- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Woman Who Won't Let Go of Her Ex
September 13, 1999 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I have not found a similar problem in your archives and hope that you are willing to help me with this problem.
Three years ago my husband left me for another woman who is much younger than he is (43/23). After I found out about the affair he moved out. I tried to talk to him and save our marriage, but he was so consumed with her, he had no time for me or our marriage.
He was very cruel to me emotionally, when I would call him and tell him to please give our marriage a change, he would say hurtful things to me. She would also call me and leave me messages, such as 'You lost the battle and he's mine now'
We've been divorced 3 years now and I still love him as much as I did on our wedding day. I wonder if he thinks of me. . . and I just wish and pray he'd come back. I know that won't happen because they are living together now. Everyone kept telling me they would never last with that age difference. . . or that she would eventually leave him for someone her own age, but that has not happened. I have such a hard time accepting that he is gone and loving someone else - he was my soul mate.
Now I have met a nice guy, after dating many jerks and he cares very much for me. The problem is I can't help but compare him to my ex-husband. I want this new guy to make me feel like my husband did. And I know that is not fair. I just can't seem to open my heart to soemone new. I don't want to blow a potential good relationship, because I know there are plenty of idiots out there and a gem is hard to find.
What's wrong with me?? why can't I let go of my ex-husband? I think about him every day, occassionally I call their house just to hear his voice on the answeting machine. . I want our life/marriage back. I know that won't happen, he has moved on, why can't I?? I still feel so connected to him. And this new guy is catching on to my unwillingness to let go. Much of what my new man does irritates me becuase its not the way my husband used to do things.
What can I do to heal? What is wrong with me?
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. And, letting go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. It sounds like your husband was just right for you. In fact, he sounds like perfection personified.
Here's where my thoughts are ranging. I was wondering why you idealize him so. He did treat you miserably. In fact, the range of your feelings is so one-sided that they are lopsided. Where is the anger and the outrage? If you could find some of those negative feelings, you would find it easier to move forward.
In fact, the way you are idealizing him sounds a lot like what happens to a person whose spouse has died. Suddenly, after death, all the spouse's jerky habits, snoring, bad temper and bad breath are all forgetten. This is what you are doing. It's as though you were idolizing someone who has died. But, your ex. isn't dead. If you want to move on, your first question must be, 'What am I getting out of holding on, and even idolizing this man?' Also ask yourself, 'Why do I resist feeling angry at him?'
I would also examine the possibility that idolizing him may be a twisted form of self-protection. So long as you stay in love with your ex. you don't need to risk yourself by falling for another man. After all, the love of your life shafted you, which means that you must be scared stiff to trust another person. This idolization may provide another form of unconscious protection. As long as you love him and live in the fantasy that he may return to you, you don't have to face all the feelings that are really going on inside. There's tremendous hurt, pain, anger and fear. All these feelings will need to be felt as part of the process of letting go and moving on.
I am so sorry that you were left this way. I would like to see you talk to a therapist. Perhaps join a group. You need to build a lot of loving and safe connections, which will also help you to let go of your ex. and move forward with someone new.
Lots of love to you.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
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-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
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Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show