- Dr. Love's Appearances
I'm Still In Love With My Ex, But I Really Wish I Wasn't..
April 17, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I've known my Ex for years. Our parents went to school together, and since the first day we met, we immediately connected. Also, he only lives a few houses down from me, which made it easier for both of us. I'm only 16 at the moment, and i know there are people out there that say you can't experience love and heartbreak at such a young age. But honestly, it kills me inside as i sit and think about things every night, and as i'm writing this! We are both more or less the same age, i'm exactly a week older than him. We started going out at the begining of March last year, 2011. It lasted around 5 months, not really as long as i'd hoped. He was the one who had actually ended it, still unsure why. I was on holiday at the time he'd ended it, it was only as i came back to England and went on my phone to find a message on a social networking site. It killed me inside, as i truely did love him, more than anyone before! Took me quite a while to finally realise it had ended, and after a few months, i'd thought i'd gotten over everything! Virtually after the break up, we stopped talking to eachother, which i felt was hard, since we'd been such good friends before, talking to eachother every day, to not talking to eachother at all! As we lived so close to eachother, it made it very difficult since we often saw see eachother, but just never said anything.
Only few weeks later, i had heard from other people that he was now seeing another girl, of whom i actually went to school with. After a few more weeks, i got a phone call on my mobile from a private number, and as most people would do, i answered it! There was some guy on the phone, i recognised the voice from somewhere, but couldn't quite catch who it was till i'd put the phone down. They were saying some quite nasty things about my best friend, and i wasn't going to sit there and let them talk about my friend like that. I realised who it was, my Ex's friend. So i messaged my Ex, telling him i knew it was him calling me and saying that stuff. I knew he wasn't the one saying it, but out of the people who were there, he was the only one who had my number! He denied it. But i knew it was him.
Then from then on, it happened to burst into a bit of an argument between us both. By then i had gotten over the break up, and i'm also not the type of person who argues over such petty things! I'v been told i'm quite mature for my age, and like to think that it's true. Almost a year on from when we started seeing eachother, i knew i was completely over everything! Then one day, i got a text message on my phone from my Ex, saying how sorry he was for everything, and how he regrets everything he did. As i was reading it, it really did put the biggest smile on my face, so i replied saying i'd forgive him, i'm not the type of person to hold a grudge. He was still with the same girl he was with before at this time, the one i went to school with. But since then, we've been texting a lot, everyday, like we used too. It always put a smile on my face. He was kind of flirting, even though he was still with someone, but he'd told me how him and his girlfriend were literally at break point, as they were always arguing. He was saying how he really wanted to see me again, but i wasn't sure if i should have met him, beause he was still in a relationship. I still love him, it really hurt inside, knowing he was with someone else! I still love him now, to this day, and even told myself he still loves me back, as i believe he does. Now, he's not with that girl anymore, i was so happy when i first heard about then breaking upBreaking up refers to the dissolution of a romantic love relationship. Many people have a tendency to break up in order to preempt or discharge unwanted or painful feelings. For example, if you are...(Click for full definition.), thinking that maybe we could get back together after a while.
But now i'm having second thoughts about the whole situation... It's been nearly a month since they broke up, and me and him are still talking. I do still love him, but i really wish i didn't. I know that if we did start seeing each other again, then there's no chance it could ever be like it used to. Also, if we did end up breaking up again, then i wouldn't want to go back to not talk to him again. I love talking to him. He's always making me laugh, and i love it! I'd love to stay friends, but i just have no idea what to do. I love him, still. I wish i didn't love him, but i can't help it. Should i stop talking to him altoghether? Should i tell him how i feel? I've tried talking to my friends about the situation, but they don't really know what to do either. So the bottom line is, I'm still in love with my Ex, but really wish i wasn't... What do i do? Please help me, it's been bothering me for quite a while now. Jodoe_w
Completely Confused. What Do I Do?
I understand that you still love your ex and also understand why you wish you didn’t. Part of you wants your ex back and part of you doesn't. The part of you that isn't sure is afraid of two things: 1) That you might not experience this time around the wonderful relationship that you had the last time; and 2) Having to live through the pain you recently suffered of losing the friend that you love talking with in the event you break up again.
From my perspective, this guy is fickle, impulsive and not trustworthy. He broke up with you in an immature and heartless way, on a social networking site no less. He didn’t even have the decency to tell you why. He essentially murdered you off by making a one-sided decision to end it and then cutting off communications with you. A few weeks later, he was already seeing another girl, and I suspect that he had already begun something with her when he was still your boyfriend. Then he started flirting with you while he was still with this other girl. It would appear that he saw that his other relationship was tanking and before he jumped ship, he made sure to line you up and have you waiting in the wings so he wouldn’t be without a girlfriend. I don’t trust him and I’m worried for you.
You asked if you should talk to him, stop communications or just be friends?
I understand that you are a forgiving person and that you don’t hold grudges. BUT you need to be savy and protect yourself. You should be fearful, wary and filled with doubts about him based on his past behavior. The point is CYA: you must not put your ass out into the Siberian winds!
Before you would even consider being his friend, let alone his girlfriend, you need to have answers to numerous questions. For example, I’d want to know what happened last time around. What wasn’t working for him in the relationship? Why does he think the relationship would be more satisfactory to him now? How are you supposed to understand his 180 degree shift from being your best friend to nothing, with no warning. Was he thinking about breaking upBreaking up refers to the dissolution of a romantic love relationship. Many people have a tendency to break up in order to preempt or discharge unwanted or painful feelings. For example, if you are...(Click for full definition.) for some time? Was he pursuing that other girl while he was still seeing you (just like he pursued you recently while still being with his now ex-girlfriend)? What’s to say that he wouldn’t do this to you again? And why did he break-up without warning. Why did he think it was OK to do it through a social networking site, rather than talk to you directly. Why did he feel that it was OK to cut-off communications? Did he consider how you might feel about his actions? How did he want you to feel? Last but not least, what’s different this time around? How can you be sure that he won’t do this to you again? What guarantee do you have that he’s matured to the point that he’ll talk to you about what’s not working, rather than take a hike?
You need to have a lot of serious discussions and feel comfortable with his answers, and confident that he’s grown emotionally. Until and unless you feel comfortable and secure, you cannot risk becoming romantically involved with him again.
If you enjoy the friendship, you could opt to keep a friendship, but only if it’s good for you and if you are 100% safe.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show