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Is Love Really All About Timing?
June 10, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I am female and 21. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia and my father is an addicted gambler which has brought a lot of grief and problems to the family. I am the eldest of my siblings, so it is only natural for me to take the leading role of the family as both my parents were unable to. Recently I parted with my 3.5 year long term relationship, 'Charley'. I never wanted to stay in the relationship and wanted out after the first few months but he was controllingExamples of controlling behavior include within an intimate relationship include: one partner isolating the other from his/her friends or family; not letting ythe partner go out of the house, to the...(Click for full definition.), manipulative, and most destructively, abusive.
I know I am an intelligent, strong, and caring individual. But having breaking free from what seemed to be a neverending nightmare, it's struck me that my life has changed significantly while being with him and there are more things to fix and pick myself back up from than I first thought. I can't help but feel useless and lost without him. As I watched friends go to university and graduate, I watched myself succumb to his demands and needs. HE was becoming my priority, not my mother or family as it was before. As 'the break up' is starting to feel more and more in the past, I'm beginning to see clearer what my future could be like which brings me a lot of hope and confidence.
The problem isn't the abusive ex leaving a scar. I'm begining to believe that I may be a dependant person, contrary to what I've always thought to be. Due to the nature of my family and my responsbilities while growing up, I think being cared for is what I yearn for. I feel that I want to be in another relationship. Be it destructive or not, I want to be in one. My logic tells me to concentrate on myself and get back into education or work - or to at least heal the wounds of what he has done before jumping into another relationship.
I'm not sure if this person, 'Billy', has just came into my life at the wrong time. Billy is a friend of Charley's, who was in the same uni as him. At one gathering, while I was still with Charley, I began to talk to Billy and learned that he had a mother who was suffering with Alzheimers. His mother is at the stage where she cannot speak and is being looked after in a caring home. This was where I began to speak to him as support for him, as he was clearly going through a lot of traumer and it began to take a toll in his education and life. We emailed and discussed a lot of personal things, all which made me realise we were both incredibly alike. However this whole time I hadn't of considered him as I was stil with Charley. As time went by, we kept using eachother for support. Then I broke up with Charley as things got sour when I found texts and messages from another woman, and it made me question myself whether I will keep being manipulated by him to get what he wanted. It was hard leaving, but he also realised he didn't need me, so he broke it off before I could say anything. I still care for Charley but I know it's for the best to leave such a destructive relationship.
Me and Billy carried on talking and both of us still endlessly chat about our mutual emotional anecdotes about problems in our lives. At the moment, I can feel that we should be together as I haven't met anyone else who shares the same experiences and personality as me because of what we have been through.
I can see myself with him, but I don't know if it's because I've just got out of a long term relationship, because I am dependant on always having a relationship, or because Billy really is the right guy but came at the wrong time.
Should I concentrate on myself and possibly lose the guy that could be the one? If I do try a relationship would he reject me as I am his friend's long term ex? Or I am just desperate for a partner? :( I hope it's not the last one as I know i'm better than that.
I really understand your predicament. You’re wondering if Billy could be your Mr. Right. But is it correct to concentrate on healing yourself and therefore risk losing him?
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, had one rule that he expected his patients to agree to at the outset of therapy. He made them agree to not form a relationship until they completed their analysis. The reason for this is because the person you choose before and the person you choose after therapy are not the same type of person.
This means that even though you feel Billy is your Mr. Right and that you both are very compatible, he may not be compatible with you after you heal.
Keep in mind, you are basing your compatibility on the fact that you are both so similar now and that you share the same feelings now.
After you heal, you won’t feel the same as you do now, so you won’t likely be compatible down the road. But if you are meant to be together, you will be meant to be together down the road, meaning that you can do your healing, and, if you two are so compatible, he’ll be waiting for you.
The fact is you are not ready for an intimate relationship now. The fact that you said that you feel useless and lost without your ex, a man who abused, manipulated and controlled you, tells me that you are still looking to return to a relationship that is like your dysfunctional first family relationships.
This means that you will choose another guy like Charley. And, what's more, if you're so drawn to Billy, he may well be another wolf in sheep's clothing--meaning he may be abusive too.
Also the fact that you said that you, “Want to be in another relationship. Be it destructive or not, I want to be in one,” you all but have a sign printed on you: “Abusers, choose me. I’m so hungry for a relationship and not being alone that I’ll take any mistreatment.” This means that you could actually bring out latent abusive or even sadistic tendencies that might exist in Billy because he will sense that you will tolerate any kind of mistreatment.
As you said, “I’m dependent on always having a relationship.” The part of you that says this is the little girl inside yourself who never got taken care of. So you’re always looking for a relationship partner to be your parent. But because you’re so wounded, you choose partners who keep abusing you like your actual parents did.
So you need to be single for now. You need to grieve the reality of your childhood, your parents’ failings. Above all, you need to adopt yourself and be your own mommy and daddy. You need to feel filled with love and feel in your heart that you are lovable. A good place to get this nurturing is in a supportive psychotherapy group. Group is what I call your “Second Chance Family.”
When you complete your inner child healing, you will draw a man who mirrors back to you your own deep self-love.
I encourage Billy to do the same self-healing that I propose you do.
If you’re both on the healing path at the same time, and you both are truly compatible, you will both find each other at the end of your healing journeys.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show