- Dr. Love in the Media
In Love and Rejected
June 10, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hello, i hope you can give me some good advice related to girls. The story starts 3 years ago, when i started the hightschool. I met a girl, at first we were just colleagues and day after day i started to grow some feelings for her. I was preety sure that we can be together and have a realy nice relationship, but when i decided that is time to talk to her she rejected me. I felt so bad and i told myself that i will never fall in love again. Until i met her i was the one who was keeping girls in friendzone, but he ruined my life. I am preety sure that she is the one for me. Anyway, after a few weeks i felt free, and i thought i forgot her, but a few months ago i started to feel something for her again. It's been 2 years since she rejected me and in the last weeks she is closer and closer to me, for example today she came to my place for a cofee, she auto-invited herself, she made me food, washed the dishes even if i begged her not to do it. I don't really know how to aprach her and i need some good advice from someone that knows what;s all about. I am afrain that she is not interested and she's playing with me waiting to reject me again. I don't want to be silly and to do something wrong and ruine the chance to have a close relationshit to her. So please write me and tell me what is the best thing to do in this situation. In the end i would like to apologise for my grammar mistakes. Have a nice day!Heartbroken in Spain
Heartbroken in Spain
What jumps out at me in your letter is your fear that she’s playing with you and waiting to reject you again.
There are two reasons why you would harbor this fear. The first is due to trauma: You were rejected in the past (and by her, no less!) and you are afraid to suffer that pain again.
It so happens that the human brain is wired to not forget trauma, in order to protect us from getting burned again. So we hold on to trauma, and are always vigilant for signs that old traumas will recur.
I’m not going to simply write off your fear as simply due to past trauma. You may also be afraid because you are sensing that there is current danger. Perhaps on some level you sense that she’s the kind of person who is terrified of intimacyAn intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship. It can be defined by these characteristics: enduring behavioral interdependence, repeated interactions, emotional...(Click for full definition.) and that she will reject you again when you become too close to her. Or, worse, that she’s the kind of person who gets off on seducing and then abandoning men. A woman (or gay man) who does this has a lot of pent up anger toward men. For now, this is only a theory, since we don’t know if this fits her case.
It is also very possible that she rejected you the last time you asked her out because she was very young and not ready to become involved. Three years have passed and she is a young woman now.
I will say that she certainly acts like a girl who is interested. Coming by your house uninvited is a definite sign that a person likes you.
At this point, what we need to do is find out whether your fear is nothing more than a ghost that haunts you from the past trauma or whether she is out to play you and hurt you again.
I hear that you feel that this girl is your Ms. Right. You may, indeed, be truly compatible. But until we confirm where she’s coming from, I want you to keep one eyebrow raised, meaning keep your guard up. This way, you won’t be giving her the power to take your heart hostage in the event we find out that she’s an intimacy/commitmentFear of commitment is a common source of conflict for couples. Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find...(Click for full definition.) phobic or on a seduce-and-abandon mission.
Once you’re fully armored, tell her straight out that you like her but aren’t sure how to read her signals. You could tell her that once before you thought she liked you, but when you asked her out way back when, she rejected you. Now you’re getting the sense that she likes you again, but you’re not sure if she’s going to reject you again.
So armor yourself, then be honest by telling her how you feel, and ask her to own her own part in this (what I hope will be) love story.
Let me know how this all plays out for you.
I’m so hoping that she’s simply grown up and now knows a good man when she sees one!
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