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I Want Him Back
June 25, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I am 53 and divorced. I met the most gorgeous man 22 months ago and we had a wonderful time. He is everything I have always wanted: witty, erudite, intelligent, charming, good company and we had a great deal in common. He has 2 young daughters and wanted to keep them out of things, which I understood, I would have done the same had mine been younger. He became my best friend and confidant.
2months ago he emailed me whilst away with his children and said he thought we'd reached the crest of the wave an were coming down the other side and that he wasn't go to see me any more. He said we didn't need to lose each other entirely but that we should take a break.
I was gutted but wrote him an email thanking him for a wonderful 20 months, telling him I'd miss him but wishing him goodbye and all the best for the future.
I have been breaking my heart ever since and just can;t seem to get over him. I have never, ever felt like this in my whole life before. What an age to fall in love for the first time.
Can I contact him? Should I? How do I find out if he is missing me? We have no mutual friends and may never see each other or hear of each other ever again.
Lonely in My Heart
I feel how heartbroken you are. What’s so horrendous is that you didn’t see the deathblow coming. He blindsided you, giving you zero warning that there was discontent on his end. Then he made a one-side decision to end it, and via email, which was cruel and heartless.
One thing is sure. He had made up his mind that the relationship was over for him and he used the built-in separation provided by his vacation as his way of backing out permanently. The fact that he didn’t speak to you about what wasn’t working for him and simply said that the relationship had crested and was on the downside says that he had already made up his mind to walk and that he has no intention of looking back.
Since the relationship seemed so wonderful, I’m struck by the fact that you saw no signs that the relationship was not going along just fine for him. It seems like he was either a very good actor and pretended that the relationship was wonderful for him (and that he had no interest or ability to work on it) or he truly did find the relationship wonderful and ended it all the same.
As I reflected on both possibilities, I started thinking about why his marriage failed. Then I began to wonder if he’s the kind of man who can’t form and sustain a deep intimacyAn intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship. It can be defined by these characteristics: enduring behavioral interdependence, repeated interactions, emotional...(Click for full definition.), meaning that he eventually always pulls away; and perhaps he engaged in this same pullback with his ex, which ultimately ruined the relationship.
Or perhaps he became frightened of forming another lasting attachment following the break-up of his marriage. If this is the case, then he may have made up his mind to never become too deeply attached; meaning he plans to live his life from now on as one extended surfing vacation filled with fun and excitement. Then he exits the relationship once he’s ridden out the thrill of the first wave of passion.
It’s possible too that this man was even more sinister than a simple intimacy phobic or fun seeker. I had the image of Mephistopheles, the demon in the Faust legend. Could this man have been the devil himself, charming you, seducing and then murdering you in a devilish fashion? Does he hate women and is he a serial lady killer?
Or is he is the consummate two-faced coward? Did he hide his discontent and then skulk off without facing you?
Even though we’ll probably never know the full truth about him, I do know that no matter how lonely you feel you must never reach out to him. Doing so would be rewarding his awful behavior and disrespecting yourself. If he missed you, he would be reaching out to you.
At this point, all your focus needs to be on you, not him and the relationship. You need to grieve and above all learn from this experience. The most important lesson here is that you didn’t know this man well enough. He looked good on paper; you seemed compatible and you enjoyed each other’s company, but it doesn’t sound like you delved deep enough to discover who he was beneath his “beautiful” exterior. You didn’t know about his prior relationship patterns and you also assumed but never clarified that he what he wanted for himself in terms of relationships, commitmentFear of commitment is a common source of conflict for couples. Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find...(Click for full definition.), etc.
Sadly, you allowed yourself to be blinded by his “package.” And, you nfortunately, your eyes were closed but your heart was wide open. You assumed he was as he appeared to be, and that you were both on the same page. Most of all you assumed that he also wanted a long-term gig.
I have created a tool that I call Critical Questions to Ask Before You Get Close. It’s a free download when you sign up for my free newsletter. This guide will show you how to keep your wits about you especially in the early stages of a relationship when your head is being spun around by sexual chemistry and infatuation . My guide will show you how to ask the right questions so that you make sure that the person you are dating or involved with is truly who he/she says he is AND is also on the same page as you.
Had you used this guide, you would have found out all about why his relationship with his ex and his other past relationships failed (noting if he put all the blame on his partners and took no responsibility for his role in the break-ups), whether he wanted a long-term commitment, whether he wanted to just have fun, etc.
In the future, promise me that you will “interview” your prospective partners with eyes wide open. I want you to promise not to give your precious, dear heart away to a man until he proves that he deserves to have it.
While you’re at it, also download my free guide called Why Didn’t it Work out With Your Ex? This is my relationship post mortem tool that helps you evaluate your ex’s emotional baggage to understand whether he/she was truly ready for a relationship. This guide may give us some more answers to this puzzle.
I know you love this man and miss him. But the painful truth is you were in love with a mirage. This man wasn’t nearly as “beautiful” as he appeared. Yes, he may have been educated, witty, cultured and erudite, but all these qualities are useless if the man is too damaged or unwilling to form a lasting bond. A good man who is willing to devote himself to your happiness for the long haul is truly beautiful.
I’m sorry you were hurt. We won’t let this happen to you twice. Heal, and use my guides so you will be much more circumspect the next time around.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show