- Dr. Love in the Media
I Love Someone But Does He Love Me?
July 8, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi my name is Jackie. I dont know where to start. I have been with this guy for about 3 years now. We are like best friends and a couple. I met him a year after he came out of a 8 year relationship. He told me in the beginning he wants to be a buddhist monk but i never believed him. He told me sometimes i must move on and be with someone else as he cant offer the things i want in life as he wants to become a monk. As soon as i try to leave him alone and respect his wishes i find myself back with him. We never fight and we do everything together. We are like almost the perfect couple. We can talk about everything and and we along very well. I have told him that i love him and in this 3 years he has told me once he loved me. He doesnt show much emotion or love but i can feel he does. Now he decided to leave everything and become a monk. He has been reading the books , listening to talks and trying to let go of this world. Im trying to understand and i even read for him but its like he is stuck in between. He told me the only reason he cant be with me is because of what he wants in life. But still he sees me and wants to be with at the same time. I had a fight with his mother 4 days ago and i left his house and now he angry with both of us and have not spoken to us. He said he just wants to be alone and we must just leave him. I havent spoken to him a few days now. I really love him so much. When i think of us not being together i get this shiver and cant breath properly.
I dont know what to do or what to believe. What does he want. Does he love me. What must I do. Im so confused. I dont know if he is still in love with his ex and finding it hard to let go and fully commit to me. I know he wants Buddhism very much also. I'm so heartbroken. I need advise. I need answers. No can help me with this as this a very rare case. Please help me with this. I dont want to feel this sadness anymore.
I Don't Want to Feel This Sadness Anymore
I’m sorry your heart is so broken. You’re in love with a man who isn’t available. The problem is he is very conflicted. Instead of just ending it with you and entering the monastery, he keeps jerking your chain, luring you in, like a fish on a line, then, instead of throwing you back into the water, he leaves you to dangle on the hook. Again and again, he keeps one toe in the water and one toe out of it. It’s time for him to fish or cut bait.
He is clearly divided between his religious calling and his attachment to you. But his ambivalence is killing you. You need to protect yourself emotionally. The only way to do this is for you to take charge. Better to die by your own sword than allow him to kill you again and again. Reclaim your power. You’re hurting and heartbroken anyway, so it’s time to deliver the coup de grace and end it. You’re already heartbroken now. If you end it, yes, you will also be heartbroken. But this heartbreak will be different. You will be saving yourself by setting yourself free. The pain will bring healing. If you leave your fate to him, you will never heal; the grief will be endless.
Your taking charge will also force him to fish or cut bait. I think it will also flush him out. I suspect that he’s using this Buddhist calling as a smokescreen to cover deeper issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. regarding his own fear of intimacyThe causes of fear of intimacy are nearly identical to the fear of commitment. See Fear of Commitment and commitmentFear of commitment is a common source of conflict for couples. Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find...(Click for full definition.). People with these fears use various external excuses to dilute the connection in order to hold the other at arms length. His distancing tool is the order. (I can’t commit to you because I want to enter the order). This excuse is not different than other distancing tools, such as: needing space to find oneself, or working too much, or cheatingSee Infidelity. to dilute the connection. The underlying problem is the same: the person is afraid to jump in with both feet.
In the end, you need to step out, save yourself and stop allowing yourself to be yanked. Tell him you’re not waiting around any longer. You’re done. He can commit to the order or you, but he can’t have both. Time to poop or get off the pot.
Set the limit and step back.
I bet you he won’t be entering that order so fast. If he really wanted to do so, he’d have entered long ago.
If you do have the courage to take charge and end it, I think that he will not only notenter the order but that he’ll actually chase you and ask you to come back to him. If he does this, it will prove that the real issue here is fear of intimacy/commitment; that he only feels safe to jump in with you when you have aren’t close to him and aren’t putting any demands on him.
If you take the bait, he’ll be jerking your chain again in no time, once again telling you that he can’t commit and that he wants to the enter the order.
Perhaps you’ll need to play this out, that is end it, watch him ask you to come back, then watch him waffle again in order to convince yourself that there is no future here.
If you do play this out, make sure to keep your heart under your protection. Keep your guard up and brace yourself for what I’m warning you will happen—that he will retreat again. If you are prepared, you won’t be so crushed this next time around. Furthermore, if he does jerk your chain again, as predicted, you may then feel ready take charge and end the relationship without any lingering doubts or misgivings, knowing once and for all that he’s not emotionally capable of a committed relationship.
Please let me know how you make out.
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