A Big Dilemma
October 13, 2010 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi Dr. Love,
I really need your help. My boyfriend of 2 years and 6 months left me and it's been 1 month now that we are not together anymore but I miss him so much. What happened is that I lost my job about 3 months ago and since that day we always argued and he was not patient with me at all and I could not even talk with him and tell him how I feel cause he would never listen or help me at all. Suddenly one day he just came home and told me that he didn't have any more feelings for me and that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was in shock and I cried telling him why are you doing this to me (to us). He was like cause it's over. So I accepted and let him go. But the thing is the first week he called me so many times but I never answered and on the second week he called me 3 times and still I never answered. But this past week I went to see him at his job to give some stuff that he left at my house and I swear he did not stop looking at me (at my eyes) and I was like confused. But when I gave him a letter that I wrote talking about how I felt and that it hurt me that he left, I swear he cried when he finished reading it. We talked for about 20 minutes and suddenly he said to my face that he thinks about me and that he misses me so much but it will never work between us cause it's like the second time that he left me in like 2 years. But he asked me if I was talking with guys and I said to him turn the question to yourself and he said no I'm not talking with any girls. I was like happy inside, but when I was leaving he asked for a hug so I gave him one and he gave me a big one for like 2 minutes. After that he told me that I was beautiful and I said thank you. So I went into my car and I swear he did not leave the parking lot before I left, like he was still taking care of me and when I left he fallowed me and he just passed beside my car and I looked and he gave me a smile. So doctor I really wanna know what it means cause he told me that if he sees me with another guy he will be happy for me but I don't want another guy. I want him. Oh I forgot too it's been like 2 weeks now that he did not call me and when he goes on Facebook he doesn't come and talk to me either and when I see him on Facebook I don't make the move to talk to him and I never call him. So please tell me what should I do cause I so want him back and please tell me what it means cause I'm so lost and confused right now.
I hear how much you are suffering.
I know you want him back. By the way, I've just written a new e-book called Make-Up Don't Break-Up. It will soon be available for download from my site, so keep your eyes peeled and read that book as soon as it's available.
In order to get him back, you need to understand what's going on inside his head and heart. He clearly loves you but, in his mind, the problems that exist between you are not solvable. He thinks this because you've broken up before over the same problem. Obviously, it makes no sense for him to try again when, he believes, you will end up facing the same problem and breaking upBreaking up refers to the dissolution of a romantic love relationship. Many people have a tendency to break up in order to preempt or discharge unwanted or painful feelings. For example, if you are...(Click for full definition.) all over again. His thinking makes sense except he's missing a key element.
It is possible for you both to resolve the issue that keeps backing you into a corner. I have the sense that you both have communication difficulties. When you're upset, he doesn't know how to respond to you in the way you need. If he's like most men, he doesn't have a clue on how to listen and understand your feelings. When he fails to respond in the way you need, he gets frustrated and angry over his limitations. Then he breaks ups with you because he can't stand feeling so inadequate.
This problem you have is common and easily fixed. Read my Make-Up Don't Break-Up book, which will show you how to let him know that you understand his frustration and why he doesn't see the point of trying again. Then tell him that you now understand what went wrong and that you have a plan for fixing the problem so it doesn't happen any more. That plan is reading my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), which will show you step-by-step how to listen and understand each other. Even if he doesn't read the book with you, you can still put the steps into practice and even guide him on what he needs to do to make it work with you. When you both feel heard and understood, your fighting will magically stop. You will see. My method has worked for thousands upon thousands of couples. Now it's your turn.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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