A Saddened Individual
October 13, 2003 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love
I had the opportunity of receiving an anwser from you about a year ago, so if someone needs you more than I, I understand. You see Doc. my life seems so meaningless lately. I hate going to work, and college, but most of all most everyone doesn't like me. The problem is everyone thinks I'm gay and all the teens in town call me that even if I drive by.
The truth is, I'm very much straight. I love girls more than anyone, but because I don't like to fight and I don't hang out with the guys than everyone labels me. Actually, I'm really fasinated by this girl named Leslie, but it's almost like she doesn't even try to let me get close to her. She is so beautiful, smart, and has the most witty, yet, charming personality.
The reason I'm so miserable is because I fear people, I'm always afraid they're going to try to hurt me. Not all people, just teenage males and mean old redneck men.
I went to the doctor and she increased my paxil but I believe that this is something medicine or theorpy can't help, I just need a true friend with real advice. Like you Dr. Love.
Well anyways, if you can help me it would really be appreciated.
A sadened Individual
I'm sorry you're sad. It sounds like you don't fit in where you are. I imagine you doing better in a big city, where there are lots of people of all kinds. It sounds like you are in a small town that's comprised of narrow minded rednecks and teenage guys who are terribly afraid of their own homosexual tendencies.
These men tease you because you are threatening to them. You are sensitive and experience all your feelings and this tells me that you are sure of your own sexuality. You are strong, stronger than you realize. The guys who tease you are too weak to allow themselves to open up to their sensitive sides; to them sensitivity is synonymous with being gay.
Your sensitivity arouses their own soft side and scares the hell out of them. They push away their feelings by attacking you. You remind me of a patient of mine who was a born artist. He was sensitive and gentle and didn't fit into his family, his school or his neighborhood. Somehow he managed to appreciate that side of himself and this saved him from feeling like a freak.
You, unfortunately, haven't been so lucky. You don't feel good about yourself and you are sending out vibes that others pick up. People read your vibes and this is what is causing them to tease you and avoid contact with you.
Here's how you can get out of this vicious cycle. First, believe me when I tell you that you are just fine just the way you are. From now on, instead of attacking yourself and putting yourself down, get in touch with your anger and mentally redirect it at the people who attack you. Consciously direct the bad thought away from your ego and onto someone else by saying to yourself, 'They are homophobic idiots. . .'
As you start to redirect the anger away from yourself, your depression will lift and so will your self esteem. You also need to surround yourself with people who love you. Find new friends. There are other sensitive men out there who can relate to you and appreciate you. There are also lots of females who are looking for a guy just like you.
You also should join a group therapy. In therapy you will establish relationships with people who love you just the way you are. These relationships will change how you feel about yourself and, like magic, the vibes you send out will change as well. As you feel better about yourself, you will be amazed to see how you draw people into your life who treat you well and don't tease you.
The plan I outlined above has worked for all of my patients and it will work for you too. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.
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