- Dr. Love in the Media
Lack of a Sex Life
August 14, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Mine is a bit of a sordid tale. I decided to wait for the right guy and despite having boyfriends, they all got frustrated and broke up with me before anything could happen. In retrospect, this is perhaps a good thing because they weren't patient nor good guys but at the same time, it left me being 25 and a virgin. After my last breakup, I ended up losing my virginity to a guy I barely knew who of course never called me again. A month after that, I met a new guy and we courted, dated, but only had sex twice before we argued over something ridiculous and never spoke again. I dated four guys after that but nothing happened despite me trying to initiate something with two of them. I have just turned 26 so I find it completely ridiculous that I am having so much difficulty having sexual relations with someone. I don't want a relationship but I can't even seem to find someone for a one-night stand (I live in a small city).
Before I lost my virginity, it seemed so easy to find guys who wanted to sleep with me (unknowing that I had been a virgin). But now it has been seven months and at my age, I've only had sex three times. I feel embarrassed and unattractive. There's a huge part of me that wants to give up because I feel like I have been trying but at the same time, these are the days that I am young and should be exploring my sexuality. I just don't know how to go about doing it anymore. My confidence is shot. What should I do? I am also extremely against dating sites after experiences my friends have had on them.
I think you wish your tale was more sordid than it is! While, in fact, your TAIL is experiencing a very dry spell! I think we can agree that your sex life sucks (no pun intended!). But it sucks not for the reason you think!
First of all, the fact that you’ve had only three sex partners is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. In reality, many men would consider your lack of promiscuity greatly appealing! The problem lies with your self-esteem, not with your not getting laid!
First off, let me say that you are not getting off with men because you are caught in a vicious cycle. The more your confidence is shot, and the more desperate you feel, the more you repel them. This is because men are wired to pursue and win the most desirable females. Believe it or not, this is a form of natural selection that is rooted in a survival of the species, biological imperative to mate with women who they believe will produce the strongest offspring.
The bottom line is this: men are attracted to women who have a high sense of self-worth. If a woman seems hungry needy or desperate, she sends off a signal that she isn’t top drawer, and men will shelve her! This is what’s happening to you.
And the way you’re sexually pursuing men, trying to get them to have sex with you, conveys desperation and is off-putting. Think about, a man is wired to pursue. When you reverse the natural order and pursue them sexually, you also seem desperate and, thereofore, lower your worth in their eyes. The reality is you’re turning men off without knowing it.
I suggest that you forget the idea of dating until we raise what I call your Personal Net Worth. I have an entire chapter on how to do just this is my latest book Make Up Don’t Break Up. Even though that book is designed to help a man or woman get his/her ex back, the techniques for improving your Personal Net Worth are the same.
And, while we’re on the subject of your self-worth, I want to say something about your looking for men to serve as simple sex partners. I know you say you don’t want a relationship, but I have to wonder why this is. I’m thinking this is a symptom of another area of difficulty that needs resolution. I wonder if you experienced terrible trauma in your first family relationships, which makes you resist being in a relationship now.
Of course you have a sex-drive, but there are plenty of ways of handling your needs (and I do mean that literally) without putting yourself in the position of cutting your sexuality off from your inner self and soul. I’m truly concerned about the bed you’re making for yourself.
What’s more, the way you’re prowling for sex and what you say to yourself about your not scoring (I can’t even seem to find someone for a one-night stand) makes you come off as a leper. Believe me, men pick up your feeling and they run from you all the more.
Contrary to what you might think about most men, they don’t like to be thought of as a walking penis or an object to be used. In fact, most men say that they prefer sex in the context of a loving relationship.
I suggest that you read my book Till Death Do Us Part to uncover the origins of your low self-esteem. This will give you the answer as to why you feel so unlovable and why you are so willing to treat your own body and sexuality with such little reverence. When you identify and heal the real source of your low self-esteem, when you truly feel better about yourself, you will want and attract a loving relationship that includes sex. Be patient! When you heal the sex will come (and so will you)!
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