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She's Pregnant with Your Kid
January 26, 2004 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I been going out with a girl for 5 years off and on. She's a about a month pregnant with my kid. for the last couple months she been acting like a complete bitch. I try to talk to her about it but she don't want to listen.
Also i'm going to iraq for 8 months. I get this funny feeling that i want to leave her, but she's pregnant with my kid. It's weird she completly changed. We hardly ever talk on the phone anymore. She recently lost some close relatives. To make things worse she lives in Hawaii and i'm stationed in California.
I know its my kid because she came down to visit me for a month and thats around the time she got pregnant. I don't know what to do.
Can you please give me some advice.
I hear how fed up you are with your girlfriend's behavior. The last thing you want to do is act upon your annoyance by dumping her. There's a baby involved and that child needs a mother and father.
Obviously having both of his/her parents together would be ideal for your child, so it would be good to give this relationship every chance of survival. I urge you to not bail out so fast. You can always end the relationship down the line if there is no other choice.
Meanwhile, I'd like to help you approach your girlfriend in a way that I believe will bring you closer together. The first step in that direction, is for you to understand her better. My sense is that your girlfriend is depressed and hormonally imbalanced due to her pregnancy. Depression and hormone imbalances often cause irritability. You need to see that your girlfriend is ill.
I also think that you guys are caught in a vicious cycle. The more you try to tell her that she's behaving like a bitch, the more hurt and insulted she gets, and, you guessed it, the bitchier she becomes. You try to tell her that she's acting like a bitch, but she isn't hearing what you're saying because the way you are talking to her is getting her back up.
When she feels attacked and criticised, she shuts down and refuses to hear you. To break this cycle you need to approach her in a different way. Approach her from a loving place and with the intention of bringing the two of you together.
Think about saying only things that you know will be helpful to her and to your relationship. I bet that the words you choose will sound very different from the words you've been using so far.
If you speak from this angle you would sound like this:'I know that you've been having a rough time lately, having lost so many relatives and dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. I don't really know exactly how you are feeling and I want to understand. . .'
If you can get her to open up and tell you how she's feeling, reflect back what you hear her say so that she knows that really are listening and understanding her. When she feels truly heard and understood by you, she will feel emotionally fed, which is a potent anti-depressant. Then when she is feeling held by you, she will be more receptive to your own presentation of what is bothering you.
Before you tell her what's upsetting you about her behavior, ask her if she is ready to hear how you are feeling. When she says yes, then use my X, Y Formula. Start out with the Disclaimer (the positive support statement that lets her know that you're on her side, then state your problem using my X, Y Formula, which consists of describing what she is doing or saying and how you feel about it. Finish by adding your Suggestion for the Future.
A few points to keep in mind: Since your girlfriend seems fragile, avoid using the word 'you' when you present your problem. In other words, instead of saying, I am upset when YOU act bitchy toward me. . . you would reword the sentence so that the word YOU isn't used at all. For example, you might say, 'I feel upset when I am yelled at. . .'
Let's put the Disclaimer, X, Y Formula and Suggestion for the Future together and see how it might sound. You would say: You know how much I care for you (or you know how much I want to be with you or whatever other positive statement you can make that is true to your feelings) but when I am snapped at I feel angry and like running away. In the future, rather than snapping, I would feel so much closer to you if you would simply tell me exactly what I am doing to get under your skin and what I could do that would feel better.
If you notice, the above formula provides her with a model for properly communicating her discontent to you, so that she doesn't need to resort to bitchy outbursts. If you both master the above formula and put it into practice your relationship will soar.
Believe me, I've helped so many other couples like you, with divorce pens in hand, restore the love they thought was long lost. You can rekindle the connection with her. The key to doing so is to properly handle your negative feelings and to communicate them in a way that brings you closer together not farther apart.
I encourage you to read my book, which will go into far greater detail on how to transform negative feelings into relationship supportive communications. After you've put my plan into practice, let me know how you make out.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
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-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
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Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show