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Scarlett vs. Hussein

Dr. Love:

Here's my dilemma: my beau is from the middle east, and I am from the southern part of the United States (should I even go on???!!!) As you probably can figure, we are as culturally different as two people can be, but we do share some common threads. However, sometimes I wonder if he's being a jerk, or if he's just being an Arab.

For example: He is a very hard working, sometimes putting in 12-13 hour days. We rarely get to see one another, but when he gets a day free during the week, he chooses to spend it with his brother, (fair enough). When I say the day, I mean he is with him until wee hours of night, not coming home until around 1:00am.

On Saturday nights, he has a standing date with the boys at a local night club (I am not invited). Occassionally, he works in a Sunday ' just for me. ' What is the deal, or is it obvious? Help! My Southern charm isn't working on this one!!

Sincerely,
Scarlett vs. Hussein

Answer: 

Frankly, Scarlett, it doesn't sound like he gives a damn. Why does it matter what is the reason behind his ignoring you--cultural, jerkitis, workaholism or intimacy phobia. Bottom line, he's not meeting your needs, who cares why. If this man doesn't want to be responsive to your needs, no amount of charming is going to change that.

I am correct in assuming that, in addition to attempting to charm him into paying more attention to you, you have also directly communicated to him that your needs aren't being met. If you have stated what you need, and he hasn't modified his behavior, then what is he telling you? My question for you is this. Why would you want to give one second of your time to someone who is so unresponsive to you? What is the appeal, Scarlett?

Many women get caught up in the struggle of trying to make an unavailable man come around. Is that your gig? Whenever a woman finds herself caught in that net, she is usually playing out an older struggle with an unavailable father. The unconscious fantasy: if I can get my distant lover to come around, I will feel that my absent father finally loves me. Whenever I hear a woman chasing a man who is distant, I always suspect that the unfinished business I mentioned above is fueling the chase.

I don't know if this scenario fits for you. If this is so, you could end up ditching Hussein and wind up with another lover noose around your neck. So, realize that self-inquiry is needed as insurance from falling into another scenario like the one you're in. Lots of luck. You sound really cute and deserving of a man that devotes himself to your happiness.

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