Unsure About Past Fling
August 14, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi there, I am 20 and have currently been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half- we met in college. He treats me very well and of course I love him, but as time has been going on I feel like I'm losing interest. I do not know if this is because it isn't as "new" anymore or what. I cannot imagine my life without him though because he really does understand me and is a great guy. He always knows what to do to cheer me up. I recently haven't been entirely interested in having sex with him either- it's like I can't be bothered and I know this must upset him. I also have recently run into an old friend who I have always had an extreme physical attraction to. In high school I dated his best friend but once we broke up, the old friend and I had a short fling, however the friend has repeatedly expressed interest in me throughout our high school years but it just seemed like the timing never worked out. I saw him this past weekend and we spent all night talking together. He has had a girlfriend for a few years now and he knows I have a boyfriend, but he kept saying how he wanted to "leave" with me and texted that I should come over to his house soon. What do I do? I think I love my boyfriend but I am extremely attracted to my old friend and it seems like we always somehow end up running into each other and the sexual tension between us is huge.
Confused and Curious
I’m concerned why you’ve stopped wanting to be with your boyfriend sexually. When you said that you “can’t be bothered,” I couldn’t help but read buried anger in your dismissive tone.
When you love someone, you want to please him/her on all levels, including sexually.
Do some soul searching and see if I’m correct. Ask yourself what’s missing for you in this relationship. What is he doing or not doing for you in and outside the bedroom?
Your boyfriend sounds like a sweet and attentive guy. Since the best way to a woman’s undies is through her heart, I have to wonder why his love and attentiveness isn’t turning you on?
I know that there is the added complication of your high school fling entering the scene. Your question didn’t say whether your lack of interest in your boyfriend corresponds to the arrival of your ex-fling, or whether you were already feeling a lack of interest in your boyfriend before the ex came around. In the first case, did the ex-fling’s appearance make you aware of how much your sexual desire for your current boyfriend pales in comparison to him; or were you already feeling blah about your boyfriend, which made you “ripe” for your ex-fling to fill in the gap.
While I know that you are attradcted to your former fling, all that glitters isn’t always gold. The fact that you have a strong attraction isn’t that important. We’re always going to feel attracted to many people. So what! What’s more, if fling man had been so right for you, why didn’t the two of you form a relationahip way back when?
This leads me to wonder if you and the former fling are people who want what you can’t have. I’m suspicious that you both didn’t go for it with each other when you both were single.
I suspect that if you both acted on your sexual attraction now and ended your mutual relationships, you wouldn’t desire each other any more.
Could it be that this strong attraction is linked to the fact that you both are forbidden fruit to each other?
Before you drop your drawers, you need to hold your horses! You have a relationship with a man you love. I suggest that you keep “it” (meaning your urges) in your pants, take a big step back and study yourself to uncover the real reasons for your discontent with your current relationship.
Before you jump into someone else’s bed, I also encourage you use my “Reading Between the Sheets” technique to figure out why you don’t want to sleep with your current guy. I fully outline this technique in my book Till Death Do Us Part.
You also would benefit by using my book to study whether you have an Old Scar from childhood that makes you want a man you can’t have. Clue: If you had an unavailable parent, you will be more drawn to an elusive man as opposed to a man who’s right there for you, the way your current guy is!
You have a lot of questions to study and answer!
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