- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Should I Marry?
December 13, 1999 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dr. Love, I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 10 years. We currently live together with my college roommate and her husband of 2 years.
My boyfriend is a very bad communicator. He has a hard time expressing his feelings about anything. Often times I'm the one who makes all the decisions in the relationship. Where to live, what car to buy, where to go on vacation. He is very un-opinionated.
However, he never gets mad at me for a wrong decision. THE PROBLEM: We we're suppose to get married this last Sept. but didn't. I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum last year to propose or leave.
He proposed, however I know he really doesn't want to get married. He doesn't think that his commitment to me will be stronger just because he signs a piece of paper.
Knowing that he really doesn't want to get married has casted doubt in my mind whether or not I want to marry him. You see, if he doesn't marry me he'll probably never marry.
I on the other hand am sure that I will find someone who I want to marry and who also wants to marry me. As of now we have no alternate wedding date. Things are just in limbo.
What's the point of continuing this relationship if we have no goals/desire to ever marry. He thinks that things can just continue the way they are. He is completely happy and content with the relationship. I am not.
What should I do? PLEASE HELP
I think you have answered your own question. How can you marry someone when you aren't happy with the relationship?
You have two issues: The first is his passivity. He never takes charge of anything, and instead allows you to run the show. And, second, he is reluctant to marry, which fits his overall way of approaching life: he doesn't take charge and lets life happen to him.
This entire relationship feels like you are trying to push a bolder up a hill. The man seems to have no spine, no drive, no umf (is umf a word?). We know what his problem is. Now, we need to figure out yours.
Why were you drawn to such a passive man? And, what kept you hanging in?
If you study your family of origin, you will probably find that you grew up watching one passive parent being run by the other dominant one. If this is so, you unconsciously chose this guy hoping to replay the pattern and get it right. Getting it right would mean that the passive partner would take charge and become more equal.
You actually did try to force this ending to your script by commanding him to ask you to marry him. He did, but you knew deep down that even the marriage idea was yours.
So, here you are taking charge and running the show again. When you figure out what piece of your childhood is being replayed here, you will understand why you chose this man and why you find it hard to walk away.
I think you keep hoping that he's going to get a spine. If and when he does, you will feel that your original trauma is healed. Kind of like, he loved me enough to take charge and fight for me.
But, is this likely to happen with this guy?
The only way he is going to change is to do intensive character therapy to work-through why he doesn't engage in life, take a stand and go for it, including going for you, hook line and sinker. Would he get help? And, do you want to wait?
Be aware of one danger here. If you are truly locked in an unconscious repetition of a traumatic pattern from childhood, you may find him unappealing if he does become more of a take charge person. Likewise, if you break up with him and try to find another kind of man, you may find a more dominant man unappealing.
This is because we are often drawn to the screwed up types who will play out the worst parts of our past with us. A take charge, dominant man won't play the part of a passive man who you have to push around and command.
So, be clear. Would you really be ready for the man who will take charge? Are you sure?
If you aren't ready for this type of guy, then breaking up will hardly solve your problem. So, focus on you. Figure out what you are replaying from your past. Figure out what happy ending you are seeking. And, take a hard look at yourself: are you really ready to give up the struggle?
The fact that you have hung in with this man for so long indicates that you may not actually be ready for a different type of relationship. I hope I have clarified your impasse, and guided you into the areas in which you need to be thinking and growing.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
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-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
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Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
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author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
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-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
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-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
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author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show