- Dr. Love in the Media
Woman Who Wants to Take Another Breather
March 12, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hello Dr. Turndorf!
First off I'd like to say thank you very much for taking the time to read this letter. It is very important to me and I'm thankful that you are here to help ppl like me with their love dilemmas. I'm a just turned 21 yr old with a question for you.
I wrote to you in November '98. 'Woman who has been betrayed'. I wrote to you personally after you answered my question with thanks and you responded. But you talk to millions of ppl so I doubt you remember! You really helped me out and now that I've come to a competely different problem at this current time in my life, I felt I had to write to you. As you helped me out so much the last time.
I have been in one serious relationship besides my current one. I was 16 and was with a total loser for 4yrs until he cheated on me with my bestfriend. I took your advice and got myself together for the year and a half after the big ordeal. I met a wonderful guy in December of '99 and we've just had our 1 yr and 2 mth anniversary.
Here's the problem. For the last couple of months on and off, I go into this confused, sad and angry state where I feel I am no longer attracted to my man. He's done a couple loser things in the year but basically has been a good boyfriend. He's very affectionate and now I'm am starting to suffocate.
Right now I feel like I no longer have any sexual attraction to him. I find myself staying up reading at night just so he'll fall asleep! I also find that we just don't mesh anyone. I've gotten to know him so well and there's not much to him.
He didn't complete high school and basically all he does is go to work and then come home and watch tv or play video games. (We've lived together for 11months) I like to read, exercise and am constantly making new goals for myself. I have done so much growing since I got out of the that bad relationship two years ago that kept me from growing.
My current bf doesn't have any goals whatsoever. Sure, he wants to marry me and have children. But I want to accomplish so much more before I do all of that. I want to travel, enroll in college and eventually go into social work. I work 2 jobs and go to night school where I am 3 courses away from getting my high school diploma.
My bf does many stupid childish things. Like driving stupid and sometimes acting just very childish. I need to know what I can do about this relationship. From what I have told you what would you suggest I do, to help me discover whether I have outgrown him. Can I make this work?
To be honest, I really want to take a break and just think about what I want. How do I do this without hurting him?? The last time I took 'a break' my fiance cheated on me! I just feel very uncontent with my life even though I have a great family, job and am living with a great guy. It's like we don't 'click' anymore.
I just want to be doing my own thing & find I've been going out a lot lately. Just hanging out with friends and talking endlessly. Am I a total loser for just not wanting someone who's so sweet?
I wish it wasn't this way, but it's the way I feel. I'm very scared but I want to be out on my own. I moved home with my parents when my last relationship ended. So I didn't really get the 'living all by myself' thing I wanted after the horrible break up.
I suppose I thought it would go away. Please help! You helped me so much once before and I don't know who else to ask! Thank you for your time. :o)
I do remember you. You have said exactly what you want: to take a break and figure out what you want in life. It sounds like you have been at this place before.
In your last relationship you also wanted to take a break; he took your breather as a rejection, and he cheated on you before you could give him the final death blow. If you reread your letter, you will see that you described your ex. as a loser. Are you aware that you are now describing your current boyfriend as a loser as well?
I wonder if you know why you keep choosing men who are beneath you in terms of education, goals, and aspirations. This is the area that you need to examine. Don't allow your unconscious mind to snow you. Your unconscious is choosing 'losers' for a reason. You need to find out what that reason is and resolve it so that you don't spend your life choosing and then taking breathers from one 'loser' after another.
To figure out why you are choosing these types of men, look to your parents' marriage. Did your mother or father feel that he/she married beneath him or herself? If so, you are recreating a familiar pattern. Becoming aware is the first step to breaking free.
Are you choosing men who are beneath you so that you can have an excuse to break-up? Are you afraid of intimacy and commitment? See my Advice Archives under fear of intimacy and fear of commitment to see if this rings true for you.
Beneath the fear of intimacy and commitment often lies deeper fears of abandonment and rejection. If you notice, you seem to be the one who does the rejecting. Is it possible that your unconscious mind is arranging to reject before you get rejected?
I have given you a lot to think about. When you understand the reason why your mind is creating this pattern of choosing men who are beneath you, you will be on the road to resolving the issue.
Focus on the big picture (understanding your pattern) and the answer to your questions (should you take a break, break-up all together, stay alone for a while, etc. ) will fall into place.
I was very glad to hear from you again. Let me know you how you make out.
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