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You're on 30 Day Probation
February 4, 2002 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love,
I have been dating someone 700 km away from me for the last year. He has been alone for 10 years and I have regularly dated. I chose to tell him about my past in detail as he requested. In the past I had once cheated on someone once, and I am aware of why I did it - a type of revenge. Anyway back to this relationship, recently our relationship has come close to ending. For many months now he has been very opinionated about some of my pastimes, example: going to restaurants, visiting family- especially my mother. . . . .
I had decided that when these activities were a part of my life that I would keep them to myself - for me they are my choices and not for him to control. I have lied a few to avoid telling him about restaurant meals with friends and activities with my mother. I have been caught. Now the extreme - I am accused of cheating. He is sure that I have been cheating on him all along - saying that i am not in fact with family or friends but with someone else. I have tried everything to convince him otherwise and he refuses to be ok with me until I admit to cheating. What can I do. I work 7 days a week sometimes 70 hours and am free only in evenings mon- fri between 7-10 where I return home to call him everynight and we speak until we sleep. He still beleives that from 7-10 is when I do it.
I realize lying isn't right and it is hard for him to trust me - what do i do - wait it out. Now he says I am on 30 day probabtion but everynight its the same discussion me cheating. Or no discussion at all - he refuses to talk.
What can I do. I love him.
The problem is that you have lied yourself into a tight corner. Rather than confronting your boyfriend's controlling behavior (his trying to restrict your meals with friends or your activities with mom), you avoided calling him on his problem. In an attempt to avoid a head on collision with him, you lied about where you were and what you were doing, and now that he's found out about your having lied you have lost all credibility with him.
What's more, that collision you were trying to avoid has turned into a 50 car pile up. He is now treating you like a child who is being punished (30 day probaation as he puts it). I have to wonder why you aren't furious to be treated this way and why you are so willing to allow his problem to be deflected back onto you. True, you were wrong to have lied, but the fact is that you lied because you didn't have the guts to confront him on is problem.
His attempts to control you are a symptom of his pathological jealousy. He is terrified that you are going to cheat on him and his efforts to control you are designed to limit the likelihood that you will cheat. This is his problem and he needs to face it. He needs to understand where his fear of being cheated on comes from. He needs to link the problem back to its source--his childhood. Does he feel unworthy of love? Was he abandoned as a kid and does he therefore live in constant terror that his love object will leave him by cheating? He needs to own his issues and resolve them.
As long as you allow him to put you in the doghouse, you are protecting him from facing his own issues. I have the idea that you are going to find it very hard to confront him directly. I say this because you lied rather than confront his attempts to control you. Now you are in an even deeper ditch with him. Your only way out is to stand him down. You can start by saying that you totally own your mistake; that you shouldn't have lied, and that you understand that your having lied has aroused his doubts about your faithfulness. Then ask him if he is willing to look at his role in this problem. If he is, then help him to see that his attempts to control your actions led you to become secretive, which in turn made it look like his worst fear had come true--that you lied to hide the fact that you were cheating.
Next ask him to examine where his fear of being cheated upon comes from. If he isn't able to figure this out on his own, go together to couples therapy. Meanwhile, you need to ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship with someone who is so jealous that he needs to control your every move. You need to see how this relationship recreates your family history. You need to understand what wounds from your past you are recreating and trying to heal by being involved with someone who controls and punishes you as he does.
This is a tough situation. The only way out is for both of you to own what you gain (consciously and unconsciously) by performing the roles that you play in this relationship. Your role is the sneaky kid who ends up in the doghouse for lying; his role is the controlling, jealous, and outraged suitor who knows that he will be cheated on sooner or later. Understanding what purpose these roles serve is your first step on the path to breaking free. Let me know what happens.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show