- Love Club
Scarlett vs. Hussein
October 13, 1997 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Here's my dilemma: my beau is from the middle east, and I am from the southern part of the United States (should I even go on???!!!) As you probably can figure, we are as culturally different as two people can be, but we do share some common threads. However, sometimes I wonder if he's being a jerk, or if he's just being an Arab.
For example: He is a very hard working, sometimes putting in 12-13 hour days. We rarely get to see one another, but when he gets a day free during the week, he chooses to spend it with his brother, (fair enough). When I say the day, I mean he is with him until wee hours of night, not coming home until around 1:00am.
On Saturday nights, he has a standing date with the boys at a local night club (I am not invited). Occassionally, he works in a Sunday ' just for me. ' What is the deal, or is it obvious? Help! My Southern charm isn't working on this one!!
Scarlett vs. Hussein
Frankly, Scarlett, it doesn't sound like he gives a damn. Why does it matter what is the reason behind his ignoring you--cultural, jerkitis, workaholism or intimacy phobia. Bottom line, he's not meeting your needs, who cares why. If this man doesn't want to be responsive to your needs, no amount of charming is going to change that.
I am correct in assuming that, in addition to attempting to charm him into paying more attention to you, you have also directly communicated to him that your needs aren't being met. If you have stated what you need, and he hasn't modified his behavior, then what is he telling you? My question for you is this. Why would you want to give one second of your time to someone who is so unresponsive to you? What is the appeal, Scarlett?
Many women get caught up in the struggle of trying to make an unavailable man come around. Is that your gig? Whenever a woman finds herself caught in that net, she is usually playing out an older struggle with an unavailable father. The unconscious fantasy: if I can get my distant lover to come around, I will feel that my absent father finally loves me. Whenever I hear a woman chasing a man who is distant, I always suspect that the unfinished business I mentioned above is fueling the chase.
I don't know if this scenario fits for you. If this is so, you could end up ditching Hussein and wind up with another lover noose around your neck. So, realize that self-inquiry is needed as insurance from falling into another scenario like the one you're in. Lots of luck. You sound really cute and deserving of a man that devotes himself to your happiness.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show