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I'm Still In Love With My Ex, But I Really Wish I Wasn't..
April 17, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I've known my Ex for years. Our parents went to school together, and since the first day we met, we immediately connected. Also, he only lives a few houses down from me, which made it easier for both of us. I'm only 16 at the moment, and i know there are people out there that say you can't experience love and heartbreak at such a young age. But honestly, it kills me inside as i sit and think about things every night, and as i'm writing this! We are both more or less the same age, i'm exactly a week older than him. We started going out at the begining of March last year, 2011. It lasted around 5 months, not really as long as i'd hoped. He was the one who had actually ended it, still unsure why. I was on holiday at the time he'd ended it, it was only as i came back to England and went on my phone to find a message on a social networking site. It killed me inside, as i truely did love him, more than anyone before! Took me quite a while to finally realise it had ended, and after a few months, i'd thought i'd gotten over everything! Virtually after the break up, we stopped talking to eachother, which i felt was hard, since we'd been such good friends before, talking to eachother every day, to not talking to eachother at all! As we lived so close to eachother, it made it very difficult since we often saw see eachother, but just never said anything.
Only few weeks later, i had heard from other people that he was now seeing another girl, of whom i actually went to school with. After a few more weeks, i got a phone call on my mobile from a private number, and as most people would do, i answered it! There was some guy on the phone, i recognised the voice from somewhere, but couldn't quite catch who it was till i'd put the phone down. They were saying some quite nasty things about my best friend, and i wasn't going to sit there and let them talk about my friend like that. I realised who it was, my Ex's friend. So i messaged my Ex, telling him i knew it was him calling me and saying that stuff. I knew he wasn't the one saying it, but out of the people who were there, he was the only one who had my number! He denied it. But i knew it was him.
Then from then on, it happened to burst into a bit of an argument between us both. By then i had gotten over the break up, and i'm also not the type of person who argues over such petty things! I'v been told i'm quite mature for my age, and like to think that it's true. Almost a year on from when we started seeing eachother, i knew i was completely over everything! Then one day, i got a text message on my phone from my Ex, saying how sorry he was for everything, and how he regrets everything he did. As i was reading it, it really did put the biggest smile on my face, so i replied saying i'd forgive him, i'm not the type of person to hold a grudge. He was still with the same girl he was with before at this time, the one i went to school with. But since then, we've been texting a lot, everyday, like we used too. It always put a smile on my face. He was kind of flirting, even though he was still with someone, but he'd told me how him and his girlfriend were literally at break point, as they were always arguing. He was saying how he really wanted to see me again, but i wasn't sure if i should have met him, beause he was still in a relationship. I still love him, it really hurt inside, knowing he was with someone else! I still love him now, to this day, and even told myself he still loves me back, as i believe he does. Now, he's not with that girl anymore, i was so happy when i first heard about then breaking upBreaking up refers to the dissolution of a romantic love relationship. Many people have a tendency to break up in order to preempt or discharge unwanted or painful feelings. For example, if you are...(Click for full definition.), thinking that maybe we could get back together after a while.
But now i'm having second thoughts about the whole situation... It's been nearly a month since they broke up, and me and him are still talking. I do still love him, but i really wish i didn't. I know that if we did start seeing each other again, then there's no chance it could ever be like it used to. Also, if we did end up breaking up again, then i wouldn't want to go back to not talk to him again. I love talking to him. He's always making me laugh, and i love it! I'd love to stay friends, but i just have no idea what to do. I love him, still. I wish i didn't love him, but i can't help it. Should i stop talking to him altoghether? Should i tell him how i feel? I've tried talking to my friends about the situation, but they don't really know what to do either. So the bottom line is, I'm still in love with my Ex, but really wish i wasn't... What do i do? Please help me, it's been bothering me for quite a while now. Jodoe_w
Completely Confused. What Do I Do?
I understand that you still love your ex and also understand why you wish you didn’t. Part of you wants your ex back and part of you doesn't. The part of you that isn't sure is afraid of two things: 1) That you might not experience this time around the wonderful relationship that you had the last time; and 2) Having to live through the pain you recently suffered of losing the friend that you love talking with in the event you break up again.
From my perspective, this guy is fickle, impulsive and not trustworthy. He broke up with you in an immature and heartless way, on a social networking site no less. He didn’t even have the decency to tell you why. He essentially murdered you off by making a one-sided decision to end it and then cutting off communications with you. A few weeks later, he was already seeing another girl, and I suspect that he had already begun something with her when he was still your boyfriend. Then he started flirting with you while he was still with this other girl. It would appear that he saw that his other relationship was tanking and before he jumped ship, he made sure to line you up and have you waiting in the wings so he wouldn’t be without a girlfriend. I don’t trust him and I’m worried for you.
You asked if you should talk to him, stop communications or just be friends?
I understand that you are a forgiving person and that you don’t hold grudges. BUT you need to be savy and protect yourself. You should be fearful, wary and filled with doubts about him based on his past behavior. The point is CYA: you must not put your ass out into the Siberian winds!
Before you would even consider being his friend, let alone his girlfriend, you need to have answers to numerous questions. For example, I’d want to know what happened last time around. What wasn’t working for him in the relationship? Why does he think the relationship would be more satisfactory to him now? How are you supposed to understand his 180 degree shift from being your best friend to nothing, with no warning. Was he thinking about breaking upBreaking up refers to the dissolution of a romantic love relationship. Many people have a tendency to break up in order to preempt or discharge unwanted or painful feelings. For example, if you are...(Click for full definition.) for some time? Was he pursuing that other girl while he was still seeing you (just like he pursued you recently while still being with his now ex-girlfriend)? What’s to say that he wouldn’t do this to you again? And why did he break-up without warning. Why did he think it was OK to do it through a social networking site, rather than talk to you directly. Why did he feel that it was OK to cut-off communications? Did he consider how you might feel about his actions? How did he want you to feel? Last but not least, what’s different this time around? How can you be sure that he won’t do this to you again? What guarantee do you have that he’s matured to the point that he’ll talk to you about what’s not working, rather than take a hike?
You need to have a lot of serious discussions and feel comfortable with his answers, and confident that he’s grown emotionally. Until and unless you feel comfortable and secure, you cannot risk becoming romantically involved with him again.
If you enjoy the friendship, you could opt to keep a friendship, but only if it’s good for you and if you are 100% safe.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
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-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show