- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Woman With Commitment Phobia
June 12, 2000 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I am a 23yr old female with serious committment issues. . . is that a contradiction or what?
Anyway, I have never had a serious relationship (2mths max) I know I have pretty high standards for the kind of guy I'm looking for and now I'm wondering if I'm overlooking the obvious Mr. Right.
I recently met a very nice guy (30yrs old) we have a lot of similar interests, he is very giving, but in the 3wks that I've known him, he's mentioned marriage (I'm sure jokingly) 7 times. I told him point blank that I had a fear of commitment. He is also very smothering, always wanting to hold or touch me (continuosly) when we are together.
I think he's insecure a bit, I think he was used in some of his previous relationships. My delimma is I told him I needed some space right now, I've already kind of ruled him out but am wondering if I really should?
I should mention that I have fended for myself since I was 14 and am very independent and rely souly on myself. He wants to be so involved in my personal issues. . even though we've only known each other for a brief time.
I just don't want to overlook someone just b/c he doesn't match every thing on my 'list'. I'm confused, and unsure. . but know that I can't help my feelings. I can say that there are some things annoying about him, but am I being to hard? I also am fearfull of being with someone who will hold me back in life, and just want to have kids and call it good, but I don't want to be a hermit for the rest of my life either.
thanks for any help. . . . if there is help possible for me! :o)
I know that you consciously think that you are afraid to commit because you haven't found a man who corresponds to your wish list.
I got news for you. No man or woman can ever be as perfect as our wish lists. What's more, your unconscious mind is snowing you into believing that you are avoiding commitment because you haven't found a guy who matches your list.
In reality, your mind is using this list as an excuse to keep you single: since no man will ever perfectly match your list, you will always have an excuse to stay uncommitted. What we need to do is forget the list and find out why you are so afraid of commitment.
You gave me a big clue as to why you are afraid. You said you've been on your own since you were fourteen. I can only guess at what caused you to go on your own. Whatever were your reasons, they must have had something to do with your being deeply discontent with the way you were being treated at home.
If you were mistreated or abused by your parents, it is no surprise that you would be afraid to get close to someone else. If you can't trust your parents, how can you trust someone who isn't even a blood relative! Having been hurt and striking out on your own, has taught you to push away the dependent, weak, vulnerable side of yourself.
I can understand why you would have wanted to turn off that side of yourself. Trusting others, I mean your parents, got you hurt big time. If you were to allow yourself to commit to someone else, you would have to reopen the vulnerable, dependent side of yourself. I am sure that you are less than eager to do this.
The only hope for you is to establish a really solid therapeutic relationship. This is a dry run for real life, and a chance for you to learn to be vulnerable and dependent in a controlled way.
Believe it or not, lying on the analytic couch would actually help you do this healing. You see, when you lie down, your mind is more able to allow you to feel small, and dependent on the analyst who sits behind you, symbolically holding you like a child. If you can allow yourself to experience this type of dependency, in this controlled setting, you can, little by little, work through the hurts of the past and learn to trust someone for the first time.
This is a hard problem to heal. It takes guts and patience, and the help a therapist who you can truly connect with. Remember, theories and interpretations about why you ended up in this bind aren't going to heal you. You need a real-life, hands on relationship in which you can actually experience and talk about all the fears that come up when you actually allow yourself to get close to another person.
The best person to do this with is a well-trained modern psychoanalyst. If you want, I'll help you find someone in your area.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
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-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
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Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
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Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
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-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
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-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show