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We Need to Get Past This
December 23, 2002 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love,
My husband and I have been married for 9 months now. We have going through a lot of adjustments just as all newly wed couples do. However, it seems that we are just not stopping the constant arguing. Of course over the most rediculous things.
But it seems to almost always turn into an arguments filled with insults. Now, I have come to the point where I cannot stand to hear these painful insults anymore. These things he says to me, although he says he does not mean them, are not going away. I just keep thinking, does he really think this way of me. It makes me very depressed and I know it shows. I even feel like he isn't attracted to me and doesn't like me, because of the things he has said.
I have asked him to stop, and it isn't . His temper and anger seem to be getting worse. I absolutely know he loves me very much. I just don't know how to make it stop. Walking away doesn't help, fighting back doesn't help.
He does feel horrible when he has these outbursts of insults. And he makes sure I know how much he loves me, and takes back everything he says, but isn't there some truth to words we say in anger.
I know he is an absolutely wonderful person, we just need to get past this and move on. But how?
The Fights are Getting Worse
First thing to do is read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). You can buy it right here on the site and download it immediately. The program I outline in the book has helped over 90% of all married, unmarried, and gay couples who use it stop fighting and create a loving connection. Before you say another word to each other, read the book!
The problem here is that you are both locked into what I call Open Warfare Fight Traps. You both must agree that name-calling and insults are not allowed from this day forth. If you can't say something constructive, then shut up and walk away. Don't discuss any of your hot topics until you learn how to properly transform your raw rage into communications that are assertive, not damaging.
My book will show you exactly how to do this. At first it will seem strange to plan out what you are going to say before speaking, but this censorship is necessary for two people who act on impulse, shooting first and thinking later.
Remember, relationships are like rubber bands. They can only be stretched so far until they eventually snap. We all know there’s no way to repair a rubber band once it’s snapped. So commit to my program and your fights will be thing of the past.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show