Wondering How to Rebuild Your Relationship
October 2, 2000 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Help, my husband and I have been together since January. I found out that I was pregnant in May which was totally unexpected since my only child is almost 7
We had planned on getting married in October but ended up getting married in July due to insurance for the baby. Since then, things have been rocky. I have a tendency to run off at the mouth and he has a tendency to hold his feelings back. We have been very verbally hurtful to each other and now he wants to give up on us.
I love him truly with all of my heart and soul, but don't know how to show this no matter what and bite my tongue when things are so minimal.
I would appreciate some helpful advice so that I can salvage what we have and rebuild the relationship that made our hearts fall in love in the first place.
How to Salvage our Love
If you truly want to rebuild the relationship, then you both must vow to stop acting on your angry impulses.
What do I mean by this? I mean that when angry feelings arise, there is a strong urge to release the pressure that builds up inside. Most people act on the urge to release this pressure by saying and doing all sorts of hurtful things. While the person who is doing the dumping may feel released in the moment, there are damaging consequences of such behavior. Since our words and actions cannot be taken back, the 'dumpee' remembers what was said or done, he/she feels resentful and engages in paybacks, the fighting gets worse and worse, and the relationship falls to pieces.
So, remember, if you want to save your marriage, vow to never say or do anything that damages your partner. To hurt your partner is to hurt yourself and your relationship in the end. I know that what I propose is difficult. It is far easier to get your rocks off in the moment, but on the rocks is where your relationship will end up if you both keep allowing yourselves to act on your angry impulses.
If you aren't blowing up and saying and doing damaging things, what can you do. I my book I show couples how to transform the feelings of raw rage (that naturally arise in marriage) into communications that are constructive and get you both what you want.
You must buy my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) today and learn the proper way to communicate your feelings, thoughts, needs, etc. . Obviously, you aren't going to be able to give up the old behavior (dumping on each other) unless you have a new behavior to replace it with. My book will show you how to communicate constructively even when you feel like ringing each other 's necks
How well you handle your angry feelings will determine whether your relationship makes old bones or ends up in the boneyard. Improperly handled anger erodes love and leads to divorce. So, get to work today and be on the road to lasting love tomorrow.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show