- Work with Dr. Turndorf
She is Friendly with Her Ex and You're Not Liking it
December 4, 2006 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Turndorf,
I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and five months. Recently we've been having problems.
I found out that her ex-boyfriend that she only went out with for three months in the past had called her at her job to talk to her again or whatever his intensions are. But my girlfriend gave him her cell number. She is the type of person that thinks that talking to any guy from her past is ok.
She never loved her ex. I am her first love, so she considers her ex-boyfriend as a friend, so she says.
But it bothers me. I don't like her talking to him. She tells me he only calls her once every two weeks or so. She sees nothing wrong with it but I think is not right to be talking to her ex even if it is just for friendship. It does not bother me she talks to guys but only if I know them and I know there will be nothing between them.
She tells me I'm wrong. She says she loves me and only me and other people won't come between me and her. I feel like if she cheated on me because I had to find out for myself that she was talking to him. She told me 'I did not tell you because I knew you were going to get mad.'
So am I wrong for not liking the way she thinks. I think I'm right that I got mad about it. I almost ended the relationship because I felt so betrayed. I need someone else's point of view. So can you please help me.
And another question. I have been my girl's first sexual partner and she was mine too. I want to marry her and she wants to marry me but I'm afraid that if I do get married to her, she would start wondering how it would be if she have had sex with other men.
She does not complain about our sex life she says is great and she would like to keep me forever and that I satisfy her in every way. So I'm just hoping you can help me with my problems.
Thank you for your time.
I understand that you are feeling threatened. You say that you would be comfortable if your girlfriend were friendly with men that you know, but you aren't comfortable with her being friendly with an ex-boyfriend.
Frankly, I don't think you would be comfortable if your girlfriend was friends with any guy. In fact, I think that you will always worry about her leaving you for another man. Why? Look at your question to me. At the end of your letter, you mention the additional fear that she will wonder what it's like to have sex with other men. Obviously this fear of yours is yet another manifestation of your deeper fear that you're going to be left.
In other words, your current struggle is just a smokescreen for the deeper issue, your fear of being dumped. I promise you, even if you could convince your girl to stop being friendly with her ex, you would soon find yourself worrying over some other word or action that she engages in. I promise you that your worry will continue until you identify the real cause of your fear. The kind of fear that you have can only be caused by emotional injury that you suffered early in life.
I know that somebody left you when you were young. Because your wound is unhealed it resurfaces in your present relationship in a couple of ways.
First, your mind confuses your girlfriend with the person who left you and this makes you feel afraid that she will also leave you. Your unconscious mind has brought your wound to life because of the desperate wish to heal. Replaying the wound is the only way that the mind knows how to heal itself.
Unfortunately, replaying the wound with your girlfriend is not only not going to heal you it could actually make your predictions come true. If you're too jealous, accusatory, or possessive, she will keep secrets from you (remember she said that she didn't tell you about her ex because she knew how you'd react). When you become upset over the secrets, she keeps more secrets. You will become even more threatened and worried, she'll become even more secretive and you will find yourselves in a vicious cycle that will ruin your relationship.
The only way out is to heal your wound. Until you do you will never be able to have a wonderful relationship with your girlfriend and soon to be wife. To begin healing your wound, put yourself in a state of relaxation. Breathe deeply and close your eyes. Now think back and see the face of the person who left you. See yourself back then. See where you are, the room; see what you're wearing.
Now focus on how you're feeling. Scared? Hurt? Angry? Next I want you to have a conversation with the person who left. Tell him or her exactly how you feel about his/her leaving. Have a dialogue. Hear what he/she says back and then you respond. Let him/her understand you. Let yourself understand him/her. Realize that this discussion will need to be ongoing. Eventually you will work through your feelings and make peace.
When you have worked through all the feelings about having been left when you were young, you will able to leave the past in the past. You will then be able to see your girlfriend for who she is--a woman who loves you and wants only you.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show