July 28, 2010 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I am 41, she is 43.
We had an incredible romanceRomance is defined as ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love. Keeping romance alive is an ongoing process. The best way to maintain or rekindle romance is to discover each...(Click for full definition.) for the first six months. Soon after, anything that involved her parents took precedence; holidays, anniversaries and special plans consistently got canceled.
My anger got the best of me; her stubborness did. I also put up walls, preventing effective communication due to being so hurt. That said, we had fun together and were quite close.
Bottom line, I can get by anything and everything in a relationship. She cannot. We are no longer together.
The connectivity we had even towards the end was second to none, during the four year we were actually together.
I cannot get over this very beautiful, wonderful lady off my mind. I would settle for losing out to parents on holidays and the like, just to be with her.
She says no shot. So, any shot or do I move on? The latter is easier said than done...
You sound like a wonderful man. Your level of devotion to the woman you love and your willingness to hang and keep trying to work at the relationship is rare and commendable.
You have asked me if you have any shot with her despite the fact that she said there is no chance. If you're asking me I'm wondering if you don't believe her when she says there is no chance. Knowing her as you, perhaps you've experienced her saying no when she means yes at other points in your life together?
If you believe you may be not telling you the truth, then you could ask her if she is saying no to protect herself from further hurt, when her heart really wants to say yes. You might also tell her that you can't forgot her or stop loving her and that you would do anything to work it out.
This being said, there is one thing that you do need to work on and resolve within yourself. This is your habit of taking your partner's choices personally and feeling hurt as a result. I am referring specifically to her need to put her family first. If you understand that EVERYTHING people do comes out their own internal conflict and unresolved issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. and wounds, you will no longer take things so personally. I guarantee you that her need to put her family first had zero to do with you. If I had to guess, I would say that she has issues relating to not having felt fully loved or perhaps she was emotionally or physically rejected outright when she was young. If I am right, the wounded child inside her will try to be a good girl, never say no to their invitations, in an unconscious attempt to win their love and fix the old wound. As you can see, this pattern has nothing to do with you or how much she loves you.
The problem between you two was the collision of both of your inner children. Your inner child is also sensitive to rejection and you felt terribly hurt and abandoned by her loyalty to her family, which awakened your own unhealed wounds.
In my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), I explain that all relationship conflict can be traced back to the unhealed and often unrecognized wound of childhood. In the book, I spend a good deal of time helping you uncover the wounds that you both suffer and guiding you on how to heal them within the relationship. I recommend you read the book now. You can download an e-version right now and get started on your healing!
If she knows that you are aware of the fact that your own wounds played a key role in your reaction to her, and that you are working on healing yourself, you just may have that shot with her.
Please let me know how you make out. You are lovely and you deserve all the love in the world.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
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