One Confused Guy

I apologize for this letter being so long, but I didn't think I could have left anything out.

There is a woman I have known since last September (I am 37, she is 33). We got to know each other gradually and from January to mid-March we went out alone about 5-6 times and with mutual friends about 5 times. We hit it off and had a great time whenever we went out. We have had a lot of deep, intense, discussions and both opened up to each other about a broad range of topics.

Early on I told her that I liked her and was willing to invest the time to get to know her better. She told that this freaked her out at first because she never met anyone who was as honest and straightforward as I was. She told me that she was severely hurt in her last relationship which ended almost 2 years ago and that she has a hard time trusting men.

Even after we hung out for several months, I never even tried to kiss her on the lips even though I often wanted to. I think I should have tried but I might have erred on the side of caution (we did hug and she would kiss me on the cheek but I'm wasn't sure how to take this).

I know for at least a short time, she started to think of me more than as a friend based some of the discussions we had. But then, soon after, I felt like she was giving me the brush off (i. e. we'd make tentative plans and then she was too busy).

I got the message and basically stopped calling her for a while. I think she felt we were seeing too much of each other and there was a lot going on in her life. May be she saw me as desperate or needy, but this isn't the case since I do not enter into relationships lightly (I have been in love before and I don't date someone just for the sake of dating).

I think she felt that I thought we were a couple and I think she felt like she was being pushed into it without having any say in the matter. This is the one thing I did not want to happen. I do understand why she felt this way as I definitely called her often and wanted to hang out a lot, but even though I did like her, as I said, my intention was not to push her into anything.

I think she misunderstood my intentions. A lot of that had to do with the fact that she was the first person I met in years that I could really talk to, and I really enjoyed her company and she enjoyed mine. I even once asked her to tell me if she ever felt that we were spending too much time together and another time I even addressed it more directly, but I took it for granted that she would feel comfortable enough to tell me. Me bringing this up might have freaked her out even more.

I got the feeling she wasn't used to someone being this open and honest. For whatever the reason, she didn't tell me she was feeling crowded. Since she didn't tell me, I made the wrong assumption about how much time she wanted to spend with me. I should have been more sensitive to her feelings but hindsight, etc, etc.

Since mid-March, we saw each other once for about 1/2 hour. Then about 3 weeks after, we saw each other when we had lunch with mutual friends and when we hugged goodbye, she grabbed my arm and said she was sorry we weren't able to really talk (I definitely felt like she missed me. Maybe this was because I decided not to bug her for a while).

I waited a couple of weeks, called her, and about two weeks ago, we had dinner. Once again we had a great time. We just talked and laughed for hours and it was comfortable and natural.

Once again, I was even more conscious of just acting like her friend. A couple of days later, I found out that she has been dating someone she seems to really like for the last month or so (she didn't tell me this and she doesn't know that I know).

I am incredibly confused about how she thinks of me, as a friend or as possibly more than that. She basically knows I'm interested in her and after this cooling off period, it seems like she might want to start hanging out again, but I'm not sure yet.

I can't stand being this confused and I have no idea what I should do. We never spoke about what happened and I want to know if I should trust my instincts and address it with her openly and honestly to see how she feels and apologize for being insensitive and inadvertently putting too much pressure on her or should I just take it slow and try to occasionally get together and see what develops?

Am I too late because I might have acted too much like a friend? I have never had to deal with anything like this. As I said I am totally confused. I really feel that this is a women I could have a long term relationship with and I want to and I am willing to work at it. Once again, I apologize for the length of the letter. I look forward to your guidance! One Confused Guy

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