Should You Give it TIme to See How Things Turn Out
June 9, 2003 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I had been in a serious relationship with a man for six years. We have a two year old girl together. For the past three years we had been living with my parents.
Two months ago he left. A couple of weeks later he moved in with another woman and her two kids. When I ask him about it he says that it's weird, and that we should just give it time to see how things turn out.
Now he's not coming to see his daughter (it's been two weeks). He moved out just when we were financially able to buy our first home. He's always had a tendency to run from his problems.
Should I give him time and hope he figures his life out, or forget him? When he moved in with this woman he alienated himself from everyone that he cared about, including his own family.
Time never heals anything. If you accept his suggestion that you 'give it time to see how things turn out,' then you are agreeing to become his pawn. He is asking you to sit on the sidelines and wait for him.
Putting yourself in such a passive and dependent situation isn't healthy. You need to act on your environment. Decide what you want; what your bottom line is and then let him know.
If you want to focus on his running from his problems, then demand that he go to couples therapy with you. If he refuses to do couples therapy, than you need to lay down the law and tell him that he needs to see his daughter each week. Tell him that the damage he will do to her by abandoning her will be unrepairable.
I would guess that your husband was abandoned himself. I would force him to remember how much he suffered and tell him that he has a chance to heal his wound by giving to your daughter what he lacked as a kid.
It sounds like this guy runs from success and intimacy. Just when you were able to buy your first home and be a family, he runs away and abandons you and your child. I am so sorry for you.
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