Does it Sound Like I Should End it our Just Keep Working at it?
September 20, 2011 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We live together have two kids and one on the way but over the months it has felt like something has changed when we have sex there is no Passion at ALL. I'm 21 and he is 26 he always puts me down instead of making me feel better about things like he used to he doesn't hold me when we sleep together at night I always have to make the first move he lies about the stupidest things he always tell me how unhappy he is and turns around and says he loves me and wants to be with me he says stuff like I'm a whore I'm nothing I ain't s**t no one would ever want to be with me they would just want me for sex and we don't talk everytime we do we argue I feel the tension when ever we are in the same room he tells me that no one would ever love me like him and there has been plenty of times where he has left me but not actually broken up with me just ignored me for weeks and our phone conversations never lasted more than one min thirty sec and I always let him come home after doing me wrong like I gave birth to our first child and he was two months early weighing two pounds ten ounces he was in the Mixi I seen my boyfriend the day we had him and after that he was gone two weeks after I gave birth was the fourth of July and instead of being at the hospital with me and his son he was at an amusement park called worlds of fun with the female he cheated on me with my whole pregnancyPregnancy is the carrying of one or more offspring, known as a fetus or embryo, inside the womb of a female. with and I bleached his clothes and said I was done with him he got dropped off to the hospital where our son was and used that to get me there to where he could talk I'm seriously second guessing this realationship because as he would put it its in my hand whatever I decide is final he doesn't have a say so and I'm tired of being the only person holding this realationship together I'm asking you does it sound like I should end it our just keep working at it I need help?
Should I End it or Just Keep Working on it?
I nearly vomited when I read your letter. I was literally sick to hear how much abuse you have tolerated. This man violates you on every level. I am shocked to hear you ask whether you should keep working on the relationship. What on earth is there to work on? You’ve heard the saying it takes two to tango. How can you dance alone? He has shown no interest in looking at himself, his behavior and how he treats you. You need to run for your life.
The fact that you even would consider staying with this man combined with your question as to whether you should keep trying to work on it tells me all that I need to know about the nature of the problem. The problem resides with you, my dear one.
You are locked in what is called a repetition compulsion. This is an unconsciously driven process that is fueled by the compulsive need to relive childhood abuse in the hopes of healing your wounds.
Let me break this down for you. All kids are narcissistic meaning they think they are the center of the universe and everything is about them and because of them. Therefore, abused kids think that the abuse is their fault (if only I were a better boy or girl, if I tried harder, mommy and/or daddy would stop harming me and love me).
Kids are also ruled by what’s called the omnipotent—meaning all powerful--fantasy of childhood. This means that kids think they have the power to fix their parents.
Combine narcissism and omnipotence and what do you have: A kid who believes two things: it’s his/her fault that mommy or daddy is mean; and that he/she has the power to fix the parent.
Next, the kid grows up and chooses a partner who is abusive like the parent was. You choose someone like the parent who let you down hoping to finally heal the wound from before. If you can succeed in winning the love of your abusive partner, it will feel like you finally fixed your parent, and the damaged part of yourself will finally be healed.
It sounds good on paper, but such a plan never works precisely because the partners we choose are exactly like the parents who let us down. They can’t give us any more or any better than our parents did. The tragedy is we just get re-injured rather than healed.
Here’s the demonic thing…The repetition compulsion makes feel the compulsive drive to never give up because giving up feels like surrendering the hope of ever healing your old wounds. Sound familiar? This is why you asked should I keep trying?
Here’s what you need to do.
1) Stop trying to fix this relationship, end it and run for your life.
2) Know that physical separation is not a cure. You will again choose another abuser and fall into this pattern with your next partner.
3) Begin therapy right away. Over the years, I’ve helped thousands of people break free of the pattern you’re in and heal once and for all. You can contact me in private consulting, or find someone in your area.
4) Join an abused spouses support group. Working with other people who are in your position will be healing and empowering.
5) Stay single until the wound is healed.
You are going to have to use every bit of your will power to resist the urge to keep trying with this man. Be strong. Keep in touch and keep me posted on your progress.
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