- Dr. Love in the Media
Wife Whose Husband is Forcing Anal Sex on Her
March 6, 2000 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
my spouse and i are having a problem. He wants anal sex and i don't.
i have tried it with him several times and have found it hurts to much i have tried to explain this to him but he doesn't care he still wants it. i have also tried to tell him that it makes me feel degraded and i don't do anything but cry while it's happening but he won't listen.
what should i do?
You are being victimized.
I can tell you all kinds of words or phrasesfor saying no, but the real issue is that you are in a relationship inwhich you are being abused. You need to find out: why you have married(or stay with) such a person; how his violation of you recreatesrelationships in your first family.
Either your parents ran over yourfeelings or you watched one of your parents running over the other.Realize that people who have been victimized in childhood tend torecreate the pattern of vicitimization in adulthood.
I am not sayingthat you are responsible for his mistreatment of you, but you areresponsible for allowing it to continue. What are you doing to allowinghim to mistreat you?
First, you are condoning his behavior. How? Youallow him to perform oral sex on you and you cry all the while. This ispassive, victimized behavior. You aren't supposed to allow anyone totreat you in a way that feels harmful.
You need to be in individualtherapy, working on why you don't feel entitled or able to put yourfoot down and refuse him the anal sex. Realize that recreating pastabuse is very common. It's all you know (we are creatures of habit) andit gives you a chance to release the old feelings of victimization wayback when.
Only one problem. Instead of feeling released, you are beingvictimized all over again. You also should be in marital therapy. Heneeds to find out why he behaves in such inconsiderate ways and heneeds to learn how to take your feelings into account.
I know that youdon't have a voice in your head that tells you, 'No one may mistreat meever again.' Abused people need to acquire that voice. Borrow mine inthe meanwhile. There is much to be done.
Start therapy today.
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