- Dr. Love in the Media
Loving an Ex who is in a New Relationship
August 14, 2011 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dr. Love. Here's my story.
Me and my ex of 3 and a half years broke up back in December out of stupidity, ego (on both parts). At first, she begged me back but I was too consumed with anger to accept her. And within weeks I fell into a rebound relationship which lasted for a couple of weeks. Well I did sleep with my rebound and foolishly admitted that to my love (cause I thought honestyMany people believe that "honesty is the best policy" in intimate relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. Practicing this philosophy by speaking your mind at all costs may cost you...(Click for full definition.) is the best thing to do which apparently is not).
We broke up back in December and during March she still asked me out and we had a great time together but a few days after our last day out she ignored me. So I started being a jerk, pleading, and doing all those stuff desperate things people do.
Then probably during that period, she got into a new relationship, and stayed strong till now. I still do love her and I think it's unconditional because I want her to be happy and although I wish that I could be the one to make her happy, I do not mind as long as she is happy with another person.
My question is, what if I just cant love another woman, which apparently has been hard for me, although it's been almost half a year, i still do not feel my love for her fading. And is there any possibility of me winning her back?. Well now she has been contacting me sporadically, and she asked for me to keep it secret, and yes I love her and I wanna make her my bride.
You may have noticed that the logo for my trademark is an angel sewing a broken heart. I see that the angel of love is clearly knocking on both your doors. She's contacting you again; so, it would seem, she doesn't feel ready to let you go either.
I can help you do and say the right things to win her back, BUT if you don't fix what was wrong in the relationship, you will end up back where you started again. Keep in mind relationships are like rubber bands. They can only be stretched so far until they snap, never to be put back together again.
So this time around, you need to make sure that you don't fall into the same old traps.
I heard you say that you both felt a lot of anger and your egos got in the way--meaning you both needed to win and be right, I assume.
Strong feelings that you can't shake are a major clue that childhood wounds are afoot. Don't kid yourself. Just because a person is chronologically grown-up doesn't mean that the wounds of childhood are healed.
When we marry, all of us end up replaying these old wounds. Either we choose a partner who emotionally resembles the parent who let us down or we behave in ways that actually turn our partner into a carbon copy of our parent. We replay the old wounds to try to achieve a happy ending this time around--meaning a healing/resolution of the early wound.
The problem for most couples is the fact that replaying and reliving the old wounds causes intensely strong, young feelings to come up. The technical name for this is regression. Marriage causes all of us to regress back to these childhood feelings.
In fact, most marriages fail because both partners find it difficult to manage these strong/baby feelings that are caused by this regression. It's around the two-year mark that most couples are in full-blown regression; now you have two kids filled with anger, throwing temper tantrums, etc. You get the picture. You were there.
The question is how can you break free? How can you stop the regression back to childhood?
There's only one way. To heal the childhood wounds so they stop being played out again and again in your marriage.
The first thing you need to do is to read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). It's available as an ebook here at the site. Soft cover and Kindle editions are available at Amazon. This book will show you both can help each other to identify and heal these early wounds. When you do, all the heat, the ego, the fighting will magically stop. Yes, it's true. I have thousands and thousands of couples who've followed my method and can attest to this.
I know your wife feels love for you, as you do for her, but she is scared to come back to you because she's scared to relive the hell.
You need to explain to her what I said about old wounds causing intense feelings and how healing them will bring you harmony.
You also need to read my latest book Make Up Don't Break Up (also available here on the site and at Amazon). This book will guide you on how to properly handle the reconciliation process, what to say to encourage her but not rush her, guiding you step-by-step on how build a bridge back to each other.
Please keep me posted on your progress.
PS: As you discovered the hard way, the old saying "honestyMany people believe that "honesty is the best policy" in intimate relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. Practicing this philosophy by speaking your mind at all costs may cost you...(Click for full definition.) is the best policy" is far from true. When it comes to relationships, I always tells couples only say what you know will be helpful and beneficial to the relationship.
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