- Work with Dr. Turndorf
My Partner's Behaviour
June 25, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi Dr. Love,
I've been reading your advices and really makes sense so I decided to ask you about my situation with my boyfriend of a year. We are on our 40's and am older by 4 years to my boyfriend.
We are living together for more than six months now and I noticed something weird. There are times that when we are sleeping which I used to lay my arms around him he would just take it off and say words such as :get off me you bitch am over this" and others that of course wakes me up. He would explain that he is not aware of it as he was sleeping. I am thinking if it is from his past relationships which he actually had a few but if that's the case, does it means that it still troubles him? that he's not over it. I told him it really affects me but i try to understand him but it seems he is avoiding such problem and just ignoring it. What can i do about it?
And most of the times when we are upset in some situations he would always ask me if i want him to leave which makes me think he really doesn't love me that much or that he is expecting I would ask him to leave so he would make the move to ask and say he is used to it. I feel challenged with it and shows him that loving a person is not only when you feel good but it is when you feel bad you work it out together and let love overpower negative emotions. . I feel like he is the type of guy that can't handle much responsibility and pressure and would just easily give up on a relationship. I feel that the relationship only depends on me, that am just the one to think that our love is worth it and i need to explain it to him and ask him how he really feels and he would say he loves me with all his heart. He would always say just love him and go with the flow. There are times I want to break up with him as am scared he might just do it to me but I can't as I really love him. Its the security from the relationship that is missing.
One reason I think why we are on a relationship despite many differences is our feeling of need of each other as I am a thinker, more serious and plans ahead in life while he hates worrying and thinking. He made me feel a bit relaxed and seeing his perspective of life while he is partly willing to listen to my ways as well but I am as well careful as he says he doesn't like to be told what to do. I don't want him to feel that his life is changing just because He is with me but there are times I am thinking will it really work out?
I am sure you can advise me if there is hope with us having different personalities or should I stop hoping.
You certainly do have doubts and fears. You would actually benefit from using my Critical Questions to Ask Before You Get Close. Even though you have been together for six years, in many ways your relationship feels new and un-established. You still seem to be walking on eggshells around him, fearful of saying and doing the wrong thing and pushing him away. It seems as though you are always waiting for a landmine to go off and for him to “hit the bricks” and leave you.
I understand that you both are different and that you have loosened up by adopting some of his “go with the flow” ways. It seems that you have brought some order and structure to his life.
Beyond that, I hear that you don’t feel secure. The fact that he keeps asking you if you want him to leave is actually his way of projecting (which means putting onto you) his own wish to leave.
The real issue isn’t that your personalities are different. You seem to complement each other’s personalities and that seems to work.
What isn’t working is how you handle your angry feelings. He has a mountain of buried anger toward women that comes out in his sleep. Does he actually want you to get off of him? Is he talking to his exes? Does he feel controlled by you? I heard you say that he doesn’t like feeling told what to do (nobody does!).
There’s a lot of missing information here. I want you to study why you have chosen a relationship that is so insecure. You are literally walking on eggshells, fearing that it’s going to end at any moment. I have several free guides for you to use. They’re all free when you sign up for my free newsletter. First, you use Your Personality Profile, which will help you identify you own baggage.
Then we want to look at his baggage using Is He/She Ready for a Relationship? This guide will help us find out if he’s carrying a lot of anger from his childhood and past relationships.
I’m thinking you need to have a series of heartfelt talks in which you ask questions and draw him out using my Critical Questions to Ask Before You Get Close.
Last but not least, use my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), which will guide you both to help each other to heal the Old Scars from childhood that you both bring to this relationship.
As you talk to each other in the way that I show you how to do in the book, you will be helping him to resolve all the anger that’s getting in the way of your connection.
As you talk to him in the way that I guide you to do in the book, you are going to help him talk to you about any anger that he harbors toward you for controllingExamples of controlling behavior include within an intimate relationship include: one partner isolating the other from his/her friends or family; not letting ythe partner go out of the house, to the...(Click for full definition.) him. As you listen and understand him, he will feel as though his parents and exes have listened to him too. This will heal him on a deep level. As he heals, his anger will subside.
And guess what. His healing will bring about your own! Because as his anger diminishes, he will become a more stable partner, so you won’t always be living in insecurity and fear, which, I suspect, has been with you since childhood.
So just do the work I outline and you will be amazed at how it all works out for you!
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show