My Partner's Behaviour
June 25, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi Dr. Love,
I've been reading your advices and really makes sense so I decided to ask you about my situation with my boyfriend of a year. We are on our 40's and am older by 4 years to my boyfriend.
We are living together for more than six months now and I noticed something weird. There are times that when we are sleeping which I used to lay my arms around him he would just take it off and say words such as :get off me you bitch am over this" and others that of course wakes me up. He would explain that he is not aware of it as he was sleeping. I am thinking if it is from his past relationships which he actually had a few but if that's the case, does it means that it still troubles him? that he's not over it. I told him it really affects me but i try to understand him but it seems he is avoiding such problem and just ignoring it. What can i do about it?
And most of the times when we are upset in some situations he would always ask me if i want him to leave which makes me think he really doesn't love me that much or that he is expecting I would ask him to leave so he would make the move to ask and say he is used to it. I feel challenged with it and shows him that loving a person is not only when you feel good but it is when you feel bad you work it out together and let love overpower negative emotions. . I feel like he is the type of guy that can't handle much responsibility and pressure and would just easily give up on a relationship. I feel that the relationship only depends on me, that am just the one to think that our love is worth it and i need to explain it to him and ask him how he really feels and he would say he loves me with all his heart. He would always say just love him and go with the flow. There are times I want to break up with him as am scared he might just do it to me but I can't as I really love him. Its the security from the relationship that is missing.
One reason I think why we are on a relationship despite many differences is our feeling of need of each other as I am a thinker, more serious and plans ahead in life while he hates worrying and thinking. He made me feel a bit relaxed and seeing his perspective of life while he is partly willing to listen to my ways as well but I am as well careful as he says he doesn't like to be told what to do. I don't want him to feel that his life is changing just because He is with me but there are times I am thinking will it really work out?
I am sure you can advise me if there is hope with us having different personalities or should I stop hoping.
You certainly do have doubts and fears. You would actually benefit from using my Critical Questions to Ask Before You Get Close. Even though you have been together for six years, in many ways your relationship feels new and un-established. You still seem to be walking on eggshells around him, fearful of saying and doing the wrong thing and pushing him away. It seems as though you are always waiting for a landmine to go off and for him to “hit the bricks” and leave you.
I understand that you both are different and that you have loosened up by adopting some of his “go with the flow” ways. It seems that you have brought some order and structure to his life.
Beyond that, I hear that you don’t feel secure. The fact that he keeps asking you if you want him to leave is actually his way of projecting (which means putting onto you) his own wish to leave.
The real issue isn’t that your personalities are different. You seem to complement each other’s personalities and that seems to work.
What isn’t working is how you handle your angry feelings. He has a mountain of buried anger toward women that comes out in his sleep. Does he actually want you to get off of him? Is he talking to his exes? Does he feel controlled by you? I heard you say that he doesn’t like feeling told what to do (nobody does!).
There’s a lot of missing information here. I want you to study why you have chosen a relationship that is so insecure. You are literally walking on eggshells, fearing that it’s going to end at any moment. I have several free guides for you to use. They’re all free when you sign up for my free newsletter. First, you use Your Personality Profile, which will help you identify you own baggage.
Then we want to look at his baggage using Is He/She Ready for a Relationship? This guide will help us find out if he’s carrying a lot of anger from his childhood and past relationships.
I’m thinking you need to have a series of heartfelt talks in which you ask questions and draw him out using my Critical Questions to Ask Before You Get Close.
Last but not least, use my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), which will guide you both to help each other to heal the Old Scars from childhood that you both bring to this relationship.
As you talk to each other in the way that I show you how to do in the book, you will be helping him to resolve all the anger that’s getting in the way of your connection.
As you talk to him in the way that I guide you to do in the book, you are going to help him talk to you about any anger that he harbors toward you for controllingExamples of controlling behavior include within an intimate relationship include: one partner isolating the other from his/her friends or family; not letting ythe partner go out of the house, to the...(Click for full definition.) him. As you listen and understand him, he will feel as though his parents and exes have listened to him too. This will heal him on a deep level. As he heals, his anger will subside.
And guess what. His healing will bring about your own! Because as his anger diminishes, he will become a more stable partner, so you won’t always be living in insecurity and fear, which, I suspect, has been with you since childhood.
So just do the work I outline and you will be amazed at how it all works out for you!
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show