Stuck to the Past
August 6, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Jamie, I was in a relationship two years ago, I truly loved the girl -i don't know she loved me back or not but it was obvious for anyone she wanted me- we had so many differences and she had many concerns and I had as well but I ignored them. at the end it didnt work out. I tried to get back many times but everytime it ended up worse than the one before (I was extremely needy and dependant which is something she doesnt appreciate) we lost contact for a year and a half now. both of us had new relations but they didnt work. To be direct to the point am stuck in the past, I can't stop thinking about her especially there are many things that happen which make me do think about her i.e. few months ago her best friend joined me at work and became my partner. when joining a new college her cousin happened to be my colleague, and both girls unfortunately became my friends. I still love her and I appreciate getting her back but I dont want to ruin it again and dont know what to do. she did nothing to get the contact back and even recently blocked me on fb (she was not on my friend list and i did not add her which isso weird if I could say). P.S I sort of moved on, I got a job, I joined a new educational degree and had other relations but the incidences that often happen makes me rethink that it could work out between us. NB she is a little bit a playerette. Appreciate your advice,
I know you said that you want your ex back. Need I remind you that she blocked you on Facebook--even though she wasn’t even on your friends list--and that's she's also a playerette. Yet, you still want her back.
Isn’t it amazing that since the beginning of time humans have wanted what they can’t have; the forbidden fruit is always sweeter; the grass is greener on the other side of the fence; we’re always trying to get water to flow from an empty well. You get the metaphors.
On the surface, it could be said that men are wired to hunt and chase women. And the victory is all the sweeter when we win the most elusive prey.
There’s an even deeper psychological reason why you’re still pining for her. You gave me the clue when you said that you keep rethinking that you could be right for each other. Your unconscious mind is playing a trick on you because you are locked in a repetition compulsion. Stay with me.
Left to our own devices, we all recreate the past in the hopes of healing our Old Scars of childhood.
To do this we unconsciously pick a partner who emotionally resembles the parent we had trouble with.
Soon we are reliving the pain of the past. But our minds believe that this time it’s going to work out better. This time we are going to achieve what I call our Happy Ending, which is the resolution of whatever didn’t go right when we were kids. So we try really hard to be good, kind, loving and patient, hoping to induce our partners to give us all the emotional goodies we never got as a kid. Then our Old Scar will finally be healed.
The plan never works out, of course, because the partners we choose don’t have it to give. Remember they are carbon copies of our parents, so they can’t give us any more or any better than our parents do.
But we don’t want to give up—that would feel like abandoning the hope of healing our Old Scar. So we stay with the person, resist breaking upBreaking up refers to the dissolution of a romantic love relationship. Many people have a tendency to break up in order to preempt or discharge unwanted or painful feelings. For example, if you are...(Click for full definition.), pine after a break up, beg to get that wrong partner back. In your case, you come off as needy and dependent, and you are. You are desperate for a healing of your Old Scars. This explains your telling words to me in which you say that you are always rethinking the break up. For you, hope springs eternal. Because you are hoping to have a chance to heal your Old Scars with her.
Don’t give up that hope. Just stop hoping that you’re going to get your Happy Ending with her.
Read my book, Till Death Do Us Part and identify the exact wound you suffered as a kid. Then heal that wound for yourself.
You’ll know that you are healed when you no longer want her back. Then and only then will you be ready to move on to greener pastures and find a girl who can truly love you. You are a great guy, patient and loyal and you deserve to be loved back.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show