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Please Help I'm Depressed
March 28, 2005 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I met this guy who works at the bank. He is the one who helped me. He was very nice and I liked him. After that he started phoning me. We talked and he told me he liked me and he would really like to know me. I liked him too. He asked to see me. I refused at first, cause I did not know him and did not know his intentions.
At last we talked for a few minutes and he was a gentlemen. After that we sent each other IMs, but I sent them more than he did and I also phoned him almost every day cause I missed him so much. Hearing his voice and that he was all right made me very happy.
In a way I told him I would like more than friendship from him, but he said he was not ready to be in a relationship. When we talked again he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship cause he has some things to sort out first. I understood that. but I was hurt cause I had fallen in love with him and I am still am. It won't be anytime soon for him to involve himself in a relationship.
He said if I meet someone else I must tell him and I also asked him to do the same. After one or two weeks he told me he has met someone else. I was heartbroken and still am. I cried but I told myself it will pass just like everything else, but it hasn't.
I am in love with him and he knows. Why did he do this to me or is it just me who expected too much too soon. I would do anything to have him in my life cause now. I can't even phone him cause he told me not to anymore.
I am so sorry to hear how you were treated. This man pursued you initially and then when you reciprocated his interest, he ran for the hills, saying that he wasn't ready for involvement. Then a couple of weeks later he told you that he was involved with someone else. This was very hurtful.
Here's what I think happened. This man was frightened of intimacy, and as long as you were hesitant to get close to him, he felt safe to pursue you; but as soon as you showed interest, his terror of intimacy reared its ugly head, he got cold feet and hit the ground running.
You said that you may have expected too much too soon. I think that you are correct in that the degree to which you missed him and the way you called him every day must have been terrifying for a guy who is afraid of intimacy.
It sounds like we're dealing with an intimacy phobic. I don't believe for a minute that he became involved with someone else so quickly. I think that he made this story up in order to insure that you would stop pursuing him and so that he could return to his solitary little life.
I'm sorry that you were hurt. Next time around, ask a lot more questions to make sure that you are dealing with someone who is, in fact, ready for a relationship. My online consultation 'Critical Questions to Ask Before Getting Close' is a good tool for you to use in order to assess a person's relationship readiness before you become involved.
Take care of yourself.
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