- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Lack of a Sex Life
August 14, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Mine is a bit of a sordid tale. I decided to wait for the right guy and despite having boyfriends, they all got frustrated and broke up with me before anything could happen. In retrospect, this is perhaps a good thing because they weren't patient nor good guys but at the same time, it left me being 25 and a virgin. After my last breakup, I ended up losing my virginity to a guy I barely knew who of course never called me again. A month after that, I met a new guy and we courted, dated, but only had sex twice before we argued over something ridiculous and never spoke again. I dated four guys after that but nothing happened despite me trying to initiate something with two of them. I have just turned 26 so I find it completely ridiculous that I am having so much difficulty having sexual relations with someone. I don't want a relationship but I can't even seem to find someone for a one-night stand (I live in a small city).
Before I lost my virginity, it seemed so easy to find guys who wanted to sleep with me (unknowing that I had been a virgin). But now it has been seven months and at my age, I've only had sex three times. I feel embarrassed and unattractive. There's a huge part of me that wants to give up because I feel like I have been trying but at the same time, these are the days that I am young and should be exploring my sexuality. I just don't know how to go about doing it anymore. My confidence is shot. What should I do? I am also extremely against dating sites after experiences my friends have had on them.
I think you wish your tale was more sordid than it is! While, in fact, your TAIL is experiencing a very dry spell! I think we can agree that your sex life sucks (no pun intended!). But it sucks not for the reason you think!
First of all, the fact that you’ve had only three sex partners is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. In reality, many men would consider your lack of promiscuity greatly appealing! The problem lies with your self-esteem, not with your not getting laid!
First off, let me say that you are not getting off with men because you are caught in a vicious cycle. The more your confidence is shot, and the more desperate you feel, the more you repel them. This is because men are wired to pursue and win the most desirable females. Believe it or not, this is a form of natural selection that is rooted in a survival of the species, biological imperative to mate with women who they believe will produce the strongest offspring.
The bottom line is this: men are attracted to women who have a high sense of self-worth. If a woman seems hungry needy or desperate, she sends off a signal that she isn’t top drawer, and men will shelve her! This is what’s happening to you.
And the way you’re sexually pursuing men, trying to get them to have sex with you, conveys desperation and is off-putting. Think about, a man is wired to pursue. When you reverse the natural order and pursue them sexually, you also seem desperate and, thereofore, lower your worth in their eyes. The reality is you’re turning men off without knowing it.
I suggest that you forget the idea of dating until we raise what I call your Personal Net Worth. I have an entire chapter on how to do just this is my latest book Make Up Don’t Break Up. Even though that book is designed to help a man or woman get his/her ex back, the techniques for improving your Personal Net Worth are the same.
And, while we’re on the subject of your self-worth, I want to say something about your looking for men to serve as simple sex partners. I know you say you don’t want a relationship, but I have to wonder why this is. I’m thinking this is a symptom of another area of difficulty that needs resolution. I wonder if you experienced terrible trauma in your first family relationships, which makes you resist being in a relationship now.
Of course you have a sex-drive, but there are plenty of ways of handling your needs (and I do mean that literally) without putting yourself in the position of cutting your sexuality off from your inner self and soul. I’m truly concerned about the bed you’re making for yourself.
What’s more, the way you’re prowling for sex and what you say to yourself about your not scoring (I can’t even seem to find someone for a one-night stand) makes you come off as a leper. Believe me, men pick up your feeling and they run from you all the more.
Contrary to what you might think about most men, they don’t like to be thought of as a walking penis or an object to be used. In fact, most men say that they prefer sex in the context of a loving relationship.
I suggest that you read my book Till Death Do Us Part to uncover the origins of your low self-esteem. This will give you the answer as to why you feel so unlovable and why you are so willing to treat your own body and sexuality with such little reverence. When you identify and heal the real source of your low self-esteem, when you truly feel better about yourself, you will want and attract a loving relationship that includes sex. Be patient! When you heal the sex will come (and so will you)!
"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D.,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show