- Work with Dr. Turndorf
What Can You Do to Help an Anger Junkie?
November 12, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I have been with my girlfriend for over 6 months. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride. The problem is that she needs to get couseling for anger problems. She went from being abused as a child both sexually and physically, not to mention being abused from her two past realtionships. Since I met her I have told that I am the best thing that could have happened to her. Her two kids love me like a father, also she is expecting my child.
Things have been rocky from the start, but things just got bad ever since she got pregnant about 7 weeks ago. Her anger has gotten out of control to the point that she is now verbally abusing me. She tells me things that really hurt. I love her more than anything in this world. I worry about her and my unborn child. At this point we are separated and have been for 3 weeks now with no communication as of today.
I give her an ultimatium in which I regret now, but I can't continue living with someone who is always hurting me. I have tried numerous times to get her the help she needs but she tell me that I am the one who needs help and not her. I know she is still mad at me and probably hates me for all the wrong reasons. At this time I am severly hurting for her, my child and the kids involved.
All I want is to have a nice happy family. I don't want my child to grow up in a broken home. I miss her and want her back so much but not without getting help. I gave her everything a women could possibly want in life yet that wasn't good enough. I treated her with respect, lots of love and most of all treated her like she should have always been treated. Please help me. I don't want to lose her or her kids for the way she is acting. Everyone in her family is taking it hard except her.
Why is she like that? What is her problem? What can I do for her to help? Thank you for your advice.
You've heard the saying, 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. . . ' The same holds true for people. You can't make your girlfriend get help. She has to be willing to admit her problem and get help. Why isn't she willing to face the truth about herself? This is because beneath the enraged and tough exterior is a very fragile person. Because it takes strength to admit a weakness, a weak person is unable to admit that he/she has a problem. This explains why she points the finger at you: she is too emotionally brittle to point the finger at herself and would literally crumble under the self-attack.
The problem that you are facing (on top of her out-of-control behavior) is that no relationship can endure, let alone thrive, unless both partners are willing to look at themselves and take responsibility for being part of the problem. Until she is willing to look at herself, you are nowhere. This being said, you can nudge her in a nonthreatening way in the right direction. The rest is up to her.
How to nudge her? The next time she says, 'It's all your fault. ' You can say to her, 'I am obviously saying or doing something to infuriate you. Please tell me what that is.' With this question, you are modeling for her a healthier way of communicating when she's angry. If she gets out of control and starts to abuse you, you then set the limit by saying, 'I am willing to listen to what I said or did and how that made you feel, but I won't allow you to verbally assault me (name calling, character insults). If you won't stop, I will leave until you are willing to speak to me in a constructive way. ' You might also try confronting her on her behavior. To do this you might say, 'Obviously someone verbally abused you when you were growing up which makes you think that this behavior is permitted. What you don't know is that they didn't have the right to abuse you, and you don't have the right to abuse me. ' You might also ask her, 'How did you feel when you were verbally abused? Is that how you want me to feel. . . so that I know how much you suffered?
Since she is so fragile, you stand a better chance of getting her to go with you into couples therapy rather than individual treatment. A good couples therapist should be able to address her issues in this forum. If she isn't able to work within these parameters, then you are dealing with a lost cause, I am sorry to say. I hope it doesn't come to that.
Free Gift With Purchase
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show