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I Love Someone But Does He Love Me?
July 8, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi my name is Jackie. I dont know where to start. I have been with this guy for about 3 years now. We are like best friends and a couple. I met him a year after he came out of a 8 year relationship. He told me in the beginning he wants to be a buddhist monk but i never believed him. He told me sometimes i must move on and be with someone else as he cant offer the things i want in life as he wants to become a monk. As soon as i try to leave him alone and respect his wishes i find myself back with him. We never fight and we do everything together. We are like almost the perfect couple. We can talk about everything and and we along very well. I have told him that i love him and in this 3 years he has told me once he loved me. He doesnt show much emotion or love but i can feel he does. Now he decided to leave everything and become a monk. He has been reading the books , listening to talks and trying to let go of this world. Im trying to understand and i even read for him but its like he is stuck in between. He told me the only reason he cant be with me is because of what he wants in life. But still he sees me and wants to be with at the same time. I had a fight with his mother 4 days ago and i left his house and now he angry with both of us and have not spoken to us. He said he just wants to be alone and we must just leave him. I havent spoken to him a few days now. I really love him so much. When i think of us not being together i get this shiver and cant breath properly.
I dont know what to do or what to believe. What does he want. Does he love me. What must I do. Im so confused. I dont know if he is still in love with his ex and finding it hard to let go and fully commit to me. I know he wants Buddhism very much also. I'm so heartbroken. I need advise. I need answers. No can help me with this as this a very rare case. Please help me with this. I dont want to feel this sadness anymore.
I Don't Want to Feel This Sadness Anymore
I’m sorry your heart is so broken. You’re in love with a man who isn’t available. The problem is he is very conflicted. Instead of just ending it with you and entering the monastery, he keeps jerking your chain, luring you in, like a fish on a line, then, instead of throwing you back into the water, he leaves you to dangle on the hook. Again and again, he keeps one toe in the water and one toe out of it. It’s time for him to fish or cut bait.
He is clearly divided between his religious calling and his attachment to you. But his ambivalence is killing you. You need to protect yourself emotionally. The only way to do this is for you to take charge. Better to die by your own sword than allow him to kill you again and again. Reclaim your power. You’re hurting and heartbroken anyway, so it’s time to deliver the coup de grace and end it. You’re already heartbroken now. If you end it, yes, you will also be heartbroken. But this heartbreak will be different. You will be saving yourself by setting yourself free. The pain will bring healing. If you leave your fate to him, you will never heal; the grief will be endless.
Your taking charge will also force him to fish or cut bait. I think it will also flush him out. I suspect that he’s using this Buddhist calling as a smokescreen to cover deeper issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. regarding his own fear of intimacyThe causes of fear of intimacy are nearly identical to the fear of commitment. See Fear of Commitment and commitmentFear of commitment is a common source of conflict for couples. Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find...(Click for full definition.). People with these fears use various external excuses to dilute the connection in order to hold the other at arms length. His distancing tool is the order. (I can’t commit to you because I want to enter the order). This excuse is not different than other distancing tools, such as: needing space to find oneself, or working too much, or cheatingSee Infidelity. to dilute the connection. The underlying problem is the same: the person is afraid to jump in with both feet.
In the end, you need to step out, save yourself and stop allowing yourself to be yanked. Tell him you’re not waiting around any longer. You’re done. He can commit to the order or you, but he can’t have both. Time to poop or get off the pot.
Set the limit and step back.
I bet you he won’t be entering that order so fast. If he really wanted to do so, he’d have entered long ago.
If you do have the courage to take charge and end it, I think that he will not only notenter the order but that he’ll actually chase you and ask you to come back to him. If he does this, it will prove that the real issue here is fear of intimacy/commitment; that he only feels safe to jump in with you when you have aren’t close to him and aren’t putting any demands on him.
If you take the bait, he’ll be jerking your chain again in no time, once again telling you that he can’t commit and that he wants to the enter the order.
Perhaps you’ll need to play this out, that is end it, watch him ask you to come back, then watch him waffle again in order to convince yourself that there is no future here.
If you do play this out, make sure to keep your heart under your protection. Keep your guard up and brace yourself for what I’m warning you will happen—that he will retreat again. If you are prepared, you won’t be so crushed this next time around. Furthermore, if he does jerk your chain again, as predicted, you may then feel ready take charge and end the relationship without any lingering doubts or misgivings, knowing once and for all that he’s not emotionally capable of a committed relationship.
Please let me know how you make out.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show