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Loving an Ex who is in a New Relationship
August 14, 2011 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dr. Love. Here's my story.
Me and my ex of 3 and a half years broke up back in December out of stupidity, ego (on both parts). At first, she begged me back but I was too consumed with anger to accept her. And within weeks I fell into a rebound relationship which lasted for a couple of weeks. Well I did sleep with my rebound and foolishly admitted that to my love (cause I thought honestyMany people believe that "honesty is the best policy" in intimate relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. Practicing this philosophy by speaking your mind at all costs may cost you...(Click for full definition.) is the best thing to do which apparently is not).
We broke up back in December and during March she still asked me out and we had a great time together but a few days after our last day out she ignored me. So I started being a jerk, pleading, and doing all those stuff desperate things people do.
Then probably during that period, she got into a new relationship, and stayed strong till now. I still do love her and I think it's unconditional because I want her to be happy and although I wish that I could be the one to make her happy, I do not mind as long as she is happy with another person.
My question is, what if I just cant love another woman, which apparently has been hard for me, although it's been almost half a year, i still do not feel my love for her fading. And is there any possibility of me winning her back?. Well now she has been contacting me sporadically, and she asked for me to keep it secret, and yes I love her and I wanna make her my bride.
You may have noticed that the logo for my trademark is an angel sewing a broken heart. I see that the angel of love is clearly knocking on both your doors. She's contacting you again; so, it would seem, she doesn't feel ready to let you go either.
I can help you do and say the right things to win her back, BUT if you don't fix what was wrong in the relationship, you will end up back where you started again. Keep in mind relationships are like rubber bands. They can only be stretched so far until they snap, never to be put back together again.
So this time around, you need to make sure that you don't fall into the same old traps.
I heard you say that you both felt a lot of anger and your egos got in the way--meaning you both needed to win and be right, I assume.
Strong feelings that you can't shake are a major clue that childhood wounds are afoot. Don't kid yourself. Just because a person is chronologically grown-up doesn't mean that the wounds of childhood are healed.
When we marry, all of us end up replaying these old wounds. Either we choose a partner who emotionally resembles the parent who let us down or we behave in ways that actually turn our partner into a carbon copy of our parent. We replay the old wounds to try to achieve a happy ending this time around--meaning a healing/resolution of the early wound.
The problem for most couples is the fact that replaying and reliving the old wounds causes intensely strong, young feelings to come up. The technical name for this is regression. Marriage causes all of us to regress back to these childhood feelings.
In fact, most marriages fail because both partners find it difficult to manage these strong/baby feelings that are caused by this regression. It's around the two-year mark that most couples are in full-blown regression; now you have two kids filled with anger, throwing temper tantrums, etc. You get the picture. You were there.
The question is how can you break free? How can you stop the regression back to childhood?
There's only one way. To heal the childhood wounds so they stop being played out again and again in your marriage.
The first thing you need to do is to read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). It's available as an ebook here at the site. Soft cover and Kindle editions are available at Amazon. This book will show you both can help each other to identify and heal these early wounds. When you do, all the heat, the ego, the fighting will magically stop. Yes, it's true. I have thousands and thousands of couples who've followed my method and can attest to this.
I know your wife feels love for you, as you do for her, but she is scared to come back to you because she's scared to relive the hell.
You need to explain to her what I said about old wounds causing intense feelings and how healing them will bring you harmony.
You also need to read my latest book Make Up Don't Break Up (also available here on the site and at Amazon). This book will guide you on how to properly handle the reconciliation process, what to say to encourage her but not rush her, guiding you step-by-step on how build a bridge back to each other.
Please keep me posted on your progress.
PS: As you discovered the hard way, the old saying "honestyMany people believe that "honesty is the best policy" in intimate relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. Practicing this philosophy by speaking your mind at all costs may cost you...(Click for full definition.) is the best policy" is far from true. When it comes to relationships, I always tells couples only say what you know will be helpful and beneficial to the relationship.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show