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Is This a Lesson in Futility?
July 17, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Met a guy 1.4 yrs ago. Had the usual 4 month chemistry attachment where he chased me until I caught him. Then he blew hot and cold. Goes back to ex-gf periodically. Toxic relationship. When he's with me, he never wants to leave me. When he leaves me, he never comes back. Keeps contact mostly thru emails/FB. Hadn't seen him in 3 mos. but went on date last week where he says that he feels a great connection with me that he doesn't feel with others. That the fact that we are still sitting across the table from each other says a lot. That having the similar backgrounds that we have is very important. Then he doesn't call again but is receptive if I do, whiich is very infrequent. He is extremely insecure - too much to explain - but asks questions like - what if I find him boring later on, what if he's not really the funny guy I think he is. Do I ever worry that I wouldn't be all that to someone? (that answer is no) My question is: Are there men who need a little reassurance and the woman to be more assertive or is that considered chasing? Do I back off and just let him come to me? Does the squeaky wheel (not nagging or aggressive wheel) get the oil? He seems to care about me when he's with me and we have wonderful dates for hours and then he'll disappear for weeks. If I call, he's happy and receptive. He is used to women calling him and I'm used to being pursued. We are both in our 50's. Is it ever okay and at this age, to be more assertive or does that come off as needy? I feel that he and I are searching for something we've already found but are too afraid to show our vulnerablity. I have never felt this great level of comfort WHEN I AM WITH HIM with anyone else. We haven't slept together in months and he doesn't use me for a booty call. The fact that we've been on 6-7 dates with no sex bothers me too. I don't want the sex as he hasn't deserved it but the fact that he hasn't tried either bothers me. The more I write this, the more I think I should just move on. I do date but it's not the same with others. I thought this would get easier with age but I've since learned otherwise. Thanks
Love him or leave him?
The fact that you’re still sitting across the table from a man who treats you the way he does, tells me everything I need to know about you and the wounds you have suffered.
I’m troubled by the fact that you are mostly worried about not coming across to HIM as needy and chasing, as opposed to your being worried by the fact that you are needy and chasing.
We need to focus on YOU, not him.
This guy is toxic, as you said. Now you need to understand why you are allowing such a man to remain in your life.
It hardly matters that his distant, rejecting and unfaithful behavior is due to insecurity. The fact is he’s damaged goods and he doesn’t treat you properly. Do you want a project or a partner?
I know you believe you’ve found your Mr. Right. I know that you feel comfortable with this man. Hear me good. Your comfort isn’t a sign that he’s a good partner for you but rather a sign that you are right at home. I mean that literally.
This guy brings you to a familiar emotional place. And, the sad fact is familiar pain is comfortable in a twisted way.
What I want you to see is that you are locked in what’s called a Repetition Compulsion. I go into full detail about this in my Advice Archives.
In a nutshell, we ALL choose partners who help us to recreate the worst, most painful relationship from our childhood. We restage the original trauma in the hopes of finally winning what I call our Happy Ending this time around. If we succeed in getting our partner to give us the emotional goodies that we yearned for from our parent, then we will feel as though our Old Scar is healed. Of course, the Repetition Compulsion never works because the partners we choose are limited and damaged in the exact areas that our parents were, so they can’t give us any more or any better than our parents did.
But the need to heal is so strong that we never give up. This explains why you keep chasing this guy. You keep chasing and pursuing him, hoping that you will finally succeed in convincing him to love you and only you.
This dance you’re doing is a haunting from your past. You certainly had a parent who wasn’t there for you. And you will never break free and find a partner who is truly there for you until you identify and heal your Old Scar. When you do, you will run from this guy faster than a rabbit flees a predator.
And he is predator, a vampire. He is preying upon your Old Scar and your hunger and need to heal. I don’t pity him. I pity you.
I encourage you to read my book Till Death Do Us Part, which will show you how to heal your Old Scar and set yourself free.
When you are healed, you no longer be willing to disrespect yourself by chasing and pursuing someone who treats you so miserably.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show