- Work with Dr. Turndorf
April 5, 1999 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and we have both verbaly abused each other from time to time it seems more often than not
I'm 26 and he's 30 and we are tryin to break up but were still very in love but hurt at the same time. What can we do to forgive the hurt feelings and move on? We do want to be together, but we can't forgive the hurt words.
I hear that you fear that there is too much water (and harsh words) under the bridge for you to stay together. I also hear that, on another level, you both can't let go of each other.
So basically you are in conflict.
I don't think you should make such an important decision in haste. Each of you needs to take time to talk about what makes you want to stay and what makes you want to go. You both love each other, that's clear. And, I think that you both know that you were brought together to help each other learn an essential lession: that it is necessary to behave properly even when you are angry.
I know you both feel hurt and unable to forgive and forget. Nobody says that you have to be untrue to your feelings. But, I am quite sure that you both could learn to let the past go, under one very important condition: you both must commit to stop adding insult to injury. If unkind words are ever said again, the old wounds will be ripped open again and neither of you will ever heal.
In other words, in order to stay in this relationship, you both must promise to never, ever say anything damaging to each other again. If you stick to your word, the old wounds will begin to heal. If you have decided to commit to this plan, then I wilI show you how to stop the verbal abuse.
First, you must recognize the thoughts and feelings that precede the verbal abuse. Each of you must identify your hot spots ( what sets you off) and you must come to recognize the warning signals before you go off. A warning might be a physical sensation, such as a feeling of eruption in the chest or the stomach.
You each need to get in touch with what your warning signals are. Then once you know what they are, you must make the committment that whenever a warning sign appears that will stop and prevent yourselves from acting or speaking.
At that moment you are to say to yourself, 'I am not permitted to say or do anything damaging to him or her. Hurting him or her is hurting myself. The rule of thumb is if you can't say something that would be helpful and constructive, then walk away. And, don't come back until you can behave and speak properly.
If you both have the same goal at heart, which you do, then you can help each other to achieve it. You both know that you need to grow in this area. Realize that if you break up, and move on to new partners, you will still need to do this growth work anyway.
Since you love each other, why not help each other achieve this vital goal? This type of work is not easy to accomplish alone. Usually it needs to be done in a couple's therapy setting.
If you decide to work in couple's therapy, make sure that you choose a therapist that doesn't follow the cathartic model (letting it all rip). That would be death for you both.
So, commit to doing the work. No need to break up now. You can always break up later, which I don't think you will need to do if you just do the work.
"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D.,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show