- Dr. Love in the Media
No Sex Drive
February 25, 2014 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
*I have been with my Bf for 5 yrs he is 31 & I'm 25...When we first met it took him 8 months to have sex with me. then after that we did it maybe 5 times a month if that.. Now all these yrs later and it's 1-3 times a month... I feel like he has never really had a sex drive but now I just feel like he's not longer attraced to me . When we do have sex it's me asking for it and it's always him on top and lasts only a few min. I know alot of it has to do with the way i feel about myself but I don't understand...Am I thinking to much into this?? is it normal for a 31 yr old man to not want to have sex??? I'm just not sure how I am suppose to feel about this I know he still loves me & wants to be with me, but i think he might just be board with our regular bedroom things maybe bc I never want to be on top. I just dont know.....PLEASE HELP!!! *
Lonely in My Heart
OK. This short little question is very involved. So let me break my answer down into parts.
First of all, you’re inserting your ego where it doesn’t belong, and taking his low sex-drive personally (as a sign that he’s suddenly not attracted to you) and you’re getting unnecessarily wounded as a result. That needs to stop right now.
When you take your ego out of this equation, and you stop coming from this wounded place, you will be able to see the situation more clearly, and, therefore, respond more effectively.
Let’s look at the facts. You said that it took him 8 months to have sex with you initially, and that even in the beginning he was hardly hot to trot! You only had sex about once a week, which wasn’t much for a new relationship.
Perhaps the reason you’ve suddenly become worried about your sex life is due to the fact that the sex has become even more infrequent. But keep in mind it’s common for long-term partners to be more sexually active in the early phases of their relationship and for the frequency to die down over time. In your case, since you started at such a low point, the dying down takes you below what is a tolerable threshold for you. In other words, the slowing down is normal for all couples, but, in your case, it’s very noticeable because sex is so infrequent.
To reassure you, the fact that he can get aroused with you means that he’s attracted to you. So that’s not the issue.
So what is causing his lack of drive?
There are several things that can cause a guy to have a low sex drive. A fear of intimacyThe causes of fear of intimacy are nearly identical to the fear of commitment. See Fear of Commitment and closeness can actually cause a man to avoid sex; sex, for these men can feel like too much closeness, and avoiding sex helps them keep themselves at a safer distance. The fact that he ejaculates quickly can actually be a symptom of a fear of intimacy. Men with this problem, will make sex an "eat and run" or "in and out" operation, so that they aren’t close for very long.
Another possible cause of this problem is having been sexually abused or molested.
Low testosterone can also cause a lower sex drive in men and women! I’ve had patients who were young and had this problem. When their testosterone levels were corrected, their drive (and their you know what's) went up.
Another possible explanation is the fact that he’s embarrassed over his sexual dysfunctionWhen one's normal human sexual interest and activities are not functioning properly. It was once considered that sexual dysfunctions have their root in the psyche which then manifests itself...(Click for full definition.), specifically that he doesn’t last long. He could be ashamed over his premature ejaculation and simply be avoiding sex because he feels inadequate and ashamed.
You said that you know he loves you, so relax. We just have to get over this small hump (or, more accurately, this infrequent hump)!
By the way, I’m thinking that this issue has exposed a fault line in your own self-esteem, and we need to give it a plumping up. I have a full chapter in Make Up Don’t Break Up on how to raise what I call your Personal Net Worth. It will be good for you to do this self-work so that you don’t go over the deep end each time he doesn't hold up his end!
As for how to deal with him…when your self-esteem is stronger and you are not personalizing what’s happening, then have a talk with him.
In speaking with him, use very cool and neutral language, so as not to bruise his ego and get his back up, which will only get his you-know-what even more down!
Ask him if he’s noticed that your sex life has fallen off.
And, since you had a niggling fear that he’s not happy with the sexual position you use, you’ll want to ask about that to get it off your chest. I’m speaking about your fear that he’s not satisfied with you because you’re not assuming the female superior (or woman-on-top) position. I once jokingly called this position the National Monument position!
Then if all is going well, you could talk about whether he’s happy with the frequency.
If he says he is, you could ask him if he’d be open to discussing possible reasons why he doesn’t want more. Notice, I’m using very non-threatening, neutral wording.
Start by exploring the least threatening option, the low testosterone. A medical issue is farther from his ego. I’d ask if he ever wanted more when he was younger? If he says that his drive was stronger when he was younger, then tell him that our world is so polluted now that we are being exposed to what’s called xenoestrogens, which are chemicals in the air, food and water that mimic estrogens. The result is that young men are experiencing hormonal disturbances and lowered sex drive.
Ask him if he’d be open to looking into his testosterone levels.
If his levels aren’t normal, we’ve solved the issue. Adding some bio-identical hormone cream and a detoxification diet to your lifestyle will further help this problem.
If the testosterone proves to be a dead-end, then you can begin to explore the other possible causes of this sexual dead end.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show