- Dr. Love in the Media
Oral Sex War
May 29, 2000 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
My boyfriend and I have lived together for about 18 months
-- for probably the first year sex was great and was spontaneous and just worked. Then He started making demands - certain position, certain times, even to the point that he would get angry if I didn't want to have oral sex. Not me giving him oral sex but him having oral sex with me.
To tell you the truth, it didn't feel good. When I tried to show him how or explain that this certain way would feel better he would become irritated. It was like I was attacking his manhood. So as a result I stopped trying to show him and on occasion suffered through him doing it pretending I liked it just to avoid an arguement. Then, of course, that didn't work so I would refuse his invitation for oral sex
Am I wrong in thinking that it is my body and if I choose not to have him perform oral sex that it should be okay.
He says I am putting limitations on our sex in general when I do that. Bear in mind that he could have sex every day and now sex in general has become a burden not a pleasure.
Really don't know how to solve this problem and get our sex life back to what it use to be. I feel like the more we scrutinize and talk about it, it is like we are ruining a good thing. Kind of like if it isn't broke don't fix it.
Oral sex has become your bone, or should I say 'boner, 'of contention. Jokes aside, you both are locked in a vicious power struggle, which is leaving you both frustrated and furious. You feel controlled by him, since he won't accept any input from you on his oral sex technique. The result is that you have turned off to sex with him. He, in turn, feels deprived of sex and controlled by you, since you won't give him sex when he desires it.
In order to resolve this issue, you both need to have an open discussion in which you take turns listening and understanding each other 's feelings. Realize that the argument that you are having isn't only about oral sex (that 's the overt struggle). On a deeper, emotional level, you are arguing about not feeling loved and cared for. He feels unloved that you are refusing his advances, and you feel unloved that he is unresponsive to your tastes and preferences
Your greatest challenge with this guy is that his ego is fragile. I know this because you said he felt wounded (that you were challenging his manhood) when you made suggestions about his oral sex technique.
When you turned off to him sexually, he felt doubly wounded, so we are dealing with a really wounded puppy now. In order to talk about this issue, and ultimately resolve it, we need to make sure that his ego is protected. If he feels wounded by the discussion I propose, he will become defensive all over again and he won't stick around long enough to understand why you are holding him off sexually.
Here's how to conduct a discussion that should keep his ego intact long enough to take this struggle to the finish line. Get the ball rolling by saying, 'I think you are feeling hurt and rejected by me since I have begun to refuse many of your sexual requests.
'Ask him if that sums up his feeling. If he agrees, then move to the next step. Ask him if he has any idea why you have turned off. He will probably say he has no idea. Then you might say, 'Would you be interested to know why I have turned off?'He might say yes. Then you could say, 'I know how much you want to be a good lover to me (padding his fragile ego). Because each woman is built differently, no matter how a great a lover a man is, he still needs feedback from his partner in order to adapt his skills to her own sensibilities.
When I tried to tell you in the past what works for me, I wounded you terribly. Not being able to tell you what felt right for me, limited my pleasure and made me feel less interested in sex. I would very much like to be able to tell you what turns me on, but I don't want to hurt your feelings in the process.
Can you accept that even the greatest lovers need feedback? If you pad his ego, and help him to see that your suggestions are in no way of reflection on his lack of skill, he should be more willing to take your needs into account. When he does, you will feel more cared for, and you will welcome his advances again, which should make him feel more cared for and wanted. And, you both should live happily ever after.
Please let me know how your talk goes.
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