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Does it Sound Like I Should End it our Just Keep Working at it?
September 20, 2011 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We live together have two kids and one on the way but over the months it has felt like something has changed when we have sex there is no Passion at ALL. I'm 21 and he is 26 he always puts me down instead of making me feel better about things like he used to he doesn't hold me when we sleep together at night I always have to make the first move he lies about the stupidest things he always tell me how unhappy he is and turns around and says he loves me and wants to be with me he says stuff like I'm a whore I'm nothing I ain't s**t no one would ever want to be with me they would just want me for sex and we don't talk everytime we do we argue I feel the tension when ever we are in the same room he tells me that no one would ever love me like him and there has been plenty of times where he has left me but not actually broken up with me just ignored me for weeks and our phone conversations never lasted more than one min thirty sec and I always let him come home after doing me wrong like I gave birth to our first child and he was two months early weighing two pounds ten ounces he was in the Mixi I seen my boyfriend the day we had him and after that he was gone two weeks after I gave birth was the fourth of July and instead of being at the hospital with me and his son he was at an amusement park called worlds of fun with the female he cheated on me with my whole pregnancyPregnancy is the carrying of one or more offspring, known as a fetus or embryo, inside the womb of a female. with and I bleached his clothes and said I was done with him he got dropped off to the hospital where our son was and used that to get me there to where he could talk I'm seriously second guessing this realationship because as he would put it its in my hand whatever I decide is final he doesn't have a say so and I'm tired of being the only person holding this realationship together I'm asking you does it sound like I should end it our just keep working at it I need help?
Should I End it or Just Keep Working on it?
I nearly vomited when I read your letter. I was literally sick to hear how much abuse you have tolerated. This man violates you on every level. I am shocked to hear you ask whether you should keep working on the relationship. What on earth is there to work on? You’ve heard the saying it takes two to tango. How can you dance alone? He has shown no interest in looking at himself, his behavior and how he treats you. You need to run for your life.
The fact that you even would consider staying with this man combined with your question as to whether you should keep trying to work on it tells me all that I need to know about the nature of the problem. The problem resides with you, my dear one.
You are locked in what is called a repetition compulsion. This is an unconsciously driven process that is fueled by the compulsive need to relive childhood abuse in the hopes of healing your wounds.
Let me break this down for you. All kids are narcissistic meaning they think they are the center of the universe and everything is about them and because of them. Therefore, abused kids think that the abuse is their fault (if only I were a better boy or girl, if I tried harder, mommy and/or daddy would stop harming me and love me).
Kids are also ruled by what’s called the omnipotent—meaning all powerful--fantasy of childhood. This means that kids think they have the power to fix their parents.
Combine narcissism and omnipotence and what do you have: A kid who believes two things: it’s his/her fault that mommy or daddy is mean; and that he/she has the power to fix the parent.
Next, the kid grows up and chooses a partner who is abusive like the parent was. You choose someone like the parent who let you down hoping to finally heal the wound from before. If you can succeed in winning the love of your abusive partner, it will feel like you finally fixed your parent, and the damaged part of yourself will finally be healed.
It sounds good on paper, but such a plan never works precisely because the partners we choose are exactly like the parents who let us down. They can’t give us any more or any better than our parents did. The tragedy is we just get re-injured rather than healed.
Here’s the demonic thing…The repetition compulsion makes feel the compulsive drive to never give up because giving up feels like surrendering the hope of ever healing your old wounds. Sound familiar? This is why you asked should I keep trying?
Here’s what you need to do.
1) Stop trying to fix this relationship, end it and run for your life.
2) Know that physical separation is not a cure. You will again choose another abuser and fall into this pattern with your next partner.
3) Begin therapy right away. Over the years, I’ve helped thousands of people break free of the pattern you’re in and heal once and for all. You can contact me in private consulting, or find someone in your area.
4) Join an abused spouses support group. Working with other people who are in your position will be healing and empowering.
5) Stay single until the wound is healed.
You are going to have to use every bit of your will power to resist the urge to keep trying with this man. Be strong. Keep in touch and keep me posted on your progress.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
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-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show