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Am I Over Reacting?
May 15, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years but known him for 7 years. We were friends at first and when I had a crush on him he was in a relationship. My crush then turned into strong feelings for him and I later on fell in love. I confessed my love for him and he did as well for me, all while he was in a relationship. His ex at the time was a horrible girlfriend, I was with him all the time and she would never be with him. They had a 4 year relationship. Fast forward they broke up and he immediately started dating me. I love him to death but I recently went through his phone and saw that he is texting her. She was asking him to come visit her new apartment, have some drinks with her and the way he answered it seem like he was telling her yes. To make matters worse she later on asked him if she was still loved and he answered of course she is. Dr. Love I was so upset. I love this man and I stopped talking to my ex and most of my male friends because I didnt want there to be any chance of conflict. I havent told him I read the texts because Im waiting to see more than get him. What should I do?
My Boyfriend is Driving Me Crazy
You’re in an awful bind because reading his texts is violating his privacy, and if you tell him that you did so the focus will be turned back onto you, and you’re wrongdoing, rather than onto him and what is going on for him.
One thing that’s clear to me is that he has a serious unfinished business and Old Scars that have not been healed. My clue is the fact that his ex was a horrible girlfriend, and yet he stayed in the relationship with her for four entire years! And, a further sign that he's in the grips of this unfinished business is the fact that he is drawn to the mistreatment, which is why he continues to have contact with her.
This means one thing and one thing only. Your boyfriend is more invested in pursuing a destructive relationship than a healthy one. The only reason why he would be drawn in this way is precisely because he’s dealing with an Old Scar from childhood. In a nutshell, people are drawn to partners who repeat the emotional traumas of childhood because: 1) we are drawn to familiar pain; and 2) we are driven to try to heal our childhood wounds. For this reason, we choose partners who emotionally resemble the parent who let us down in an effort to achieve a Happy Ending to the original wound. Because the compulsion to heal our Old Scars is so strong, a person will resist giving up on a destructive relationship or partner; giving up feels like abandoning the hope of ever healing. So we stay in destructive relationships or return to them, hoping that this time around we will finally succeed in achieving that Happy Ending. Read my archived articles on Unfinished Business and Repetition Compulsion to understand more.
The bottom line is you are in a very precarious situation. Your boyfriend is already sniffing around the barn. It won’t be long before he wants to go back so that he can, once again, replay his Old Scar and try, once again, to fix it.
Now you understand why he’s doing what he’s doing. Now the question is what can you do.
You don’t need to reveal that you read his texts. You can simply talk to him about what you sense is going on. He won’t wonder why you are suspicious because he, himself, knows what he’s been up to. He’ll just figure that you picked up a vibe from him.
So you could start by telling him that you sense he’s pulling away. Or you could you say that you have the sense that he’s still attached to his ex.
He’ll probably jump at the chance to unburden his guilty conscience.
When he admits that he does have feelings, now’s your chance to come in with a major wake-up call. Explain to him what I said about Repetition Compulsion and Unfinished Business.
Explain to him that he’s attempting to heal his unfinished business by returning to a terrible ex.
Then explain to him that he’s never going to get his Happy Ending with her because she’s as limited and/or damaged as was the parent who let him down and harmed him. This means he’s never going to get any more or any better treatment from her than he got from his parent. In fact, all he’s going to get is a repetition of the pain of the past, which will drive his wound even deeper into his psyche rather than heal it.
Encourage him to read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), which thoroughly explains the compulsion to repeat childhood trauma in an effort to heal and explains how he can use your relationship and you, his partner, to help him heal the Old Scar once and for all.
You would also do well to read the book, because I suspect you are battling an Old Scar of your own. The fact that you’re chasing after a boyfriend who isn’t there for you must be a repeat performance of what you suffered having grown up with a parent who wasn’t 100% there for you.
Read my book ASAP and you’ll both be healed sooner than you can imagine. When the healing is complete, he’ll no longer have any interest in anyone who mistreats him!
Let me hear how you do.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show