- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Should You Cut Your Losses
May 19, 2003 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I had been seeing my ex-girlfriend for 3 years (she is now 19 and I'm 23) before we split up. We had a great relationship and we had a lot of fun and plenty of affection but there was always one issue that got between us - University.
I always worried that when she went to university, which was local luckily, she would lose interest in me and we'd fizzle out. We didn't have any problem expressing our love for each other and we both knew how each other felt.
Shortly before the start of her first semester I started to have problems with a colleague in work which manifested itself into depression/stress which I quickly sought help from my doctor and occupational health nurse. It was clear that recovery would be slow and my girlfriend was aware of this. Until Christmas I was unsure of the issues at the root of my problem, until they subsided over my Christmas break.
When I discovered that the heart of the problem was work I quickly changed jobs but on the day I was offered my new job my girlfriend decided to split up with me. I pleaded with her to give me a chance to recover and she agreed providing she had some space.
Things got better after this for a while apart from a growing tendency to spend most of her time with her university friends rather than me. Now we have split up (apparently for good) - she says she doesn't love me anymore and it isn't working - but I know that when she is stressed with exams at the moment) she acts irrationally and can make bad decisions but. . . . . .
Until University, everything was great. . . Her mum says that it is down to her age rather than any fault of mine. . . . . I appreciate she needs more space so she can enjoy university. . . I know that she is stressed out. . . . She says she doesn't love me yet she worked herself up to the point of vomiting because she was worried about hurting me when she split with me. . . .
I know that I haven't been easy to deal with due to my depression etc but thing have been so much better lately. We are a good couple usually and I don't see why it has to end here.
Can you shed some light on the matter? I love her so so much and don't want to let it lie, despite the current situation. Should I cut my losses and continue to mourn or wait a while and give her room?
I wish a had a crystal ball that permitted me to see into your girlfriend's soul. You say that she makes irrational decisions when she's under pressure. In other words, she's impulsive and goes into action in order to discharge her emotional pressure.
What I don't know is whether she comes to her senses when she calms down and then tries to retract what she's done. If so, there is a chance that she would return to you. However, you would be vulnerable to being dumped again and again each time she becomes upset.
I would point this pattern out to her and tell her that problems arise in all relationships. If she ends it with you and starts up with another man, then what? Is she going to break up with him when the going gets rough?
Tell her that she's headed for no lasting relationship. Encourage her to look at the fact that your relationship was by and large good and not worth trashing because of a short rough patch. If she is willing to see the light and get help for her impulse disorder then you have a good shot at making the relationship work.
If she isn't interested in hearing you and taking what you say to heart, then you will be left with no choice but to mourn and move on. I hope this doesn't turn out to be the case for your sake.
You sound bright, emotionally tuned in and generally wonderful.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
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-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
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Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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Host, The Matt Townsend Show