She Gets Worried When it Comes to Having Sex
July 9, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Me and my wife recently went through a divorce. Since then she came to me and wanted to try it again.
Things have never been better but when it comes to sex she gets worried and wont do it with me just yet. How can I make her come around sooner. Its been 3 months now and I want to share all of her.
If you read over your letter, you will see that the entire focus is on getting your wife to come around--in other words to change her behavior so that she gives in to sex. But, her behavior won\'t change until you understand and resolve the thoughts and feelings that are causing her behavior (avoiding sex).
So, get it out of your head (I mean your big head) that it your purpose is to get her come around sexually.
Yes that it our ultimate goal and we will get there eventually. But, the way to get there is by not expecting her behavior to change, stop pressuring her and start trying to understand the thoughts and feelings that have her frozen. I can give you some clues. She is scared stiff to open up and be hurt. To open up sexually is to deepen her level of connection with you, and she is afraid to do that until she is sure that the relationship is going to make it. Avoiding sex keeps her in a protective shell.
So, start by understanding that she\'s afraid of being hurt. You are both in the honeymoon phase now. The relationship is new, but she is well-aware that all the problems that existed in the relationship before will emerge again. Talk about all the things that made the relationship disintegrate the first time around, and make sure that you both have a plan regarding how you are going to deal with these problems this time around.
The key is, she needs to know that when the road gets rocky that you both will be able to handle the bumps without breaking up. Each of you needs to look honestly at yourselves and answer the question: what did I do to contribute to the disintegration of the relationship and what can I do to build the connection. When your wife sees that you are taking an active role in examining yourself and making commitments to change whatever behaviors you engaged in that damaged the relationship, she will come to trust you.
And, when a woman feels safe and trusting you know what comes next? She does!
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show