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Stay or Away?
June 3, 2011 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I met a guy 4 years ago on web and we've been chatting with each other. He lives in aus and I live in hong kong. We just finally met in person in this january as he came to visit hk. we spent 4 days together and it was like heaven. we did have a lot of fun. he plans to visit me in hk soon,also i will go to visit him in aus in oct.
but recently he told me that we cant be boyfriend and girlfriend now as we are in different places plus he has 2 more years until he finishes in aus (btw, hes 28 and im 23),also he did have long distance relationship before and he thinks that sucks. he told me it could be a few years in the future before we can be really a couple just not at this moment,says he doesnt want to mess me around as he does like me alot,too much respect for me,and doesn't want me to wait for
him...but he will still come to see me in hk and he would love me to come to aus to see him in oct...he said he didnt expect that we could be so wonderful togther and didnt expect that we like each other that much...plus he said seeing each other a week every 3-6 months is not a relationship.
im so annoyed.i dont rly know what should i do..should i just keep going on like this or just move on? like let us prepare well and when the situation able to make us be a couple (when he graduate, he could move here etc,besides he did
think abt moving here),do u hv any suggestions for me? thanks a lot
Signed: should i give up or stay
Should I Just Move On?
I sense that beneath your feeling of annoyance is hurt that he isn't willing to pursue your relationship long distance until he graduates.
If we step away from the specific details of your conflict, I observe that your impasse reflects a common dynamic that most male/female couples experience. I'm referring to the pattern in which a man comes in close and then retreats. Men naturally resist being "caught" and they will cite various reasons for why they need space. Your guy is using the long distance as his excuse for pulling back. The specific reason isn't as important as the true underlying dynamic--the fear of being caught or trapped.
Here's where the rubber meets the road for most couples. If a woman handles the man's need for space correctly, he will come back to her feeling more connected than ever (presuming he isn't emotionally damaged and incapable of commitment).
Unfortunately, most women don't properly handle a guy's need for space. Usually a woman panics, fearing that the guy is leaving her. In response to her panic, she gets clingy and demanding, which only drives him farther away.
The only way to avoid this deadly downward spiral is for the woman to be cool and give her man his space, without freaking out or retaliating against him. But, here's the key. She can't pretend to be cool. She has to be cool. She has to know that if her worst fear comes true and he leaves, she'll be fine. She has herself, she's desirable, she can and will love again. Paradoxically feeling this confidence and conveying that she's cool with his taking space is magnetizing for a man.
In addition to conveying that she's cool with his need for space, she also needs to let the guy know that she'll be there for him when he comes back, ready to receive him with open and loving arms. When a woman does this, a man falls hard and all the pieces of the relationship fall into place. A man will soon move to commit to her because he sees her as someone who won't smother him to death. In other words, he can commit to her and still have his freedom.
So, if you want this man, then your approach needs to be to join his need for space and freedom.
It's clear that this guy cares a great deal about you. He can see the possibility of a relationship in the future, after he graduates, and he's even talking about moving.
I also sense that he doesn't want to disrespect you by sleeping with other women so long as you're a couple. Given the distance, sexual monogamy with you would be too frustrating; so, I think, this is why he doesn't want to be exclusive with you now.
If you really like this man and feel that you have a potential future, then there's no need to kill him in your heart. Rather, live your life, date other men and allow destiny to unfold. I mean live your life. Don't you pine away waiting for him. Live fully, see him from time to time as friends who share a great deal of fun, and all the while hold on the back burner of your heart the potential of a relationship down the road.
By all means don't try to twist his arm or change his mind regarding the merits of dating long distance. That will only drive him away for good. If you don't pressure him, and are fun loving when you do meet, I bet you that he's going to find it hard to keep his resolve to not resume a long distance relationship. With each subsequent visit, he'll miss you more and more and he'll want more time with you. Let him then beg you for the long distance relationship!
If you are comfortable with my plan, then "join" his idea to take a break. Agree with him that long distance relationships are hard. Agree that it makes sense to wait to see what the future holds. Tell him that you appreciate his respect for you and his not wanting to mess you around by tying you to him when he can't be with you.
Your living your life, including dating other men (you won't even need to tell him that you're doing so, he'll just sense it), will make you very appealing to him. Men are drawn to independent women. He will just sense that other men want you, which will eat at him and make him want you more. I bet he'll have trouble waiting the two years.
But let's just say that he can't take the frustration of the distance and he sticks to his resolve. The two years will pass quickly and you will see soon enough what's in store for you and him. If you live fully during this time, you will keep your options with him open and you will have lost nothing.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
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Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
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So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
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author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
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-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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