- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Woman Who Wants to Take Another Breather
March 12, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hello Dr. Turndorf!
First off I'd like to say thank you very much for taking the time to read this letter. It is very important to me and I'm thankful that you are here to help ppl like me with their love dilemmas. I'm a just turned 21 yr old with a question for you.
I wrote to you in November '98. 'Woman who has been betrayed'. I wrote to you personally after you answered my question with thanks and you responded. But you talk to millions of ppl so I doubt you remember! You really helped me out and now that I've come to a competely different problem at this current time in my life, I felt I had to write to you. As you helped me out so much the last time.
I have been in one serious relationship besides my current one. I was 16 and was with a total loser for 4yrs until he cheated on me with my bestfriend. I took your advice and got myself together for the year and a half after the big ordeal. I met a wonderful guy in December of '99 and we've just had our 1 yr and 2 mth anniversary.
Here's the problem. For the last couple of months on and off, I go into this confused, sad and angry state where I feel I am no longer attracted to my man. He's done a couple loser things in the year but basically has been a good boyfriend. He's very affectionate and now I'm am starting to suffocate.
Right now I feel like I no longer have any sexual attraction to him. I find myself staying up reading at night just so he'll fall asleep! I also find that we just don't mesh anyone. I've gotten to know him so well and there's not much to him.
He didn't complete high school and basically all he does is go to work and then come home and watch tv or play video games. (We've lived together for 11months) I like to read, exercise and am constantly making new goals for myself. I have done so much growing since I got out of the that bad relationship two years ago that kept me from growing.
My current bf doesn't have any goals whatsoever. Sure, he wants to marry me and have children. But I want to accomplish so much more before I do all of that. I want to travel, enroll in college and eventually go into social work. I work 2 jobs and go to night school where I am 3 courses away from getting my high school diploma.
My bf does many stupid childish things. Like driving stupid and sometimes acting just very childish. I need to know what I can do about this relationship. From what I have told you what would you suggest I do, to help me discover whether I have outgrown him. Can I make this work?
To be honest, I really want to take a break and just think about what I want. How do I do this without hurting him?? The last time I took 'a break' my fiance cheated on me! I just feel very uncontent with my life even though I have a great family, job and am living with a great guy. It's like we don't 'click' anymore.
I just want to be doing my own thing & find I've been going out a lot lately. Just hanging out with friends and talking endlessly. Am I a total loser for just not wanting someone who's so sweet?
I wish it wasn't this way, but it's the way I feel. I'm very scared but I want to be out on my own. I moved home with my parents when my last relationship ended. So I didn't really get the 'living all by myself' thing I wanted after the horrible break up.
I suppose I thought it would go away. Please help! You helped me so much once before and I don't know who else to ask! Thank you for your time. :o)
I do remember you. You have said exactly what you want: to take a break and figure out what you want in life. It sounds like you have been at this place before.
In your last relationship you also wanted to take a break; he took your breather as a rejection, and he cheated on you before you could give him the final death blow. If you reread your letter, you will see that you described your ex. as a loser. Are you aware that you are now describing your current boyfriend as a loser as well?
I wonder if you know why you keep choosing men who are beneath you in terms of education, goals, and aspirations. This is the area that you need to examine. Don't allow your unconscious mind to snow you. Your unconscious is choosing 'losers' for a reason. You need to find out what that reason is and resolve it so that you don't spend your life choosing and then taking breathers from one 'loser' after another.
To figure out why you are choosing these types of men, look to your parents' marriage. Did your mother or father feel that he/she married beneath him or herself? If so, you are recreating a familiar pattern. Becoming aware is the first step to breaking free.
Are you choosing men who are beneath you so that you can have an excuse to break-up? Are you afraid of intimacy and commitment? See my Advice Archives under fear of intimacy and fear of commitment to see if this rings true for you.
Beneath the fear of intimacy and commitment often lies deeper fears of abandonment and rejection. If you notice, you seem to be the one who does the rejecting. Is it possible that your unconscious mind is arranging to reject before you get rejected?
I have given you a lot to think about. When you understand the reason why your mind is creating this pattern of choosing men who are beneath you, you will be on the road to resolving the issue.
Focus on the big picture (understanding your pattern) and the answer to your questions (should you take a break, break-up all together, stay alone for a while, etc. ) will fall into place.
I was very glad to hear from you again. Let me know you how you make out.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show