No Sex Drive

*I have been with my Bf for 5 yrs he is 31 & I'm 25...When we first met it took him 8 months to have sex with me. then after that we did it maybe 5 times a month if that.. Now all these yrs later and it's 1-3 times a month... I feel like he has never really had a sex drive but now I just feel like he's not longer attraced to me . When we do have sex it's me asking for it and it's always him on top and lasts only a few min. I know alot of it has to do with the way i feel about myself but I don't understand...Am I thinking to much into this?? is it normal for a 31 yr old man to not want to have sex??? I'm just not sure how I am suppose to feel about this I know he still loves me & wants to be with me, but i think he might just be board with our regular bedroom things maybe bc I never want to be on top. I just dont know.....PLEASE HELP!!! *
Signed by: 
Lonely in My Heart

OK. This short little question is very involved. So let me break my answer down into parts.

First of all, you’re inserting your ego where it doesn’t belong, and taking his low sex-drive personally (as a sign that he’s suddenly not attracted to you) and you’re getting unnecessarily wounded as a result.  That needs to stop right now.

When you take your ego out of this equation, and you stop coming from this wounded place, you will be able to see the situation more clearly, and, therefore, respond more effectively.

Let’s look at the facts. You said that it took him 8 months to have sex with you initially, and that even in the beginning he was hardly hot to trot! You only had sex about once a week, which wasn’t much for a new relationship.

Perhaps the reason you’ve suddenly become worried about your sex life is due to the fact that the sex has become even more infrequent. But keep in mind it’s common for long-term partners to be more sexually active in the early phases of their relationship and for the frequency to die down over time. In your case, since you started at such a low point, the dying down takes you below what is a tolerable threshold for you. In other words, the slowing down is normal for all couples, but, in your case, it’s very noticeable because sex is so infrequent.

To reassure you, the fact that he can get aroused with you means that he’s attracted to you. So that’s not the issue.

So what is causing his lack of drive?

There are several things that can cause a guy to have a low sex drive. A fear of intimacyThe causes of fear of intimacy are nearly identical to the fear of commitment. See Fear of Commitment and closeness can actually cause a man to avoid sex; sex, for these men can feel like too much closeness, and avoiding sex helps them keep themselves at a safer distance. The fact that he ejaculates quickly can actually be a symptom of a fear of intimacy. Men with this problem, will make sex an "eat and run" or "in and out" operation, so that they aren’t close for very long.

Another possible cause of this problem is having been sexually abused or molested.

Low testosterone can also cause a lower sex drive in men and women! I’ve had patients who were young and had this problem. When their testosterone levels were corrected, their drive (and their you know what's) went up.

Another possible explanation is the fact that he’s embarrassed over his sexual dysfunctionWhen one's normal human sexual interest and activities are not functioning properly. It was once considered that sexual dysfunctions have their root in the psyche which then manifests itself...(Click for full definition.), specifically that he doesn’t last long. He could be ashamed over his premature ejaculation and simply be avoiding sex because he feels inadequate and ashamed.

You said that you know he loves you, so relax. We just have to get over this small hump (or, more accurately, this infrequent hump)!

By the way, I’m thinking that this issue has exposed a fault line in your own self-esteem, and we need to give it a plumping up. I have a full chapter in Make Up Don’t Break Up on how to raise what I call your Personal Net Worth. It will be good for you to do this self-work so that you don’t go over the deep end each time he doesn't hold up his end!

As for how to deal with him…when your self-esteem is stronger and you are not personalizing what’s happening, then have a talk with him.

In speaking with him, use very cool and neutral language, so as not to bruise his ego and get his back up, which will only get his you-know-what even more down!

Ask him if he’s noticed that your sex life has fallen off.

And, since you had a niggling fear that he’s not happy with the sexual position you use, you’ll want to ask about that to get it off your chest. I’m speaking about your fear that he’s not satisfied with you because you’re not assuming the female superior (or woman-on-top) position. I once jokingly called this position the National Monument position!

Then if all is going well, you could talk about whether he’s happy with the frequency.

If he says he is, you could ask him if he’d be open to discussing possible reasons why he doesn’t want more. Notice, I’m using very non-threatening, neutral wording.

Start by exploring the least threatening option, the low testosterone. A medical issue is farther from his ego. I’d ask if he ever wanted more when he was younger? If he says that his drive was stronger when he was younger, then tell him that our world is so polluted now that we are being exposed to what’s called xenoestrogens, which are chemicals in the air, food and water that mimic estrogens. The result is that young men are experiencing hormonal disturbances and lowered sex drive.

Ask him if he’d be open to looking into his testosterone levels.

If his levels aren’t normal, we’ve solved the issue. Adding some bio-identical hormone cream and a detoxification diet to your lifestyle will further help this problem.

If the testosterone proves to be a dead-end, then you can begin to explore the other possible causes of this sexual dead end.

Add comment

This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.

Free Gift With Purchase

View my Bigger Game Expo talk where Jean pulled a prank that was captured on film. Send proof of purchase to to view this amazing video!

LIVE on Hay House Radio network!

Love Never Dies Radio Show
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
Tuesdays at Noon EDT on Hay House Radio
CALL IN TOLL FREE! US & Canada: 1-866-254-1579
International (rates apply): CC+ (760) 918-4300

Expert Testimonials

"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."

--Suzanne Giesemann,
Author of Messages of Hope

"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."

-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives

“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”

-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward

“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.

Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.

As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").

I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”

-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist

“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”

-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe

“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”

-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch

“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”

-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”

“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”

-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)

“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “

-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today

"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."

-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy

"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."

-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today

"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."

-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit

"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."

-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."

-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School

“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”

-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming

"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"

-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012

"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."

-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe

"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."

-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host

"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."

-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show