- Work with Dr. Turndorf
In Love and Rejected
June 10, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hello, i hope you can give me some good advice related to girls. The story starts 3 years ago, when i started the hightschool. I met a girl, at first we were just colleagues and day after day i started to grow some feelings for her. I was preety sure that we can be together and have a realy nice relationship, but when i decided that is time to talk to her she rejected me. I felt so bad and i told myself that i will never fall in love again. Until i met her i was the one who was keeping girls in friendzone, but he ruined my life. I am preety sure that she is the one for me. Anyway, after a few weeks i felt free, and i thought i forgot her, but a few months ago i started to feel something for her again. It's been 2 years since she rejected me and in the last weeks she is closer and closer to me, for example today she came to my place for a cofee, she auto-invited herself, she made me food, washed the dishes even if i begged her not to do it. I don't really know how to aprach her and i need some good advice from someone that knows what;s all about. I am afrain that she is not interested and she's playing with me waiting to reject me again. I don't want to be silly and to do something wrong and ruine the chance to have a close relationshit to her. So please write me and tell me what is the best thing to do in this situation. In the end i would like to apologise for my grammar mistakes. Have a nice day!Heartbroken in Spain
Heartbroken in Spain
What jumps out at me in your letter is your fear that she’s playing with you and waiting to reject you again.
There are two reasons why you would harbor this fear. The first is due to trauma: You were rejected in the past (and by her, no less!) and you are afraid to suffer that pain again.
It so happens that the human brain is wired to not forget trauma, in order to protect us from getting burned again. So we hold on to trauma, and are always vigilant for signs that old traumas will recur.
I’m not going to simply write off your fear as simply due to past trauma. You may also be afraid because you are sensing that there is current danger. Perhaps on some level you sense that she’s the kind of person who is terrified of intimacyAn intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship. It can be defined by these characteristics: enduring behavioral interdependence, repeated interactions, emotional...(Click for full definition.) and that she will reject you again when you become too close to her. Or, worse, that she’s the kind of person who gets off on seducing and then abandoning men. A woman (or gay man) who does this has a lot of pent up anger toward men. For now, this is only a theory, since we don’t know if this fits her case.
It is also very possible that she rejected you the last time you asked her out because she was very young and not ready to become involved. Three years have passed and she is a young woman now.
I will say that she certainly acts like a girl who is interested. Coming by your house uninvited is a definite sign that a person likes you.
At this point, what we need to do is find out whether your fear is nothing more than a ghost that haunts you from the past trauma or whether she is out to play you and hurt you again.
I hear that you feel that this girl is your Ms. Right. You may, indeed, be truly compatible. But until we confirm where she’s coming from, I want you to keep one eyebrow raised, meaning keep your guard up. This way, you won’t be giving her the power to take your heart hostage in the event we find out that she’s an intimacy/commitmentFear of commitment is a common source of conflict for couples. Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find...(Click for full definition.) phobic or on a seduce-and-abandon mission.
Once you’re fully armored, tell her straight out that you like her but aren’t sure how to read her signals. You could tell her that once before you thought she liked you, but when you asked her out way back when, she rejected you. Now you’re getting the sense that she likes you again, but you’re not sure if she’s going to reject you again.
So armor yourself, then be honest by telling her how you feel, and ask her to own her own part in this (what I hope will be) love story.
Let me know how this all plays out for you.
I’m so hoping that she’s simply grown up and now knows a good man when she sees one!
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show