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One Sided Love
January 1, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
i'm sorry i can't speak english well but i will try to explain my pain.( Note here: Dr. Turndorf has edited the following letter where needed so that the question is clear to her readers.)
i met my girl two years ago in the time we’ve known each other she had a broken heart and i'm the one who helped her to survive. If she needed anyone I was there for her during this time. After she got passed her bad time i think that she liked me and i started to love her but i waited the right time to tell her. but the man who left her called her and asked her to back again and she accepted and i decided not to tell her about my feelings after a few months he left her again and she became single we started to be close again but i was afraid because i felt that she doesn’t love me. then she started seeing another guy and she loved him and after having sex with him he left her after a few days and she became single again my love for her is growing every day and now i feel that i love her so much i can't see another girl i think about her every day every min every sec and i cry every day cuz she hurts me every day by words by any thing since i know her i give her so much gifts without any reasons and she never gives me any gift even on my birthday i give her any money she wants and help her to do any thing to buy any thing she needs i do every thing from my heart she said that she likes me and i believe her but the problem is that i love her and she doesn't love me and sometimes i need to call her but she refused to answer and some times she said to me i don’t want to talk with u now and sure i miss her and she doesn't
i can't live with out her, i need her, i don't have friends , she is everything for me my love and my friend
she doesn't like to talk with me as in the past and my heart is bleeding
i'm crying as I write this message
may be she knows that i love her but if she cared she would give me chance to tell her but she doesn’t care she doesn't love me
and some times when i try to call her and she refused to answer me she warn me if i didn't stop she will refuse to let me see her again
im feeling hurt when i remember that she has sex with them ( ex boys friends ) all the time i'm with her
i can't forget her and i can't live with out her , i love her so so so so so much
i need help because all my life is damaged i don’t want to do any thing i can't enjoy any day she isn't in it
I’m heartbroken to read your letter. Utterly heartbroken.
You have made it quite clear that this girl does not return your love. Even though you haven’t actually told her that you love her, your actions speak loudly. She would have to blind not to see that you love her.
What upsets me most is that she accepts your money, your gifts, your time, and your emotional support. She is very careless with your feelings to the point that she misuses you. Never mind that she doesn’t love you, she doesn’t even behave like a good friend. She takes birthday gifts from you, but doesn’t think to give you a gift for your birthday. She even threatens to dump you if you don’t back off.
The reason she isn’t interested in you is because you treat her well. She is clearly too emotionally disturbed to be with a man who loves her properly. This girl is only interested in men who dump on her.
Have you noticed that you both have the identical problem? You both fall in love with people who mistreat you. You both aren’t interested in people who can love you well.
I’m sure if you neglected her and treated her badly, she’d be madly in love with you, too. But you would be playing a game; you wouldn’t be coming from your true self.
At the very least, you need to begin respecting yourself, not as a game but simply because you deserve better treatment. You will only be treated as well as you treat yourself. Here’s a rule of thumb. You aren’t supposed to keep giving to someone who doesn’t reciprocate. If you continue to reward someone who neglects and mistreats you, you are telling that person, “Keep mistreating me, I’ll still be nice to you.” This sets you up for more abuse and it makes the other person lose respect for you.
I want you to start backing off, stop being so available and giving. In doing so, she will probably find you more appealing. But don’t be fooled. She will not be able to give you all that you desire and deserve because her own wounds are forcing her to chase after men who don’t love her. Her problem is the same as yours.
What is your problem? You are chasing a rainbow, trying to get blood from a stone. The reason for this is early trauma: you are repeating the emotional neglect/abandonment you suffered growing up.
Read my answer to another of this week’s questions: “I’m Confused and I Don’t Know What to Do.” My solution for this woman applies to you as well.
As painful as it is, you need to grieve and let go of this woman. Each time she rejects you, you are literally re-injuring yourself, driving the wounds of your childhood deeper into your soul.
I want you to begin therapy right away. I also want you to find a community of friends. Join groups and clubs. Even if you don’t feel like it; do it. You need to be surrounded by warm and loving people like yourself, people who will help you to heal, not relive, the terrible wound you suffered as a child.
You wouldn’t allow a child of yours to be treated the way this woman treats you. Be a good father to yourself and protect yourself from further harm!
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show