You are Feeling Ashamed


I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and we've been having sex for about four months. I'm on the shot so I'm not worried, that's not the problem.

The problem is that afterward I feel kind of bad or ashamed of what I just did. I don't know where it's coming from. When I told my mom she was pretty upset because I thought I might be pregnant too, so she was totally upset, but I wasn't. My best friend was also pretty angry and disappointed.

I don't know, I always think about how I should have waited, how much my mom wanted me to wait and I feel ashamed. It's like their voices come in my head and ask me to stop.

I really love my boyfriend and I don't want to feel this way because I know how much he loves me and he tells me that we won't have sex if I don't want to. I mean it's not that I don't enjoy it.

I try to make it more positive by telling myself that it is only natural and that I'm lucky enough to have a boyfriend that loves and respects me, but I can't seem to take the guilt off of me.

I want to be able to enjoy it emotionally, I hate this feeling, can you please help me?


You said that your mother thinks you should have waited to have sex. You are feeling guilty and ashamed, because you have absorbed her values. She doesn't approve, so you don't approve of your actions.

Growing up involves separating from your parents on many levels. Separation needs to happen on many levels. In your case, you need to see that your values don't match your mom's. Clearly you don't agree with your mom's sexual attitudes and you don't have to.

Part of growing up is deciding what is right for you. If having sex before marriage is right then that is your decision. If you are old enough to have sex then you have already separated from your mom.

Now you need to allow yourself to differ from her and stop attacking yourself. You might also explain to your mother that you want her to accept your choices in life even if they don't always line up with her expectations.

She needs to help you to separate and be your own person. If you can't navigate the discussion with her, go to a good family therapist. Your mom is a vital part of this process.

Separating is hard enough. She needs to help you to do this. When your mom gets with the program and endorses you, you will find it easier to endorse yourself.


Add comment

This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.

Expert Testimonials

"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."

-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."

-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School

“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”

-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming

"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"

-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012

"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."

-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe

"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."

-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host

"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."

-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show