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Want to Walk Away But Can't
May 17, 1999 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love,
My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me last week. The thing is, he told me he loves me yet he is also in love with another girl. Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?
I am deeply hurt because I love him too much. Two weeks ago, everything was smooth and just like what we were when we were starting out so you can imagine how devastated I am. I asked him why is he telling me this and what does he want by doing so.
He told me he wanted space, to think things out. He wants to make sure that it is I that he is really in love with before he comes back to me (if he does come back ) and I'm scared that he won't. He has kept me hanging over like this although he said not to give hope on that yet he follows that sentence with words that tell me that he still has love for me.
He told me he won't replace me with any other woman. How could this be when he has already broken up with me? I have asked him back several times, told him that if marriages with affairs could still make it through, we can do this. but he won't. he told me he needed the space. But I kept thinking what about me?
I'm left hanging and i don't know whether to hope or to let go anymore. My friends tell me to let go. I know I should and it's killing me. I don't know how to let go and don't know if I should when he makes me feel there's still hope. How can I walk away want to walk away but can't?
You are in a terrible bind. I hear how much you love this man and I also hear that you are afraid to give up him up. You are reluctant to end it with him since you are holding out hope that he will take you back.
Here's the problem as I see it. He is calling all the shots, meanwhile, you are on hold. Allowing him to place you on hold puts him in the driver's seat and you in the back seat. I have to wonder why you are willing to take such a passive position.
You are permitting him to control you, your life and your future.
At this point, I think you need to understand why you want to hold on to someone who is treating you like dirt. He has cheated on you and then lied to you by not revealing that he had another involvement with someone that he has fallen in love with. And, all the while that he was involved with her he pretended that nothing was wrong with your relationship. Why would you want to stick with someone who has treated you so badly?
I think that your inability to let him go is a clue that you are dealing with unfinished business from childhood. People who were emotionally or physically abused children tend to stick with partners who mistreat them. Every abused child harbors the fantasy that if only he or she were more patient, or more kind, or more forgiving (or whatever) that this goodness will be rewarded with love.
In adulthood, this fantasy is played out when a person puts up with all kinds of garbage hoping to win the love and approval of his or her lover. The hope being that if the lover (or spouse's) love can be won, the original trauma with mom or dad will be healed. It sounds like this is exactly what you are up to.
You have already offered to forgive him, take him back, you are even willing to wait around for him to choose--talk about patience and forgiveness. In the end, all that this tolerance will earn you is more abuse. The man can't possibly respect you for the way you are allowing him to treat you. And, since love is made up of respect, you are shooting yourself in the foot by putting yourself at his mercy.
Read through my Advice Archives under unfinished business and repetition compulsion to understand why you can't let him go (because you are hoping to heal a childhood wound through this relationship).
Next, I think you need to get a plan. Whatever plan you choose, you need to put yourself back in the driver's seat. I know you are afraid to take a stand and lose him. But, what makes you think that acting like a doormat will help you keep him?
As I see it, you have basically three choices. Dump him now (which you can't do). Play it safe and ask him how long he needs to decide and then give him that amount of time, no more. Or, put yourself back in the driver's seat.
Instead of being patient and forgiving, and waiting around for him to decide whether you are going to be taken back, you tell him that you haven't decided whether you want him in your life. Make him convince you why you should keep him!
He lied and deceived you and how can he convince you that he would be faithful in the future?
He should be convincing you that you should take him back, not the other way around. I have given you a new way of looking at the issue. I hope it helps.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
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So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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