- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Woman Who Can't Stop Thinking About Her Boyfriend's Ex
October 18, 1999 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love, I'm a college sophomore, 19 years and have been with my current boyfriend for almost a year. Things have been fine up until about a month ago. Up until this point, I had never dated anyone, never kissed, never had strong feelings of affection or love for anyone.
So 'Tom' is my first everything (including sex a couple months ago). Tom, however, had a 2-year romance (a sexual one as well) with a girl in high school. I cannot get over this. You'd think after a year, I would realize that this boy loves me so much. I know he does, and I know he cares nothing for his high school ex (who he broke up with as soon as he got to college) but somehow I just can't stop thinking about her.
I think of what they went through, where they went on their dates, what they said to each other, how they felt about each other, their first sexual talks/experiences. It doesn't help that I don't know what its like to have an ex.
Also, I am very self-critical and hard on myself sometimes, and it has never been so much of a problem than when I started having a boyfriend. I can't accept that I'm 'pretty' and 'wonderful.' Most of the time I do accept it, but sometimes it's very hard for me, cause I see myself in totally different view.
I do see a pyschologist every couple months when I need too, due to other stuff, but I can't seem to shake these two conflicts! I have told him about this and he knows how I feel. . . He also hates his past, hates the fact that he wasted his life and virginity with the high school ex, but if you could tell me a way to deal with both these issues, i would appreciate so much. Thank you.
I understand your feelings of torment. Your obsession over your boyfriend's ex. is breaking your connection with your boyfriend. Before you can free yourself of this obsession, you must first understand what purpose it serves.
To achieve that understanding ask yourself, 'What feelings do I have when I think about my boyfriend's relationship with his ex.?' Do you feel rejected (like he loved someone more than you)?; insecure (worried that you won't measure up to his ex.)?; fearful of rejection ( that he will find someone better than you)?.
Find out exactly how you do feel when you think about his ex. Then ask yourself, 'What do I gain by obsessing over his ex.?' Realize that while you consciously hate doing this obsessing, the fact that your unconscious mind continues to do it means that on an unconscious level gains are being realized.
So, ask yourself, 'What do I gain by obsessing over his ex.? Do I feel more and more inadequate about myself? Do I feel unloved?'
I notice that you don't feel very loveable. You speak about not believing it when your boyfriend tells you that you are attractive, etc. . You are also self-critical. How does your self-criticalness relate relate to your history? Did you feel put down by your parent(s)? Did they tell you that you weren't good enough?
Realize that no human being comes out of the womb putting him or herself down. You learned to put yourself down from someone. The question is, who taught you to loathe yourself? Did your mom put you down in words or actions? Did your dad?
Then study how your having been criticized as a child relates to your current obsession. Does your unconscious mind hang on to the obsession about his ex. as a way of continuing to put yourself down? (I won't measure up to his ex. . She was a better lover?) Is is possible that obsessing about his love for his ex. enables you to continue living with the familiar feelings of self-loathing and self-doubt?
We are all creatures of habit, you know. I must also point out that this obsession boils down to your feeling wounded by his love for another. A love triangle, if you will. Never mind the fact that the ex. is no longer in the picture.
The fact is that, in your mind, she still is very much alive. The fact that he loved another still haunts you to such a point that he might as well still be with this other woman.
If you ask yourself how this 'triangle' relates to your history, you will probably become aware of having felt second classed or brushed aside by a parent (probably dad) who loved someone else (your mom?) more than you.
Whenever we find ourselves in the grips of a feeling that we can't shake, it is sure that we are grappling with unfinished business from childhood. The obsession is a way of coming back to an core issue in the hope of finally healing the wound.
So, identify your early wound (dad neglected you and paid all his attention to your mom?). Then figure out what treatment you hoped for from the parent who let you down? Did you need to be told that you were daddy's number one girl? Did you need more attention?
When you identify what you needed from the parent that let you down, then you will know what emotional medicine you need to free yourself from this obsession. I don't think that you are going to work all this through on your own.
Seeing your psychologist infrequently to talk about 'surface' issues will not help to solve this deep-seated material. Irecommend that you get weekly help, ideally with a modernpsychoanalyst.
My best to you. As long as you view this obsession as asymptom of a deeper issue, and you work to uncover and resolve the realissue, you will be fine.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
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-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
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Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show