- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Feelings for Her (forbidden?)
July 9, 2011 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
First I was embarrassed to write about this, then I thought it better to ask out openly than hiding out. I think about my mother while masturbating, almost 90% of the time. Strangely, if I need to get a full erection quickly, only thinking about her makes it. Mostly I don't imagine her nude, but imagine her in bra and petticoat.
I'm from India, and I believe my mother is a very decent woman. You might be aware of the traditional Indian wear saree, which my mother normally wears. She strips her saree even in my presence, revealing herself in a blouse and petticoat, which in-turn exposes her parts like stomach, midriff, navel, cleavage, and clear shape of her breasts in the tight fitting Indian blouse.
There had been times she even striped down to bra and petticoat, but showing her back to me, facing the wall. It may be normal for a mom to be in her bras or bikini in America, but in Indian culture, a mother won't expose herself in bra.
She used to ask me to adjust her bra strap - in the back only, to place it inside the blouse border, and while doing this I get to see her ample cleavage and bra covered mounds as I stand close behind her and as she loosens the ends of her blouse near her shoulders on front.
Also she comes out from bathroom covering herself in her petticoat alone which barely covers her breasts to upper thighs, leaving exposing her back til her hips and in front exposing her full thighs. I got attracted due to these exposures, and inside my mind I'm longing for all these.
There was once she asked me am I wearing my underwear. I replied yes, then she asked why my pant zipper portion is bulging? I was embarrassed as I was having an erection. So she notices my things.
One night while sleeping, one of her breasts was half visible out of her blouse as few hooks were unhooked (I don't know how). I got aroused, and I lifted the side of blouse above her breast. Then I touched her breast and nipple slowly, then also placed my mouth there like kissing, I did this for some 10 minutes, then felt she's about to get awake. So I left the blouse open and rushed back to my bed. We were in the same room only, after some 15 minutes she opened her eyes and covered her breast and hooked the blouse. I really don't know it was accidental or not.
My final question is it ok to think about my mother for my masturbation? (I'm unable to avoid thinking of her)
Signed: A Good Son
I very much admire your courage to share your story with me. I also admire your honestyMany people believe that "honesty is the best policy" in intimate relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. Practicing this philosophy by speaking your mind at all costs may cost you...(Click for full definition.).
First of all, let me say that it is normal to have sexual feelings for our parents. They are, after all, our first love objects. I'll come back to this point in a minute.
For now, I want to distinguish between feelings and actions. Feelings, thoughts and fantasies are all fine. But acting on sexual feelings for family members is problematic.
The incest taboo prohibits family members from having sexual relations with each other. There are laws that support this taboo precisely because of the universality of the urges to have relations with family members. If this kind of feeling were not universal, there would be no need for such taboos and laws.
The two main reasons that sexual relations are not permitted among family members are: 1) inbreeding causes genetic errors that lead to birth defects; and 2) incest leads to terrible rivalries that would place the survival of the family unit and society at large in jeopardy.
Now, to return to my earlier point about it being perfectly normal for you to feel sexual feelings toward your mother… Your situation is unusual in that your mother is definitely behaving seductively toward you. She is titillating you--no pun intended by revealing herself to you in her panties and bra,, asking you to adjust her bra straps, noticing your erections in her presence, etc. Her behavior is all the more inappropriate given the culture in which you live.
The result of her seductive behavior is that it fans the flames of your own natural attraction. In other words, she's adding fuel to your fire.
I had the feeling that there is no other man such as a husband or father. If there is, he seems to be absent. Keep in mind that the normal progression of a boy's development is to fall passionately in love with his mother. For a time, he wishes to kill off the father, so that he can have mother to himself. Ultimately, he realizes that mom belongs to dad, so he must give her up and, instead, marry a girl like mom. This final step is the resolution of the Oedipal struggle. It permits a guy to move on, let go of mom and find another love object.
Can you see that apparent absence of a male figure combined with your mother's seductive behavior ignites fantasy and fuels hope in you, which results in your not being able to resolve the Oedipal struggle. To date, you haven't felt the need to give her up because there seems to be no rival for her affections.
Obviously this pattern is meeting her needs. On some level she knows that she's turning you on and it's pleasing her. I obviously don't know her story but I can make some educated guesses: She might have been raised by a father who was seductive with her and she's repeating the pattern; or perhaps, she is copying her mother's seductive behavior; She may feel unloved by your father and is looking to fill the void with you.
Because she's getting satisfaction by fanning your incestuous urges, she's not going to want to give it up. I notice that you signed your letter to me "A Good Son." I believe that you actually sense that she has a need to use you in this way, and being a good son, you are permitting her to do so--at your own expense.
Actually, I'm angry with her. Gratifying her has to stop. You need to be permitted to grow up and have a life with another woman. To dilute the hold she has on you and help you separate from her, I suggest that you tell her that you find it embarrassing to see her undressed. This is a delicate way of presenting the matter, rather than telling her upfront that she's turning you.
Then, I'd like you start diversifying your sexuality. Look at pictures of other women, and masturbate to these pictures. If your culture permits you to date, then begin seeing other females socially. Fantasize about them and masturbate to them. This won't be easy for you, since you are totally fixated on her. But as she backs off and you open your eyes to broader horizons, I think you'll be able to dilute your feelings for her and move forward.
Please let me know how you progress.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
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Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
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author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
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Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
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L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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