- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Your Fiance Has You Under House Arrest
May 1, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I've been having this problem with my fiance for a while. He seems very controlling.
It all started when I began attending classes at a nearby community college. He would make rude comments about my guy friends (calling them my other boyfriends) and asking why I'm closer to them than I am to him. We've been together for 9 months and I've been out with my friends once in this time, and that was like pulling teeth. Anyone that I talk to he seems to think that I'm closer to them than I am to him.
It's even starting with his sister now. I try to tell him that it's because I never get the chance to talk to any other females that it just gushes out when I do. And we are getting married this summer and he doesn't want any of our friends and some of our family invited to the wedding. It's not that we can't afford it, it's just that he doesn't want them there.
I plan on doing this once and I want it to be memorable. I want to share it with all the people that I feel are important in my life. How should I bring this up to him without making him upset? I don't like to argue with him because it's so one-sided that I barely get a word in and I get so flustered that I completely forget what I'm arguing about and he wins.
Please help me.
Your fiance is more than controlling. He is possessive and jealous to a pathological degree. What concerns me most is that you are allowing him to take over your life. You have conceded to his jealous fits and haven't seen your friends in nine months.
What's more, he also intends to remove your friends and family from the wedding guest list . Soon he will literally lock you up so that no one can get near you, and I am not exaggerating.
Clearly this man has suffered tremendous emotional deprivation and/or abandonment in childhood. This explains why he wants you all to himself. His unconscious mind figures that coveting you will fill the tremendous emotional void inside him. The problem for him is that no matter how much he restricts your contact with others, he is still miserable because he lives in constant fear that someone is going to take you away from him and he will be abandoned all over again. This explains why he keeps you under house arrest--he hopes to minimize the risk that someone will take you away from him.
That's his problem, and it isn't going to get better by itself. What's more, he is going to get far worse after you marry. Once he knows that he'owns' you, he is going to control you even more. You need to be concerned about what you are getting yourself into. You also need to ask yourself why you want to marry someone who is literally stealing your life and freedom from you. Just as he was damaged in childhood, so were you.
It's time to figure out how this choice of partner connects to your past. Was your mother ruled by your father (meaning that this type of relationship seems normal to you)? Were you overly controlled by your parents (meaning that you are used to being treated this way)? Were you deprived of love or attention as a child, in which case you may feel loved by having such a possessive partner. I encourage you to find out how your choice of mate relates to your history. Are you recreating patterns that you observed or experienced as a child? We humans are creatures of habit, which means that familiar pain is seen as more comfortable than the discomfort of the unknown.
In addition to recreating what is familiar, we also tend to replay our childhoods in order to heal the wounds of the past. Are you, for example, hoping to transform your controlling parent? Or are you hoping to fill a void inside yourself by choosing a partner who'loves' you to the point of devouring you? Read my Advice Archives under Unfinished Business and Repetition Compulsion in order to help yourself understand why you have chosen this man. If you get nothing at all from letter, at least get that he isn't going to change.
You need to take responsibility for your choice of mate and ask yourself the hardest question of all: If he never changes, would I still want to marry him just the way he is? If your answer is no, then you have your answer.
If you find yourself still wanting to marry him because you hope that he will change (notice that your letter to me is basically asking how we can change his behavior), again realize that you are trying to 'fix' a parent who let you down or deprived you. The fantasy is that this time around you will make the controlling parent give you some room or the depriving parent love you to the point of smothering.
Become conscious of your history, your childhood wounds, the type of healing that you crave, and then make an eyes wide open decision.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
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Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
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Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
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Author, Medium, Scientist
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Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
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author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
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“Midwest Book Review”
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-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
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author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
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-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show