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I Need Answers Before It's Too Late
March 12, 2013 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love,
It has been 2 years that I've been with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is very understanding despite the fact that I am impatient and moody. He never cheated on me, so I guess I should be thankful for that. My problem is that he always fails to add an extra ingredient to all the special occasions within the range of our relationship. The latest are my Birthday and our 2nd year anniversary.
For my birthday, he didn't even show up. I was all alone in my apartment.
During our anniversary, a date couldn't fit in with our busy schedule and we both have lots of expenses. I am not a material person. He could have at least given me a heartwarming letter or a very sweet sms message.
He is my first boyfriend. I'm only 20. My problems regarding his actions has been bothering me from our first year until the present. I am wondering why I am still trying to find love from other people. I always grab the opportunity when I find a cute guy who shows interest for me but of course none of these turned into a relationship because I have a boyfriend.
Lately, I was flirting with this cute neighbor who also has a girlfriend. When he started avoiding me, I developed an attraction to one of my blockmates. I would like to know what is wrong with me. Why am I not happy with just my boyfriend. Why am I still looking for love from other people?
Signed: Troubled Girl
Why am I looking for long from other people?
You ask what's wrong with you, specifically why you seek attention and love from other men and why you aren't satisfied with just your boyfriend. Let me give you an analogy that will answer your question. Imagine sitting down to dinner. You're starved. The plate that is put before you is empty. You leave the table without haven eaten and you're starving. In this case, would you ask me what is wrong with you? Do you wonder why you're hungry?
You're hungry because your needs aren't being met.
I'm going to go a step farther and say that I don't think that you believe deep down that you deserve to be treated well. I think you feel guilty over being irritable with him. And, I think you unconsciously feel that you deserve to be punished for this. When you say at least he doesn't cheat on me, I hear you saying, "I don't deserve to be treated well. So I'm lucky that he doesn't cheat on me."
You're both locked in a vicious cycle. You are irritable because he doesn't "feed" you on some basic levels. You go off on him and he resents you for it. He doesn't cheat, but he punishes you in another way, by "forgetting" your birthday and anniversary. When he forgets, you behave in a moody irritable way, which angers him and makes him forget some more. See the vicious cycle?
The problem here is you both are acting out your feelings rather than talking about them. You feel hurt and you ACT moody. He gets mad when you act irritably, so he gets back at you by neglectful ACTS.
Most relationships fall apart precisely because couples act out rather than communicate their feelings constructively.
To break this negative cycle, you must stop acting moody and irritable and talk to him instead using constructive communications.
The most constructive communications are proactive, meaning you tell your partner what you like and what you want, so that he has a chance to please you, rather than wait until he lets you down. It's much harder to be constructive and positive in your communications (to not fall into Fight Traps like nagging, blaming, criticizing, whining, etc.) when you've already been let down and you're telling him so. As I said, when you criticize him he's going to feel hurt and angry and pay you back.
From now on tell him in a calm and neutral tone BEFORE your birthday or anniversary how much it would mean for you to receive a sweet SMS message from him acknowledging the day.
When he responds to your wishes, which he will if you communicate your needs correctly, make a big fuss about it. Be grateful. Praise him. Offering gratitude and praise is the best way to encourage more of the same behavior. Because we humans seek pleasure, he will want to continue behaving in ways that bring him positive feelings.
Do what I instruct and you will have him eating out of the palm of your hand! And wanting to remember all the things that please you.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show