- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Your Fiance Has You Under House Arrest
May 1, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I've been having this problem with my fiance for a while. He seems very controlling.
It all started when I began attending classes at a nearby community college. He would make rude comments about my guy friends (calling them my other boyfriends) and asking why I'm closer to them than I am to him. We've been together for 9 months and I've been out with my friends once in this time, and that was like pulling teeth. Anyone that I talk to he seems to think that I'm closer to them than I am to him.
It's even starting with his sister now. I try to tell him that it's because I never get the chance to talk to any other females that it just gushes out when I do. And we are getting married this summer and he doesn't want any of our friends and some of our family invited to the wedding. It's not that we can't afford it, it's just that he doesn't want them there.
I plan on doing this once and I want it to be memorable. I want to share it with all the people that I feel are important in my life. How should I bring this up to him without making him upset? I don't like to argue with him because it's so one-sided that I barely get a word in and I get so flustered that I completely forget what I'm arguing about and he wins.
Please help me.
Your fiance is more than controlling. He is possessive and jealous to a pathological degree. What concerns me most is that you are allowing him to take over your life. You have conceded to his jealous fits and haven't seen your friends in nine months.
What's more, he also intends to remove your friends and family from the wedding guest list . Soon he will literally lock you up so that no one can get near you, and I am not exaggerating.
Clearly this man has suffered tremendous emotional deprivation and/or abandonment in childhood. This explains why he wants you all to himself. His unconscious mind figures that coveting you will fill the tremendous emotional void inside him. The problem for him is that no matter how much he restricts your contact with others, he is still miserable because he lives in constant fear that someone is going to take you away from him and he will be abandoned all over again. This explains why he keeps you under house arrest--he hopes to minimize the risk that someone will take you away from him.
That's his problem, and it isn't going to get better by itself. What's more, he is going to get far worse after you marry. Once he knows that he'owns' you, he is going to control you even more. You need to be concerned about what you are getting yourself into. You also need to ask yourself why you want to marry someone who is literally stealing your life and freedom from you. Just as he was damaged in childhood, so were you.
It's time to figure out how this choice of partner connects to your past. Was your mother ruled by your father (meaning that this type of relationship seems normal to you)? Were you overly controlled by your parents (meaning that you are used to being treated this way)? Were you deprived of love or attention as a child, in which case you may feel loved by having such a possessive partner. I encourage you to find out how your choice of mate relates to your history. Are you recreating patterns that you observed or experienced as a child? We humans are creatures of habit, which means that familiar pain is seen as more comfortable than the discomfort of the unknown.
In addition to recreating what is familiar, we also tend to replay our childhoods in order to heal the wounds of the past. Are you, for example, hoping to transform your controlling parent? Or are you hoping to fill a void inside yourself by choosing a partner who'loves' you to the point of devouring you? Read my Advice Archives under Unfinished Business and Repetition Compulsion in order to help yourself understand why you have chosen this man. If you get nothing at all from letter, at least get that he isn't going to change.
You need to take responsibility for your choice of mate and ask yourself the hardest question of all: If he never changes, would I still want to marry him just the way he is? If your answer is no, then you have your answer.
If you find yourself still wanting to marry him because you hope that he will change (notice that your letter to me is basically asking how we can change his behavior), again realize that you are trying to 'fix' a parent who let you down or deprived you. The fantasy is that this time around you will make the controlling parent give you some room or the depriving parent love you to the point of smothering.
Become conscious of your history, your childhood wounds, the type of healing that you crave, and then make an eyes wide open decision.
Free Gift With Purchase
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show