- Dr. Love's Appearances
Wife Whose Husband is Forcing Anal Sex on Her
March 6, 2000 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
my spouse and i are having a problem. He wants anal sex and i don't.
i have tried it with him several times and have found it hurts to much i have tried to explain this to him but he doesn't care he still wants it. i have also tried to tell him that it makes me feel degraded and i don't do anything but cry while it's happening but he won't listen.
what should i do?
You are being victimized.
I can tell you all kinds of words or phrasesfor saying no, but the real issue is that you are in a relationship inwhich you are being abused. You need to find out: why you have married(or stay with) such a person; how his violation of you recreatesrelationships in your first family.
Either your parents ran over yourfeelings or you watched one of your parents running over the other.Realize that people who have been victimized in childhood tend torecreate the pattern of vicitimization in adulthood.
I am not sayingthat you are responsible for his mistreatment of you, but you areresponsible for allowing it to continue. What are you doing to allowinghim to mistreat you?
First, you are condoning his behavior. How? Youallow him to perform oral sex on you and you cry all the while. This ispassive, victimized behavior. You aren't supposed to allow anyone totreat you in a way that feels harmful.
You need to be in individualtherapy, working on why you don't feel entitled or able to put yourfoot down and refuse him the anal sex. Realize that recreating pastabuse is very common. It's all you know (we are creatures of habit) andit gives you a chance to release the old feelings of victimization wayback when.
Only one problem. Instead of feeling released, you are beingvictimized all over again. You also should be in marital therapy. Heneeds to find out why he behaves in such inconsiderate ways and heneeds to learn how to take your feelings into account.
I know that youdon't have a voice in your head that tells you, 'No one may mistreat meever again.' Abused people need to acquire that voice. Borrow mine inthe meanwhile. There is much to be done.
Start therapy today.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show