- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Want to Walk Away But Can't
May 17, 1999 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love,
My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me last week. The thing is, he told me he loves me yet he is also in love with another girl. Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?
I am deeply hurt because I love him too much. Two weeks ago, everything was smooth and just like what we were when we were starting out so you can imagine how devastated I am. I asked him why is he telling me this and what does he want by doing so.
He told me he wanted space, to think things out. He wants to make sure that it is I that he is really in love with before he comes back to me (if he does come back ) and I'm scared that he won't. He has kept me hanging over like this although he said not to give hope on that yet he follows that sentence with words that tell me that he still has love for me.
He told me he won't replace me with any other woman. How could this be when he has already broken up with me? I have asked him back several times, told him that if marriages with affairs could still make it through, we can do this. but he won't. he told me he needed the space. But I kept thinking what about me?
I'm left hanging and i don't know whether to hope or to let go anymore. My friends tell me to let go. I know I should and it's killing me. I don't know how to let go and don't know if I should when he makes me feel there's still hope. How can I walk away want to walk away but can't?
You are in a terrible bind. I hear how much you love this man and I also hear that you are afraid to give up him up. You are reluctant to end it with him since you are holding out hope that he will take you back.
Here's the problem as I see it. He is calling all the shots, meanwhile, you are on hold. Allowing him to place you on hold puts him in the driver's seat and you in the back seat. I have to wonder why you are willing to take such a passive position.
You are permitting him to control you, your life and your future.
At this point, I think you need to understand why you want to hold on to someone who is treating you like dirt. He has cheated on you and then lied to you by not revealing that he had another involvement with someone that he has fallen in love with. And, all the while that he was involved with her he pretended that nothing was wrong with your relationship. Why would you want to stick with someone who has treated you so badly?
I think that your inability to let him go is a clue that you are dealing with unfinished business from childhood. People who were emotionally or physically abused children tend to stick with partners who mistreat them. Every abused child harbors the fantasy that if only he or she were more patient, or more kind, or more forgiving (or whatever) that this goodness will be rewarded with love.
In adulthood, this fantasy is played out when a person puts up with all kinds of garbage hoping to win the love and approval of his or her lover. The hope being that if the lover (or spouse's) love can be won, the original trauma with mom or dad will be healed. It sounds like this is exactly what you are up to.
You have already offered to forgive him, take him back, you are even willing to wait around for him to choose--talk about patience and forgiveness. In the end, all that this tolerance will earn you is more abuse. The man can't possibly respect you for the way you are allowing him to treat you. And, since love is made up of respect, you are shooting yourself in the foot by putting yourself at his mercy.
Read through my Advice Archives under unfinished business and repetition compulsion to understand why you can't let him go (because you are hoping to heal a childhood wound through this relationship).
Next, I think you need to get a plan. Whatever plan you choose, you need to put yourself back in the driver's seat. I know you are afraid to take a stand and lose him. But, what makes you think that acting like a doormat will help you keep him?
As I see it, you have basically three choices. Dump him now (which you can't do). Play it safe and ask him how long he needs to decide and then give him that amount of time, no more. Or, put yourself back in the driver's seat.
Instead of being patient and forgiving, and waiting around for him to decide whether you are going to be taken back, you tell him that you haven't decided whether you want him in your life. Make him convince you why you should keep him!
He lied and deceived you and how can he convince you that he would be faithful in the future?
He should be convincing you that you should take him back, not the other way around. I have given you a new way of looking at the issue. I hope it helps.
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"Each of our weekly training classes is teaching me how to observe, share thoughts, feelings, and why’s and seeing the magic unfold During our weekend LND Coaches Retreat it was amazing and renewing to be in the presence of great love, safety, connection, curiosity, and learning! THANK YOU Jamie - for enabling these significant experiences and lessons to unfold for me. In this environment I uncovered an unknown and unresolved rage about past hurts and loss. Through Dr. Jamie’s guidance and the support of my coaching colleagues I was able to surface, acknowledge, and release a hurt that had been buried for 15 years. In this community of safety, love, and acceptance I am growing and loving exponentially as a person and coach. Through this Coach Training process the people in my life are also benefitting in ways I could have never imagined or described.
Thanks for being a powerful source of love and fun in my life!!!
With love and gratitude - "
"I came to Jamie's home in Millbrook to meet other coaches. Driving on the beautiful fall colored zigzag road that leads to her home, it felt like entering heaven. Once we got to her home, looking to her property, you can feel the peace around her 1000 acres property. We were greeted by few cows and her beautiful silver shimmering lake.
As we continued our training, we did few dialogues with our loved ones. It was so touching to see us trainers breaking in tears of pain and joy and healing. One thing I took away from that journey, was to live a new life every day. Our loved ones are reunited with source, without the barriers that they had on earth.
By dialoging to them, we are reunited with them, they can send us love, peaceful healing energy if we allow then to. Everyday can be an opportunity to heal one layer of pain or remove a challenge in your life with their help.
I will never forget this trip. "
"So very much of what makes an experience more rich for me is the energy and presence of the individuals participating. From the moment I turned on to Jamie's property and knew I was driving just behind Paula, I was so excited to just park my car and meet her in person. We both got out of our cars and just fell into a big hug... we all did this. Upon meeting, we were just drawn together into one family hug with Jamie and Jean as our "parents"! It's as if we were all hugging each other the entire weekend.
Being in each other's presence just magnified what we were able to do and expanded the healings that we all could and did bring to each other. I have always felt "open" to the universe and it's energies, but now I can tell that the opening is going to be even larger than I ever could have imagined. I feel so powerful after being with Jamie and these beautiful, amazing women. Every moment , every word, every gesture, every experience of the retreat was born out of love.
The deep sense of connection and peace that I felt and still feel should last me a lifetime. Because love has no beginning and no end. Love IS....... Be still and know that LOVE IS. (I think Jean wanted me to write that...) "
Love and light,
"What a magical weekend. What a beautiful group of women, openness and exquisite love we experienced. I am so in love with this work, what it means, feels like and your incredible presence.
I truly am privileged to have you [and Jean] SO CLOSE to me in this life.
During our brief encounter, we have encountered on a journey that has been nothing short of miraculous. You inspired me to life and love I always wanted and now I believe-in, believe it to be becoming mine. After having lived so much trauma, you saw Me. You had heard me, deeper and clearer than anyone, you validated me and held my hand in that. Sure and strong. Pulling me gently up and out of a point in life that did not have a pulse.
I want to walk my own life alongside you, be a conduit of this work and more. Continue to witness and celebrate LOVE, in all its' forms and unfolding. Sharing, contributing into love's enchanting ripple in the world, create magic and love in this life, why I know I was born.....
I love you."
"I have to confess that I was a little apprehensive and was not sure what to expect for the live weekend coaches training. When I encountered was an amazing forging of bonds between familiar souls in unrecognized physical bodies. I have extreme respect for everyone in the coaching program. I enjoyed my time deeply, and felt that it was a very valuable experience. It has definitely shifted my focus from learning so that I could enhance my abilities for myself, to learning so that I can continue to pay this message forward.
I am ever grateful for the opportunity to come to the weekend training and luckily for me it was during fall foliage. We experienced many breakthroughs, including embracing our anger and our feelings. The lessons that we take away from each training meeting are invaluable. When I can step back and take a look from the outside of our meetings, I can always apply something to my life and current situation. I am continually learning from each weekly training encounter we have.
Thank you! "
"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show