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I'm Completely Depressed but I Shouldn't be I Don't Think
May 15, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi Dr Love, So my ex and I broke up because I couldn't take him calling me names or being mean or accusing me of cheating anymore. We both calmed down later and agreed to not get back together until all the hard stuff we had to get through was over like SATs and APs and stuff. During our relationship he always was a very jealous person and was very sensitive to cheating. When we broke up, he thought and I thought too we would get back together in the future and we were both going to be successful in life, so we both vowed not to be with another person romantically. I promised him that, but I didn't mean it and he doesn't know that. I never did anything unfaithful and I never wanted to hurt him. I liked another boy and planned to tell him when I knew the other boy liked me too. But I haven't done anything yet. Anyway, the ironic part is I found out through a source I can't reveal that he has been romantically involved with another girl recently. This was a few days after we had broken up that it started. They went to the movies, they went on a walk and they're now kissing and giving each other backrubs and lying in bed with one another. They're thinking of having sex. I'm just so upset about this because I knew this girl liked him a lot before and he never wanted to introduce me to her. It's just awful because when he got kicked out of his house for doing drugs, he moved into a trailer and now they're sleeping together and thinking about having sex. It's also to the point where he's getting jealous about other guys with her. He promised to tell me if he liked another girl and he hasn't yet and I don't think ever will. I'm so depressed because I still love him though I know I can't be with him and I thought he loved me too because he called me a week ago and this was after they talked about having sex and at the end of the call he said that he loved me. It's so upsetting because I was worried that things were going on before we broke up. It's ironic that he was the one accusing me of cheating and now it feels like he cheated on me. I sent him a hateful message when I found out on facebook. He also made a scrapbook of a bunch of pictures of us and he told me if I sent it back to him he would think it would be over. I'm planning to send it back to him with an angry and depressed letter attached. How should I feel right now? What should I do to interact with him?
First of all, you said you’re depressed, when, in fact, you’re boiling mad! When you broke up, you both vowed to not see anyone else romantically and he broke his word. He also promised to tell you if he liked another girl, which he didn’t do. Then, you heard through the grapevine that he’s seeing another girl and even thinking of sleeping with her. To top it all off, he called you and told you that he loves you while he’s involved with another girl and about to sleep with her. You feel hurt and betrayed and angry.
The fact that he accused you of cheatingSee Infidelity. during your relationship is extremely infuriating, especially considering that he’s doing the very thing that he accused you of.
Before you waste precious energy worrying about how you should interact with him, you should instead be focusing on understanding: 1) why you remained with a boyfriend who was so destructive and attacking toward you; and 2) why you would consider returning to such a person.
From the way you described his treatment of you, it sounds like you have an Old Scar from childhood that is being played out in your adult romantic relationships. If I had to guess, I would say that you were raised by a parent that berated and falsely accused you. I encourage you to read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). My book will help you identify the exact Old Scar that you are suffering from and show you how to heal it. As you heal, you will see that you are fortunate to have been saved from enduring a life of misery with this guy.
Regarding the question of how you should interact with him, clearly the unhealed you that is carrying your own Old Scars will be tempted to interact with him in a very different way than the healed you will after you heal your unfinished business.
When you are healed, you will see just how damaged this guy is and how incapable he is of forming a relationship. When you heal, and you see through healthier lenses, you will be able to just look upon him with pity and feel gratitude for your release.
If you really feel the need to let him know how you feel about his actions, do not stoop to acting in an abusive way yourself. Simply describe his actions and tell him how you feel about them.
I beg you to work on healing yourself. Otherwise I know that you will become a target for another, similar man.
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