One Sided Love
January 1, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
i'm sorry i can't speak english well but i will try to explain my pain.( Note here: Dr. Turndorf has edited the following letter where needed so that the question is clear to her readers.)
i met my girl two years ago in the time we’ve known each other she had a broken heart and i'm the one who helped her to survive. If she needed anyone I was there for her during this time. After she got passed her bad time i think that she liked me and i started to love her but i waited the right time to tell her. but the man who left her called her and asked her to back again and she accepted and i decided not to tell her about my feelings after a few months he left her again and she became single we started to be close again but i was afraid because i felt that she doesn’t love me. then she started seeing another guy and she loved him and after having sex with him he left her after a few days and she became single again my love for her is growing every day and now i feel that i love her so much i can't see another girl i think about her every day every min every sec and i cry every day cuz she hurts me every day by words by any thing since i know her i give her so much gifts without any reasons and she never gives me any gift even on my birthday i give her any money she wants and help her to do any thing to buy any thing she needs i do every thing from my heart she said that she likes me and i believe her but the problem is that i love her and she doesn't love me and sometimes i need to call her but she refused to answer and some times she said to me i don’t want to talk with u now and sure i miss her and she doesn't
i can't live with out her, i need her, i don't have friends , she is everything for me my love and my friend
she doesn't like to talk with me as in the past and my heart is bleeding
i'm crying as I write this message
may be she knows that i love her but if she cared she would give me chance to tell her but she doesn’t care she doesn't love me
and some times when i try to call her and she refused to answer me she warn me if i didn't stop she will refuse to let me see her again
im feeling hurt when i remember that she has sex with them ( ex boys friends ) all the time i'm with her
i can't forget her and i can't live with out her , i love her so so so so so much
i need help because all my life is damaged i don’t want to do any thing i can't enjoy any day she isn't in it
I’m heartbroken to read your letter. Utterly heartbroken.
You have made it quite clear that this girl does not return your love. Even though you haven’t actually told her that you love her, your actions speak loudly. She would have to blind not to see that you love her.
What upsets me most is that she accepts your money, your gifts, your time, and your emotional support. She is very careless with your feelings to the point that she misuses you. Never mind that she doesn’t love you, she doesn’t even behave like a good friend. She takes birthday gifts from you, but doesn’t think to give you a gift for your birthday. She even threatens to dump you if you don’t back off.
The reason she isn’t interested in you is because you treat her well. She is clearly too emotionally disturbed to be with a man who loves her properly. This girl is only interested in men who dump on her.
Have you noticed that you both have the identical problem? You both fall in love with people who mistreat you. You both aren’t interested in people who can love you well.
I’m sure if you neglected her and treated her badly, she’d be madly in love with you, too. But you would be playing a game; you wouldn’t be coming from your true self.
At the very least, you need to begin respecting yourself, not as a game but simply because you deserve better treatment. You will only be treated as well as you treat yourself. Here’s a rule of thumb. You aren’t supposed to keep giving to someone who doesn’t reciprocate. If you continue to reward someone who neglects and mistreats you, you are telling that person, “Keep mistreating me, I’ll still be nice to you.” This sets you up for more abuse and it makes the other person lose respect for you.
I want you to start backing off, stop being so available and giving. In doing so, she will probably find you more appealing. But don’t be fooled. She will not be able to give you all that you desire and deserve because her own wounds are forcing her to chase after men who don’t love her. Her problem is the same as yours.
What is your problem? You are chasing a rainbow, trying to get blood from a stone. The reason for this is early trauma: you are repeating the emotional neglect/abandonment you suffered growing up.
Read my answer to another of this week’s questions: “I’m Confused and I Don’t Know What to Do.” My solution for this woman applies to you as well.
As painful as it is, you need to grieve and let go of this woman. Each time she rejects you, you are literally re-injuring yourself, driving the wounds of your childhood deeper into your soul.
I want you to begin therapy right away. I also want you to find a community of friends. Join groups and clubs. Even if you don’t feel like it; do it. You need to be surrounded by warm and loving people like yourself, people who will help you to heal, not relive, the terrible wound you suffered as a child.
You wouldn’t allow a child of yours to be treated the way this woman treats you. Be a good father to yourself and protect yourself from further harm!
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show