Tired Of Crying
May 1, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi Doctor, I truly hope you can help me, I feel as though I am at the end of my rope. Every relationship I have had has ended horribly, and they never last more than three months. I am starting to think there is something wrong with me, and I am trying to find an answer to all my grief. The last time a guy has asked me out was in grade 11 (I am a second year university student) and since then I have worked to get the guy to maybe ask ME out.... And well, this has failed many times. Am I freaking them out? I'd like to think I'm an interesting and well rounded person, and I don't think im ugly. I am on the heavier side, could that be the problem? Could you please just give some pointers, I feel off my game... I'm tired of beating myself up. :(
K.M. Needs Advice
I am really sorry to hear how depressed you are. You need more than simple dating advice to solve this problem. So let’s get started.
The first thing that stands out for me is what seems like the magic number of three, as in no relationship you’ve had lasts more than three months.
First I want you to reflect on the pattern of none of your relationships ever getting past the third month mark.
Let’s see if we can find meaning behind this pattern. What does three months mean to you?
Did something happen to you at three months of life? Did your Mom or Dad die? Go away? Get divorced?
If nothing happened to your parents or you when you were three months old, then all I can think is that you became traumatized when your first relationship ended prematurely.
The brain is a funny organ. It stores the memory of previous trauma and repeats this trauma in an effort to heal you. Freud was the first to notice the way we repeat trauma in an unconscious attempt at healing. Freud had a little boy come to his office for a solo consultation. The boy was terrified to be left alone with Freud. When the Mother left, the boy ran to the window, watching her walk down the street until she turned the corner and was out of his sight. The boy waved at her as she walked away.
In a little while, Freud noticed something fascinating. At various points during the session, the boy went to the window and repeated the action of waving to his Mother, who was now long gone, reliving again and again the traumatic event of her leaving him alone. This was what led Freud to realize that the unconscious mind makes us repeat and replay trauma in an attempt to work-through and resolve the feelings associated with the trauma.
Unfortunately, repeating the trauma often creates a re-injury rather than a resolution!
So now I’m starting to think that you became traumatized when your first relationship ended at three months. Then your mind fell into what’s called a repetition compulsion, unconsciously repeating the previous trauma, by somehow saying or doing something that brought each relationship to a close at around three months. Obviously, this didn’t heal you; it just made you feel injured, devastated, defective, and even more braced for the next break-up. So you see, your expectation of a break up actually brought on the repetition of this pattern. It’s not hard to do. I can just imagine that you started to feel worried. This made the guy feel uncomfortable and inadequate; soon he felt that he was doing something wrong. Not feeling like he was satisfying you, he just escaped the painful feelings of failure and ended it with you.
There’s more. At this point, your generalized fear of relationships puts men off. It sends out a signal that sends them running before they’re even in the running. Then, when nobody asks you out, you feel greater insecurity and doubt yourself all the more, which explains why you’re feeling inadequate and undesirable. This pattern is harming your self-esteem. These feelings then send out nonverbal signals that literally repel men away from you, because feelings of self-doubt act are like a skunk spraying the atmosphere. Nobody wants to be near you, not because there’s anything wrong with you but because you are putting out the vibe that you’re not OK.
So we need to do two things: 1) we need to break the program in your brain that tells you that relationships have to end at three months. To that end, I want you to realize that the mind makes false associations all the time. For example, if you’re walking on a golf course and lightning strikes, your mind will become afraid of golf courses. What does lightning have to do with golf courses? Nothing, but since you encountered lightning on a golf course, your mind will link the two. When your first relationship failed at three months, your mind made a false link. It’s time to tell your brain a different story to break the link. Tell yourself that the first relationship ended at three months because many relationships don’t last, especially when you’re young and testing the relationship waters. Tell yourself that your mind created a belief that relationships don’t last past three months and you fulfilled the belief by repeating the pattern. Finally, tell yourself, the spell is now broken!
The second thing we need to do is to rehab your self-esteem and raise what I call your Personal Net Worth. Go the gym and get fit. Your size doesn’t matter, so long as you feel fit and strong. Women think that men only like skinny women. Not true! All the surveys show that most men don’t care about a woman’s body size and are more attracted to a woman’s personality, energy, confidence, etc.
One way to raise your self-esteem and overcome your pessimismPessimism, from the Latin pessimus (worst), is a state of mind, which negatively colors the perception of life. Value judgments may vary dramatically between individuals, even when judgments of fact...(Click for full definition.) is to give yourself a makeover and a new wardrobe.
Then, each morning I want you to look at yourself in the mirror. Praise your appearance. Say loving, self-esteem boosting, supportive statements to yourself regarding your inner and outer beauty and desirability. Don’t just say the words. Mean what you say. Feel it in your heart.
When you break the trauma tape in your head and feel better about yourself, you will amazed to see how you are going to magnetize men to the point that you will have to beat them off with a stick! I mean it.
Remember when the men start coming your way that it’s their job to fight for you and to win your hand. Your job is to choose from among many suitors. Make sure that you don’t jump until the guy proves to you that he’s relationship material and someone that YOU will want to spend more than a few months with!
Promise to keep me posted!
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show