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She's Thinking of Waiting Until the Honeymoon
March 14, 2005 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I have some issues with my girlfriend that I am clueless about what to do. This is her 1st real relationship and she has been with one guy before me only. They had sex only a few times. Now we have been together for over 9 months and we are really serious about our relationship and the future. Now we have been sexually active for about 7 months.
Anyways, she was always a little church girl and she believed in waiting until marriage and all that stuff and doing it on the honeymoon. She has been telling me this since we met that she will never forgive herself for doing it the 1st time with this other guy and she would do anything to change that.
So lately she has been feeling guilty about not waiting until our honeymoon and last night she even started crying. We had a long conversation and she asked me how would I feel if we would stop having sex until our honeymoon.
At first I thought she was joking but was I wrong. She is serious. She asked if I would be OK with it and would I support her. Also she said I fulfill her life with joy and happiness but there is that one empty spot that she misses God and going to church and forgiving herself for what she did before.
She asked me to support her with all this but I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this and what to do about it, and what I am supposed to do? Do you have any ideas or anything.
I've talked to many of my friends they all told me I was on my own on this one they have no idea. So if you could please give me some ideas that would be great.
I understand your bewilderment. What you're dealing with is a girl who was raised with a strict religious background, and whose conscience is now haunting her for having premarital sex. You don't share her religious values, so it's got to be hard for you to understand what she's going through.
As I explain in my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) values are nonnegotiable. They make up the core of an individual and can't be changed or modified. So, what we have here is a value conflict between her strict religious values and your more liberal values. Since values can't be changed, you can't expect her to modify her views any more than you can be expected to modify yours.
So the real question becomes how can you both coexist together, given your differing values. You need to ask yourselves what accommodation can we arrive at that respects her wish to wait and also respects your bottom line--no pun intended--that is your wish to get laid.
If I were you, I would talk with her and tell her that you do respect her values and ask her to come up with ideas for how you can meet your sexual needs while respecting her wish to wait. Would she find it acceptable if she were to pleasure you in non-intercourse ways by giving you oral or manual sex? Would she be willing to hold you while you pleasure yourself, so that you can maintain a physical connection while not having her engage in an act that she isn't comfortable performing? Would she be all right with hugging and necking while naked, so long as intercourse was off the program? Talk until you find an acceptable compromise for you both.
As for her missing God and church, I wonder why she isn't worshipping anymore. Is the fact that she feels guilty over having had premarital sex keeping her from returning to her church? If this is so, then I think that going back to church and obtaining absolution (or forgiveness or whatever her particular religion calls it) would help her to be less ravaged by guilt.
I am sure that you both can come up with a solution that respects her wish to wait as well as your wish to continue having an active sex life. Keep in mind that your different religious values may also give you problems after you're married. Make sure that you both agree on how you both will worship after marriage, and how you will raise your children when it comes to religion and religious education.
Don't pull the wool over your eyes on this score. You don't want to wait until after you're married to find out, God forbid, that you can't come up with a plan that 's acceptable to you both. I'm sure this won't be the case, but we want to make sure.
I want to hear how you both resolve this issue.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
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-- Mira Kelley,
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Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
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Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
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Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
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-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Syndicated Radio Host
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