- Dr. Love's Appearances
- Love Library
Ten Ways to Head off a Fight
July 31, 2003
Top Ten Tips
- If you are on the receiving end of your mate's anger, resist the temptation to become defensive. If necessary, just shut up.
- Speak only to ask your mate to explain what you did that was upsetting and how it made him or her feel when you did it.
- Listen to the other person's point of view.
- Repeat back what your mate has told you.
- Ask if what you have repeated back accurately reflects what upset your mate.
- Repeat until your mate indicates that you have understood his or her point of view.
- Usually just understanding is sufficient to head off the storm. But if it is not, say the following: "You still seem upset, what can I say that would make you feel better?"
- If you are feeling attacked and criticized, say the following: "I know what I did was wrong, but it would really help for you to tell me what I can do differently in the future."
- Try to get your mate to reword the complaints or criticisms into positive suggestions for the future. For example: When mate says, "You never take me on dates anymore." You say: "I think you would like me to take you out on a date, more often, is that right?"
- Keep on practicing. It gets easier and easier to follow the above steps.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show