- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Feelings for Her (forbidden?)
July 9, 2011 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
First I was embarrassed to write about this, then I thought it better to ask out openly than hiding out. I think about my mother while masturbating, almost 90% of the time. Strangely, if I need to get a full erection quickly, only thinking about her makes it. Mostly I don't imagine her nude, but imagine her in bra and petticoat.
I'm from India, and I believe my mother is a very decent woman. You might be aware of the traditional Indian wear saree, which my mother normally wears. She strips her saree even in my presence, revealing herself in a blouse and petticoat, which in-turn exposes her parts like stomach, midriff, navel, cleavage, and clear shape of her breasts in the tight fitting Indian blouse.
There had been times she even striped down to bra and petticoat, but showing her back to me, facing the wall. It may be normal for a mom to be in her bras or bikini in America, but in Indian culture, a mother won't expose herself in bra.
She used to ask me to adjust her bra strap - in the back only, to place it inside the blouse border, and while doing this I get to see her ample cleavage and bra covered mounds as I stand close behind her and as she loosens the ends of her blouse near her shoulders on front.
Also she comes out from bathroom covering herself in her petticoat alone which barely covers her breasts to upper thighs, leaving exposing her back til her hips and in front exposing her full thighs. I got attracted due to these exposures, and inside my mind I'm longing for all these.
There was once she asked me am I wearing my underwear. I replied yes, then she asked why my pant zipper portion is bulging? I was embarrassed as I was having an erection. So she notices my things.
One night while sleeping, one of her breasts was half visible out of her blouse as few hooks were unhooked (I don't know how). I got aroused, and I lifted the side of blouse above her breast. Then I touched her breast and nipple slowly, then also placed my mouth there like kissing, I did this for some 10 minutes, then felt she's about to get awake. So I left the blouse open and rushed back to my bed. We were in the same room only, after some 15 minutes she opened her eyes and covered her breast and hooked the blouse. I really don't know it was accidental or not.
My final question is it ok to think about my mother for my masturbation? (I'm unable to avoid thinking of her)
Signed: A Good Son
I very much admire your courage to share your story with me. I also admire your honestyMany people believe that "honesty is the best policy" in intimate relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. Practicing this philosophy by speaking your mind at all costs may cost you...(Click for full definition.).
First of all, let me say that it is normal to have sexual feelings for our parents. They are, after all, our first love objects. I'll come back to this point in a minute.
For now, I want to distinguish between feelings and actions. Feelings, thoughts and fantasies are all fine. But acting on sexual feelings for family members is problematic.
The incest taboo prohibits family members from having sexual relations with each other. There are laws that support this taboo precisely because of the universality of the urges to have relations with family members. If this kind of feeling were not universal, there would be no need for such taboos and laws.
The two main reasons that sexual relations are not permitted among family members are: 1) inbreeding causes genetic errors that lead to birth defects; and 2) incest leads to terrible rivalries that would place the survival of the family unit and society at large in jeopardy.
Now, to return to my earlier point about it being perfectly normal for you to feel sexual feelings toward your mother… Your situation is unusual in that your mother is definitely behaving seductively toward you. She is titillating you--no pun intended by revealing herself to you in her panties and bra,, asking you to adjust her bra straps, noticing your erections in her presence, etc. Her behavior is all the more inappropriate given the culture in which you live.
The result of her seductive behavior is that it fans the flames of your own natural attraction. In other words, she's adding fuel to your fire.
I had the feeling that there is no other man such as a husband or father. If there is, he seems to be absent. Keep in mind that the normal progression of a boy's development is to fall passionately in love with his mother. For a time, he wishes to kill off the father, so that he can have mother to himself. Ultimately, he realizes that mom belongs to dad, so he must give her up and, instead, marry a girl like mom. This final step is the resolution of the Oedipal struggle. It permits a guy to move on, let go of mom and find another love object.
Can you see that apparent absence of a male figure combined with your mother's seductive behavior ignites fantasy and fuels hope in you, which results in your not being able to resolve the Oedipal struggle. To date, you haven't felt the need to give her up because there seems to be no rival for her affections.
Obviously this pattern is meeting her needs. On some level she knows that she's turning you on and it's pleasing her. I obviously don't know her story but I can make some educated guesses: She might have been raised by a father who was seductive with her and she's repeating the pattern; or perhaps, she is copying her mother's seductive behavior; She may feel unloved by your father and is looking to fill the void with you.
Because she's getting satisfaction by fanning your incestuous urges, she's not going to want to give it up. I notice that you signed your letter to me "A Good Son." I believe that you actually sense that she has a need to use you in this way, and being a good son, you are permitting her to do so--at your own expense.
Actually, I'm angry with her. Gratifying her has to stop. You need to be permitted to grow up and have a life with another woman. To dilute the hold she has on you and help you separate from her, I suggest that you tell her that you find it embarrassing to see her undressed. This is a delicate way of presenting the matter, rather than telling her upfront that she's turning you.
Then, I'd like you start diversifying your sexuality. Look at pictures of other women, and masturbate to these pictures. If your culture permits you to date, then begin seeing other females socially. Fantasize about them and masturbate to them. This won't be easy for you, since you are totally fixated on her. But as she backs off and you open your eyes to broader horizons, I think you'll be able to dilute your feelings for her and move forward.
Please let me know how you progress.
Free Gift With Purchase
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show