Wondering How to Help Him Reconnect to You

I just picked up your book and within the first 30 pages read the clearest outline on the downward spiral of my marriage - and I have reads LOTS of marriage books!

We have only been married 1 1/2 years but are already in stage 3. We came from families with very different conflict styles - his avoided and mine fought it out. As soon as we hit our first conflict (on our honeymoon :-( he began to withdraw. Within a year he had begun to question why he had married me, erase all our good times, had an 'emotional' affair and now cannot even connect with any love for me.

He moved out last weekend and I am distraught. I am willing to learn your new approach to handling conflict, but my question is - how can we get there from here? What can I/we do to slow this down so that he might be able to reconnect w/ his love before it's too late?


I am afraid that you have a very tall order in front of you. The fact that your husband has already disconnected from you and shows no love for you isn't a good sign. The fact that he has already moved out is also not encouraging.

It sounds like your husband may have a borderline personality disorder. A person with this disorder can't continue to love someone with whom he is angry. When he/she becomes angry, the borderline symbolically 'kills off' the other person; at times the killing off is temporary and when the anger subsides the borderline can love the other person again. In other cases, the borderline finds it necessary to pull away for good from the person he/she is angry with.

It sounds like your husband pulled away from you after your first fight. At this point, we can try to use the repair tactics that I outline in my book. If he is a borderline, and truly killed you off, then all the best emotional first aid will do you no good. So, if you don't succeed in bringing him back, then you will know that this man is more emotionally damaged than you ever knew. Know that physical and emotional distancing is a way of escaping strong angry feelings.

If you can get him talking about his feelings, he shouldn't feel such a strong need to express his anger in nonverbal ways such as pulling away from you or physically removing himself from you. Therefore, the best repair tactic for you to employ is to get him talking about his anger. Don't forget that this doesn't come naturally to him, since his family avoided conflict discussions. He knows how to run, but he doesn't know how to talk about his anger.

You can help him to learn to talk by using the following sentence: Your moving out tells me that I must have said and done a lot of things that upset you. Promise him that you will listen and make every effort to understand his point of view. If you have been defensive in the past when he tried to tell you, then you are going to need to do whatever you must to open yourself to his feedback.

Listen, reflect back what you hear him say, understand, take responsibility for whatever it is that you did or said that upset him, but don't defend or justify yourself. You may need to have several discussions in which he bears his heart to you. Each time he tells you how he feels, thank him for his honesty. With your praise and with ongoing practice it will become easier and easier for him to talk about his negative feelings and he won't need to escape them by pulling away from you.

If you can get him talking about what you are doing or not doing right, and you can keep him talking, you will already be connecting on a much deeper level than you have ever done. Freely communicating his negative feelings, should open the door to his positive feelings, which is the best shot you have at retrieving this marriage. Let me know how you make out.

Add comment

This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.

Free Gift With Purchase

View my Bigger Game Expo talk where Jean pulled a prank that was captured on film. Send proof of purchase to webmaster@askdrlove.com to view this amazing video!

LIVE on Hay House Radio network!

Love Never Dies Radio Show
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
Tuesdays at Noon EDT on Hay House Radio
CALL IN TOLL FREE! US & Canada: 1-866-254-1579
International (rates apply): CC+ (760) 918-4300

Expert Testimonials

"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."

--Suzanne Giesemann,
Author of Messages of Hope

"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."

-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives

“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”

-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward

“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.

Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.

As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").

I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”

-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist

“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”

-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe

“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”

-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch

“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”

-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”

“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”

-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)

“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “

-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today

"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."

-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy

"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."

-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today

"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."

-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit

"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."

-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."

-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School

“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”

-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming

"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"

-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012

"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."

-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe

"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."

-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host

"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."

-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show