- Work with Dr. Turndorf
July 26, 2004 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I have been involved in a very emotionally unhealthy relationship with my husband for 10 years, married for 4. Five months ago, he had a fight with my mother and I went numb inside and our whole relationship fell apart. We now have lawyers and a meeting set up to separate.
During the past 5 months of not talking to me, but livivng in the same house with him being emotionally abusive to me, I have had a lot of time to look at myself and I see that I might have created a lot of problems. I also had a substance abuse problem that I blamed on him. I told myself that I did it because I couldn't handle the fighting.
Now, the meeting is 4 days away and I have had considerable doubts about whether I want my marriage to be over. We come from two totally different worlds and dysfunctional families and have serious communication problems, but he is a good man with a good heart who my family thinks isn't good enough for me. I have allowed their opinions and my own issues to sway me in my decision to separate.
The problem is that now that the end is near, I was completely honest with him and told him that I wanted to make a full commitment to him and go to marriage counseling once a week and try to make it work. We have spent the last 3 days having intimate conversations about the issues in our relatioship, but he is being the mature one. He's saying he doesn't think he can go through me saying I want a divorce again.
But, what's confusing me is that he keeps hugging me and kissing me and wants to fool around, at the same time knowing that he is going to sit in a lawyers office and end our relationship. The passion is still there, but I feel like all he wants is sex, although it hasn't happened. I know he loves me, but now he suggested that I let him buy me out of the house and then I live here for a couple more months and we try to work it out. Then, if that doesn't work, the legal stuff is done and I can just leave.
I want an equal partnership and I don't want another man. I just want to stop the fighting and control issues. I want to call the meeting off and find a marriage counselor and slowly build back trust- but all he seems to care about is being physical with me.
I don't know what to do, should I try to make this work or should I let him buy me out and just date him. I feel our problems are when we are living together every day, getting along. When we dated everything was fine, we just became too dependent on each other.
I really need some advice here because I've realized I have low self-esteem, lots of insecurities and I was way too needy with him.
But, I love him and I want to make it work. What do you think?
Your question is should you concede to your husband 's wishes that you formalize the separation and let him buy you out and then date each other. Clearly this isn't what you want, which is to stay married and work it out.
What we need to do is work on resolving your husband 's resistance to working on your relationship WHILE remaining a married couple. He says he wants to continue your relationship; but at the same time he wants to formalize the separation so that the paperwork will be in place if and when your relationship fails.
His plan seems motivated by a wish to protect himself from his worst fear, which is a terror of investing once again in you and the marriage and then hearing you say some time down the line that you want a divorce. What he's really saying is that he's afraid to let his guard down and be rejected by you. By separating and signing all the papers, he seems to think that he will be protecting himself from being hurt by your saying you want to end it, since he will have symbolically ended it himself already by signing the papers.
I have the idea that you have threatened him with divorce many times during moments of anger. In order for him to risk opening up to you again and giving the marriage a real shot, he needs a guarantee from you that you won't threaten him with divorce in a moment of rage.
In order to promise him that you won't do this ever again, you need to learn how to communicate your angry feelings in the correct way, rather than threatening him with divorce. My book is a good way for you to learn how to communicate your anger properly.
Tell him that you will commit to resolving the problem I mentioned above. Then see if you can convince him to give you a stay of execution long enough for you to have some couples sessions. In the couples sessions, have him talk about what you have done that makes him afraid to connect to you and what you can do to make him feel more willing to connect. You will also have the opportunity to do the same with him.
Agree to put the decision about whether or not you will proceed with the lawyers on hold until you both see clearer into what part you both played in the dissolution of the relationship as well as see whether you both are able to make the needed shifts to make it work. Then and only then can you make an informed decision about whether or not to proceed with separation.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show